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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

65 replies

Isitover12 · 06/05/2019 15:03

So first time poster, dp has been doing things that annoy me even after I ask him not to and then says sorry when he has pushed it too far.

For instance he knows my shoulders have been sore since having DD so the other day he came up behind me while I was on the floor with DD and tried sitting on my shoulder to get his dck near my head. Reminded him not to do it as I also had a headache, so not ten minutes later was pulling at my neck for a kiss.. and I said look I’ve told you so he starts sulking! Or he’ll tell DD to shut up, or try and teach her the word bumbaclt, even after I’ve said it isn’t funny don’t do it.

We have had our fair share of problems, he has hardly been helpful since having DD, or even before but has improved very slightly still a lazy sod though and want do anything proactively. Stuff like changing DD nappy or giving her a bit of water I have to remind him to do.

Anyway my question is why does he do all of this?

OP posts:
Gersin · 08/05/2019 06:32

I’d pack a suit case and walk, have you got any friends or relatives that would let you stay (sensible ones that wouldn’t talk you into going back to him)?

Leaving now would be easy compared to a few years down the line when your self confidence is completely shot and you have x2 DC rather than 1.

Good luck op.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2019 06:35

Leave. Like yesterday.

How the fuck did you end up with such a twat ? You need to put that right ASAP

PositiveVibez · 08/05/2019 06:38

What a vile, grim cunt of a 'man'

Please fuck him off. If your DD thinks this is a normal relationship, she will end up with someone like that twat of a father.

Would you be happy if he ended up with someone like him?

If you answer no (which I hope in God you do), why the hell would you put up with it for yourself!!

PositiveVibez · 08/05/2019 06:38

*she

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 15:46

So I need to get out soon.

You do indeed. Often on threads like this people advise organising things on the quiet before you leave. Doing it in a structured way.

But when a man "jokes" about slapping a 7 month old baby it's life and death urgent - real fire alarm stuff.

He could kill her with a single slap. I'd be out of there. You say it left a sick feeling in my stomach. Mine too. Sad

AnneTwackie · 08/05/2019 15:55

If someone told my 7 month old to shut up or ‘joked’ about slapping them they’d be out. Get your ducks in a row.

TeaForTheWin · 08/05/2019 16:04

He has serious issues. I mean it's easy enough to dismiss it as immaturity and jealousy but to me those sorts of things in an adult man point more towards a cluster b personality disorder - whereby they have never really developed any emotional maturity and everything is about them. Although he might be at the lesser end of the scale, his arrogance and lack of empathy is still obvious and these sorts never change.

PlinkPlink · 08/05/2019 16:06

What an utter twat.

He has absolutely no respect for you. He has no idea how to behave responsibly as a parent.

You've given him opportunities to change. He hasn't taken them.

The ultimate worry is that DD would grow up with him as a role model. Ask yourself if you want that? If the answer is no, you know what to do.

I would suggest getting documents all copied, get all important things together and then move to family and friends, if that is the step you take.

MsDogLady · 08/05/2019 19:16

OP, have you left yet? This man is truly a danger to DD.

+Emotional abuse by trying to frighten and annoy her and by teaching her bad words
+Physical abuse by dumping water over her
+Verbal abuse by telling her to shut up and threatening to slap her.

He is a sadist who enjoys abusing and upsetting his own baby. It took 2 hours to calm her after the bathtub torment.

I have been worrying for DD and hoping that you are now rid of this monster.

Original poster
Isitover12 · 08/05/2019 19:46

@MsDogLady, we are now rid, left while he was at work and staying with my mum until we can find our own little place to call home! No doubt this will be an uphill battle but has to be better than staying in the situation we were in.

Thank you all for your advice and helping me see the light.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 19:56

So glad to read your update, Isitover12. I was feeling anxious about you and your baby and pleased to know you're safe.

WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 20:09

That is such a positive update.

Well done OP.

We are here if you need to offload about anything or ask advice.

PlinkPlink · 08/05/2019 20:10

Glad to read your update!

Stay safe OP xx

Twingirlsrock · 08/05/2019 20:27

Thinking of you OP.

I felt sick reading your messages - I'm so glad you got away from him for yourself and for DD. He sounded really terrible bad news.

Wishing you lots of luck and happiness x

justthecat · 09/05/2019 07:50

Well done for leaving. Onwards and upwards 💐

StarLine · 09/05/2019 11:22

Well done!! You've made the right choice to protect your daughter and yourself from his behaviour.

Weenurse · 09/05/2019 11:31

Good luck 💐

Original poster
Isitover12 · 09/05/2019 12:30

Having such Mum guilt today, I know I’ve done the right thing just this feeling that I’ve let DD. All I could ever hope or wish for is to give her a great life, a happy one.. I know I still can just not the way I had hoped! Better this than her thinking a man telling her they’d slap her and DD thinking it’s normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitover12 · 09/05/2019 12:31

Also thank you all for the positivity and well wishes, need some of that!

OP posts:
justthecat · 09/05/2019 12:48

If there’s anybody who should be feeling guilt it’s him and the fact he probably doesn’t is why you’ve left. Keep strong

Cocobean30 · 09/05/2019 13:20

She will be happier without him and better to leave while she’s still tiny and won’t miss him, well done OP

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/05/2019 13:27

Feeling upset and conflicted is normal at the stage you're in. Give it a little time and it'll be very clear to you that his behaviour was inexcusable under any circumstances.

You are doing entirely the right thing by your DD in ending this abusive relationship. You are protecting her, as we all want to do for our DC. The harm done to people who have spent their childhood witnessing DV is often immense.

Myoldtable · 09/05/2019 13:34

You have absolutely done the right thing by leaving him. He is dangerous. Stay strong.

Macandcheese05 · 09/05/2019 15:04

the other day he came up behind me while I was on the floor with DD and tried sitting on my shoulder to get his dck near my head. Reminded him not to do it as I also had a headache*

i dont think "because i have a headache" is why he shouldnt do it. BECAUSE ITS FUCKING WEIRD is why he shouldnt do it. Plus youre playing with DD and he gets his dick out to try to put it near your head? Hmm

AsleepAllDay · 09/05/2019 15:12

Whatever happens, at least you won't be letting him subject her full time to his 'pranks' and threats and so on. She's only 7 months and like you said he's trying to suppress her from doing normal baby things

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