so sad, so awful

[candygs]

I have 3 sons and 3 DIL's we all get on well, I feel so lucky to have such a warm and loving relationship with them all.
7 weeks ago my 34 year old DIL was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, my poor son sobbed down the 'phone to me, I was horrified and terrified. She was seen by an oncologist who gave them hope, telling them that aggressive cancer responds well to chemo, however the tumour perforated her bowel, she had urgent and life saving surgery and initially did well, but she went down hill and 14 days following surgery she has died. I went up to where they live (I live 300 miles away) last week and 6 days after I got home my son 'phoned and said "we have come to the end Mum" 24 hours later she died, she was 34, 34!! I don't know where to turn, I am so all over the place, so angry, so railing against the injustice of it, they have a 3 year old who won't even remember his mum. My son is clinging to his in-laws who must be broken.

I don't know what I want from this thread, how can I help my son, my grandson, how do people go on ……...

Oh I’m so so sorry I can’t even begin to imagine how you are all feeling. Look after yourself and your family xx

That is so incredibly sad. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your poor DS and grandchild . Look after yourselves and each other .

Im so sorry for your loss

Can you go back up there ? The in laws sound great but there's nothing lkke your mum being there plus it will give his in laws a break to have you there helping practically with your grandchild

My best friend lost his wife (to cancer) 2 years ago at the age of 34. She left 2 boys. I live about the same distance away from them as you do and felt completely useless as couldn't be there to do anything practical.

I told him my phone would be next to my bed at night & he was to call me anytime he needed to talk. I messaged him often & never asked how he was. I asked after the children.

To be honest all you can do is take it 1 day at a time & be there for him. for you & your family

Oh my God, I’m so, so sorry

No advice, there’s absolutely nothing I can say other than you and your beautiful family are in my thoughts xx

A very sad situation for all.

You sound like a strong and caring person who can give support to your son and your grandchildren.

Take care.

I'm so, so sorry for your family's loss

thank you so much to those who have responded, I am grateful, it is only 2 days since our darling girl died, she was so sweet, so loving, she made my son so happy, honestly I can't remember her saying anything unkind or critical of anyone. They were married for 4 and a half years, together for 12, I am 70 years old and this is the worst news I have ever had. My poor, poor son will he ever recover, he has a 3 year old, I am so afraid for him, for my grandson, for my DIL's parents who are truly lovely and loving, life is so cruel at times …….

Oh op I have no words.
Take it one day at a time.
Can you go and stay with your son for a little while?

Be kind to yourself and take it a day at a time. Support each other as a family.

I would suggest you talk to CRUSE when you are ready to do so. They are very good at talking to people about bereavement and will give you support (I have found them very helpful). Also post on the Bereavement forum on MN too; you will get further support and advice there.

I would give your son the details of both CRUSE and Winston's Wish for their child www.winstonswish.org/

So sorry op you all sound like such a close and loving family.
Be there for each other. X

I am sorry for your loss. I HATE that C word I hope one day there will be cure for it.

I work in hospital think your son needs your support now more than ever. The pain will not go overnight he takes months but I am sure you'll be riding the waves with him. Go spend a few days with him and help out with the little one.

I am so very, very sorry for the terrible loss you are all suffering, especially your poor son and their children.

You sound like a strong loving family, who will give each other the love, comfort and support you need to endure this terrible time, and to survive through it.

It's terrible that you are having to do so.

I am so sorry to hear of your dil death. I am sure that your son would love to have you there at the moment for support.

My son is currently being treated for kidney cancer and I know how much it hurts parents when they would much rather be the person with the illness than their ds or dil.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your anger and your sadness come streaming through your post. You sound like a wonderful strong woman, and your son and grandson will be glad of your support.

So sorry for your loss . I have just lost my MIL and it was all so fast , its the shock and grief that hits you . Then all the organisation and paperwork on top of everything . All you can do is be there as much as you can for them , help with everything you can . And speak to professionals if you need to . I am finding it all so surreal as life goes on and you feel like you are in a bubble .

So sorry about your DIL.
The whole family sounds lovely. You will help each other through this.

That is terrible. I am so sorry.

I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful mother who is going to be invaluable to her son xxx

I’m really so sorry, OP. Wishing you all strength.

I’m so sorry.

Gosh, that’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for you all.

You sound like a wonderful mother MIL and grandmother who is going to be invaluable to your whole family. How caring and warm you are. Those are the strengths that will certainly see you and your son through this time. One day at a time for now. Plod on through the days and eventually you'll all start to live a little easier adjusting as you go on. Just continue to be a close family alongside your daughter in laws parents to be a fantastic support network for your son and grandchild. My thoughts are with you all

I’m so sorry for your loss. My DH died a year and a half ago, of pancreatic cancer. We have two boys who were 6 and 4 at the time. What helped me most, especially in those early days of complete fog and numbness, was knowing my mum was there. That, in facing the fact that I would be solely responsible for two grief-stricken, uncomprehending children, I could occasionally revert to being a child myself for a minute and let my mum take care of me a little bit.

Flood them all with love, be a constant in their lives as much as you can, talk to them about their DW/DM and let your DS talk to you. People go on. We’re ok now, the three of us, happy even, though we’ll never be the same. You’ll be a great source of comfort to your DS and DGS. Again, I’m so very sorry.