How do I communicate to dp that it's not the drama I have a problem with but the way he deals with it?

[DramaInTheLlama]

I have a long history of very easy going relationships, no drama. I am in my late 40s, divorced.

I have been seeing dp around 6 months. He's v loving, we have huge spark between us. But he has a vast amount of drama in his life. There's always someone being rushed to hospital, a friend or family member urgently needing him etc. At first I didn't believe him, but over time I'm beginning to realise these events do happen but it's the way he deals with them.

I don't know whether he is just not that into me or whether he 'needs' this drama. But when these 'dramas' happen, he totally withdraws, cancels any dates we have, pulls away and takes some time to come back to me. They maybe happen once a month so not all the time but enough that it's frustrating. And sometimes he's pulling out of stuff that's really important to me.

I need to talk to him about this but when I've tried before, he shuts down. I've told him I can't do unreliability but I'm now at the point where if we don't address this, I will need to break up with him even though when we are together it's really fantastic.

Personally, this would drive me up the wall. I like flexibility and stability. Not drama and histrionics.
I can't imagine what sort of dramas they are to be happening monthly, it must be very irritating and you must feel 'what now...?'

I think you need to say to him that as much as it's nice that he supports friends and family, he should also be thinking of you and not letting you down at the last minute.

Omg....you could be writing about my brother. There is always a drama. Always one of his 'really close friends' or 'best friends' who I've never heard of. He always has to get involved. Although as my OH says he doesn't have enough going on in his own life that he has to fill it with drama. When there is no drama he will create drama..... I would say run a mile from him. It will never stop. Nothing will ever be straightforward. Just my opinion as someone who likes a quiet life with no drama.

So you may have discovered why he was single when you met? Assuming this isn't new behaviour but just his personality he isn't going to change. All you can really do is explain how it makes you feel and maybe discuss some hypotheticals. Could you make a joke out of it? If you book theatre tickets can you talk about what level of emergency would trump going? I mean this in a very light-hearted way, tell him anything less than a compound fracture in a close relative is not a valid reason not to go?

Whatever happens he's going to need a lot of prompting to behave differently and you will have to be very vocal which might grate because you're sort of basically saying he should care about other people less (in his mind). Is he worth the effort?

He sounds like a bloody man-child. These type of people never mature mentally past their teens.
Bin him off.

I like stability too roussette and I must admit, I've never experienced this before. It's a new one on me!

user yes I wonder whether this is just what his life is like! And I must admit, I do wonder how much he really needs to be involved in all of these. Obviously where it's family I understand but I am starting to wonder whether he's just not into me and using some of the 'drama' as an excuse!

As often read on here.... "When someone shows you who they are, beieve them...."

Personally, I don't/wouldn't expect people to change such an obvious, long standing trait of their personality to fit with what I deem more acceptable...

canny he's had 2 long relationships - it didn't sound like either ended well so I don't think this is new behaviour but I just don't know!

At only 6 months in I’m afraid I think it’s worth considering cutting your losses. It should be fun and easy at this stage. Not full of angst with you wondering when he’s next going to flake on you.

In my brother's case it would be absolutely no reflection on how into you he was. He just has to get involved in drama. You could be the love of his life.....but when the next door neighbour of his dog walker is diagnosed with a life limiting condition he has to be there to talk to the mother because she's really struggling to deal with it....blah blah blah.....

puffkin yes it does feel a bit childish

takeanotherchillpill I know what you mean and I've never gone out with someone to change them but e.g he cancelled our Easter plans as one of his dc was hospitalised. Now that seemed like a valid reason to me (if it was indeed true). So there are ones like this that ring true - then there are others (like cancelling a date v last minute because he's suddenly discovered he has a late, important meeting) that I'm just not sure about. Just don't know whether to push - get the feeling he isn't being 100% honest.

user that's exactly what it seems like!

The way you write it, it actually sounds even more childish than the way it looks to me

I think you're all right and if it's like this after 6 months, what hope do I have!

There is nothing like being kind and helping people but not when it's to the detriment of those that should matter to you, i.e. your partner, children etc.

He is neglecting you. A big conversation needed I think...

Of course if one of his DC was hospitalised, that's fair enough. But helping out random people when there's really no need is a bit much.

Perhaps he doing it all for show. So people think he’s kind and caring but in reality he just likes the drama.
I used to work with someone like this, it was daily always something.
Worst part was when something did happen that was important and needed her to be there none of us believed it.
Not worth the hassle I would say.

Agree. Some people feed off of others misfortune. I knew someone like this too.

If you dump him he'll get the chance to be the centre of his own drama for a while. I suspect hell enjoy that!

Thanks all. I think you've all hit the nail on the head! I was meant to see him today but lo and behold there's a drama (!) so goodness knows when I will see him next but I will address it with him then. I think as much as I like him, this is a recipe for disappointment when he pulls out of yet another planned date.

I cannot understand why it is so hard to find 'normal' men in this age group!

Does he sound contrite or feel awkward do you think.. when he pulls out of yet another date?

Move on or get used to it. It shows that you'll always play second fiddle to the grand theatre in his head. And create a dreadful public drama if you ever have issues in your own lives. It'll be "all about him" too.

Withdrawing for several days at the time every time a friend has a problem is way over the top unless it really is the case that every single time the friend has a really major problem and absolutely no-one else to support them - which is hardly likely.

Or next time you plan to meet up text him the day before to say you can't make it as your friends dog has fleas

I couldn’t deal with this. It’s unpredictable and unreliable. He’s not a good or safe bet. Best to cut your losses and find someone who you can trust. My friend is like this. Was. We all distanced from her because you could never trust she’d turn up to events. There was always a last minute drama cancellation. We got to thinking that most were made up and she actually just couldn’t be bothered. It’s just not a great recipe for a relationship to be honest

My friend's sister thrives on drama and dragging everyone else into it and behaving in all sorts of rude and ignorant ways because of her "stress".

Absolutely exhausting. I am too old and too bloody tired to have to spoon feed how to adult to other adults.

You are not his priory.

He is his priority.

Sounds like he has to be there for the flashbulb moment or ambulance chasing to fulfil his own ego.

Poor boundaries - do these people even want or need to absorb is co-dependent reactions?

A lot of drama centres around people who are actually very selfish but like to think of themselves as invaluable to others in their life. My MIL doesn't actually care for her ageing mother, slags off her neighbours and family, and has an enviable standard of living with several foreign holidays, savings, mortgage paid etc. However, there is always some sort of drama where she likes to cry and say she hasn't slept and attract attention to make herself central to it all when actually she just uses it as gossip and to attract sympathy, never once doing anything to actually help that person. She considers herself a martyr but is actually incredibly selfish with no emotional intelligence or boundaries. I would see this as a red flag given you've only been together for 6 months.