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Original poster

Wonderful guy, but we're not achieving, ahem, *lift off*. What to do?

40 replies

KatDubs261 · 05/05/2019 19:59

Before I met my current guy he was a virgin (a mixture of being very shy and having aspergers I think). Anyway, as noted by him we have 'great chemistry' and we are ALL over each other/can't keep our hands off each other.

But in bed things aren't quite happening. He'll often get hard then when the condom goes on, his dick wilts immediately. This has happened three times and last time he told me 'please don't think it's you' and said he is on anti-depressants/that he has recently reduced to a lower level but it may still have an effect.

Don't get me wrong, he can bring me to orgasm easily with his fingers and his tongue. He worships me in bed and kisses me everywhere, but so far he isn't orgasming. I'm really worried that it's just not going to happen for us and that an otherwise wonderful relationship will be ruined. I think it's a vicious cycle too, I reckon every time we are in bed together now he worries it will happen again. Any advice?

OP posts:
SRK16 · 05/05/2019 20:20

I think reassuring him that it’s ok, there’s no time pressure etc. Maybe trying to see what happens if you don’t move on to penetration and just try oral with him? Endless patience and kindness.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 05/05/2019 20:32

Thanks SRK16. He asked me how I was feeling after he lost his erection (right when he was reassuring me it's not me). I said I was fine, that I knew it wasn't me.

Maybe he's worried I'll leave if he can't get it up asap? I adore him and am willing take our time with as much kindness and patience as it takes. Do you think it would make him feel bad to say perhaps we should take intercourse off the menu for now and enjoy each other in others ways? I don't want to upset him but I don't want him to feel pressured either.

OP posts:
bigchris · 05/05/2019 20:54

Has he considered viagra?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 05/05/2019 21:10

oh god. I think I'd be afraid to suggest it at this point.

He's in his 20s and should be fairly healthy. But obviously he has been taking anti depressants and I can't ask him to just stop taking them...

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/05/2019 21:18

Another one here who was going to suggest Viagra.

toucantoo · 05/05/2019 21:23

What happens when you perform oral?

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 21:27

Oh bless him, it’s nerves, keep taking things nice and slow, maybe use a condom during oral/hand stimulation so he stops associating them with sex.

Theres a lot of pressure to perform well, a bit more so for men, as someone who didn’t have sex until they were a bit older when it does finally happen the pressure is huge.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 05/05/2019 21:29

Do you not think 2 or 3 failed attempts is too soon to bring up Viagra though?

Obviously if this runs on forever then we could have a significant problem. Also, isn't viagra something he would think of himself if he wanted to try it? I feel like suggesting Viagra right now might put too much pressure on things but I'm not sure what to do. I'm crazy about him and don't want to upset him/ruin things.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 05/05/2019 21:30

SimonJT - the thing is, that when he went soft after the condom went on I asked him 'ah, are you a bit nervous?' and he said 'no, I feel relaxed with you' Confused ?

OP posts:
SRK16 · 05/05/2019 21:50

I honestly think just give it time (speaking from experience). 2 or 3 times is not many in the scheme of things and with his limited experience. Viagra could be helpful but I wouldn’t suggest it yet as this will feed into performance anxiety- if it turns into a longer term issue then maybe.
Take intercourse off the menu for a bit and focus on other stuff.

ahtellthee · 05/05/2019 21:54

I had a relationship like this, he just really really hated condoms and was very shy. We were early twenties, and hadn't had tons of experience.

We worked around it by being tested for STD's, and then I took over birth control. This did solve the issue.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/05/2019 21:55

Is he a porn user?

IdblowJonSnow · 05/05/2019 21:58

Sounds like it's the condoms? Could you get tested and then look at other forms of contraception?

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 22:52

@KatDubs261

There’s a huge difference between being relaxed with someone and being nervous, you can definitely feeling both at the same time as well. Being honest during a fairly embarrassing moment can also be quite difficult. The amount of times I said “no I’m fine I really want to” and then internally freaking out at the same time, as I did really really want to, but I was also nervous/scared. You also have natural question running through your head like “will I be crap”, “will it hurt”, “will they ever want to have sex with me again”.

I’m afraid it may just be a waiting game, if he’s anything like me you’ll hit double figures before you’re successful.

Divebar · 05/05/2019 22:57

Well can you make him orgasm by another method without making any attempt at penetration.? Once he’s had an orgasm with you he might feel a bit more comfortable.

RiversDisguise · 05/05/2019 23:53

Gay? Porn addict?

MrsTeaspoon · 06/05/2019 00:47

Look up phimosis, it’s very common and he may suffer from it and not realise. Speaking from my experience of this it was very definitely a confidence thing coupled with phimosis, not an issue with porn or not fancying me. He was a virgin until late twenties and some women he’d dated has been cruel. We worked it out...so much so I married him and we have children and it is never an issue anymore. When it does very occasionally still happen (maybe five percent of time) he knows I understand and I know not to be insecure. Give it time and enjoy each other.

Scott72 · 06/05/2019 00:48

"Gay? Porn addict?"

Charming. Gay? Almost certainly not. Porn addict? He's probably looked at porn, but this probably isn't the problem here. Probably is simply nerves and inexperience. Men aren't just walking erections. It can be finicky getting one. You're under no obligation to stick by him if he can't resolve this though OP.

namechange5575 · 06/05/2019 02:25

It sounds like he's not being honest with you, and that is a problem in itself. He knows that not being able to achieve an orgasm 3 out of 3 times is a bit unusual, and so do you - but he's asking you to pretend otherwise. Presumably he's worried you'll be put off, but you joining him in the denial is going to make both of you tense. I'd try being tactful but direct. If he can't address it with you I'd have doubts about going ahead with the relationship.

Guavaf1sh · 06/05/2019 09:57

I agree with a previous poster that the condom itself may be the issue. Some men wilt as soon as it goes on and the answer may be an alternative form of contraception

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 06/05/2019 10:28

It's typical that I meet someone I'm crazy about, that ticks the boxes in all the ways most people don't, but then this key and important part isn't working :(

^ that said, the man above says it took him double figures before he got into the groove. I know 3 times IS unusual, but I'm willing to give it time and explore enjoying each other in different ways for a while. If the issue persists, I hope he will be willing to work together resolve it. I know it must be difficult for him.

I am already on a birth control pill which is 99% effective for skin reasons. I would be happy to try just using that method, but I know some men get really worried about pregnancy regardless.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/05/2019 10:34

Anti-depressants are well known for stopping orgasm. Very likely he's absolutely right, and you don't need to look any further. And you are also right that you can't suggest he stop taking them. Tell him to go to the doctor and see if there's a different type he could try, e.g. buproprion. It will take a while to work out, though.

PinkDaffodil2 · 06/05/2019 10:34

If you both get an STI screen (some infections can be asymptomstic for men and women, there might be free postal kits available in your area) then switching to just hormonal contraception might be an option if you’re both comfortable.
Also viagra doesn’t have to be a long term solution, but might help in the short term - it’s likely that this is partly psychological but the antidepressants may be contributing. GP will be happy to prescribe for him to try, some men find that just having them to hand is reassuring enough to make a difference even if they don’t actually take them.

something2say · 06/05/2019 10:38

Aw such a bummer!!

I think the suggestions have been good - try no condom, give time etc.

The only thing I'll add is - and I am sad to say it - watch how far you fall in love as this MAY be a genuine ongoing problem. Just because he's young doesn't mean it isn't going to persist. That would end up being a problem for me.

That said, try try try and see what happens, as you clearly like him. Maybe NO penetrative sex for a while and really get into a groove of oral sex and manual. See how that goes, also he can masturbate himself with you there, see how he does it and take it from there. All good fun stuff to start with.

The best of luck xx

ravenmum · 06/05/2019 10:43

If you make it clear that you agree it's the ADs, then I don't think it would be too much to bring up Viagra, btw - as a way to combat the effects of the ADs. "I feel bad that we can't both enjoy this equally - have you thought about Viagra as long as you're on the ADs? I'd really like you to enjoy yourself and don't want you to be worried about performing. Or are you happy without?"

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