Wonderful guy, but we're not achieving, ahem, *lift off*. What to do?

[KatDubs261]

Before I met my current guy he was a virgin (a mixture of being very shy and having aspergers I think). Anyway, as noted by him we have 'great chemistry' and we are ALL over each other/can't keep our hands off each other.

But in bed things aren't quite happening. He'll often get hard then when the condom goes on, his dick wilts immediately. This has happened three times and last time he told me 'please don't think it's you' and said he is on anti-depressants/that he has recently reduced to a lower level but it may still have an effect.

Don't get me wrong, he can bring me to orgasm easily with his fingers and his tongue. He worships me in bed and kisses me everywhere, but so far he isn't orgasming. I'm really worried that it's just not going to happen for us and that an otherwise wonderful relationship will be ruined. I think it's a vicious cycle too, I reckon every time we are in bed together now he worries it will happen again. Any advice?

Thanks ravenmum. I suppose Viagra is often a pill that is associated with older men (at least for a woman in my 20s I'd never heard of younger men using it before) and I don't want to hurt him - but this is clearly an important issue and he will know that.

Also - it's too late! I'm already in love and I agree that clouds your vision/could make me stick it out longer than I perhaps should. The thing is I feel he loves me deeply too, so I would hope that he'd want to resolve it as uncomfortable/difficult as it is...

@KatDubs261 I was on ADs, changed to a different one and it wasn’t as much of a problem.

Perhaps I should ask if he is able to orgasm by himself (while on the ADs)? Because if he can, then surely the problem is psychological and not the ADs.

Because if he can, then surely the problem is psychological and not the ADs.
It doesn't have to be one or the other - when I was on ADs I also found it difficult to orgasm through masturbation, but when you're masturbating you can just keep - on - at - it until you finally get there. A partner being there might just be that extra little bit of added worry, or pressure to get on with it, that tips the balance.

What about if he practised putting condoms on when he was by himself? Could that help?

ok ravenmum, I understand. It's good to get an insight from someone who has been there!

Also it has happened to me. When I was depressed I actually stopped being able to get physically turned on - there was just...nothing. And sometimes if I'm stressed out I can't get there anyway.

It's new for me because in ten years for dating I've never had this problem with a man but I want to be patient and try.

I have to say that depression did not have that effect on me - just the antidepressants. I was classed as "moderately" depressed, i.e. somewhere between mild and severe depression, and could orgasm as easily as usual with a bit of friction. On ADs I felt absolutely fine - a lot more confident than usual in fact - but at the point where the orgasm would usually be, it would be like someone let the air out of the balloon - all the energy just fizzled out. Very disappointing!

You think he's got ASD? You should be cautious before diagnosing him. Asperger's often brings all sorts in long term relationships, as the long running thread on this forum shows. If he uncomfortable with looking you in the eyes? Does he tend to seem very absent minded? Lose himself in idiosyncratic solo interests?

"ADs" = antidepressants.

Without asking too much. Could he be worried about actually doing it for the first time ? Could you be the one who does the deed as such ?

What's he like if you give him oral?

"ADs" = antidepressants.

OP wrote "Before I met my current guy he was a virgin (a mixture of being very shy and having aspergers I think)."

Could he be worried about actually doing it for the first time?

This would be it. It is a common issue. Lower libido wouldn't help.

Oh, I missed that, thanks Scott72.

Lack of erection with ADs is also a very common issue. The combination with "first time" is more than unfortunate for the poor bloke!

Take PIV off the table.

Can he blow his beans through blow and hand jobs?

Condoms do make things really difficult for some guys. Which is a nightmare in new relationships, for obvious reasons.
I knew a guy who had the same issue, no problems at all getting aroused, great at pleasing me in other ways but just couldn't perform with a condom on. It didn't go any further than a few dates but if it had I probably would have suggested getting tested then going without condoms. I'm always on the pill anyway for PCOS symptom control.