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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Partner's Double Life

36 replies

Leemay32 · 05/05/2019 15:29

am in total shambles right now, I should be out enjoying my birthday today but I am at home feeling depressed, stressed and crying. I have uncovered that my partner of 12 years has been having an affair for 6 years the woman lives in his home country (he travels there once or twice a year) we have been on and on because I feel as if doesnt listen and he is in debt and ruined my credit. He recently came back from his 4 weeks holiday and after doing a bit of digging on facebook I discovered photos of him and a woman smiling and looking all happy and cosy. He some how managed to convinced me she was just a friend. I still had a bit of doubt there is more, 4 days ago he fell alseep on the sofa and I slipped it out of his hands and started reading his mesaages and going . He professed to this woman how much he loves her and want to spend the rest if his life with her. I woke him up and told him to get the f*out.. I didnt wanted to cause a scene as my daughter was in the bedroom. I contacted the woman and she told me that she knew about me when they started out but after a year or two he told her I was crazy, I was stalking him and left me. He revealed alot of personal information about me to her even about my job. She told me she is in love with him and that she felt betrayed by his deception. She said he messaged he and told her I had him arrested the evening when I asked him to leave(Big Lie). She told him it was over and he's doing everything to get her back posted photos of them together on his whatsapp messaged me to tell me he loves her and not me and that i should get on with my life and he no longer wants me. A week ago he suggested that we have another child and find a bigger place. He's cheated before and i fogave him. I have been crying secretly for days as I dont want my 7yo to see me. I can understand how it went from planning to have another child last week to hating me and spreading lies aboutme.Hehas hurt be deeply. Im in my early 30s and he's 20 years older. I am really heartbroken writing with tears streaming down my face. Apologies for any typos I don't have the energy to go over what I wrote. Im still in a state of shock.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 05/05/2019 15:39

Im sorry your birthday has turned out poorly this year. I would kick this pitiful waste of space out on his ear (or leave, if you have no claim on the house). Be very glad you didnt get pregnant again.

onestepahead · 05/05/2019 15:44

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this OP. What a spineless prat (him not you).

It may not feel like it now but in time you can turn this around to your advantage. He has demonstrated that he is not deserving of your love, or tears. You deserve so much more.

Are you able to try to focus on the practicalities? Do you own your current home, or have a joint tenancy? Is he your daughters father?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/05/2019 15:45

What a dirtbag! Whats your housing situation? Can you kick him out?

Figure8 · 05/05/2019 15:51

He's 50 and still a lying toad- it won't change.

What he's doing is hideous - well done for contacting the OW.

Original poster
Leemay32 · 05/05/2019 16:11

The property is rented and yes he is my daughter's dad.

He's a spineless beast yesterday he unblocked me on whatsapp and sent me some nasty messages. He told me he was no longer in love with me and i should move on with my sad pathetic life. He went on to say when he needs to see our daughter I should drop her off at his sister (she live 45 minutes away) and he will go pick her up.

I am not sure if I am angry because I should have walked away years ago when he first cheated or If i am shocked because of the level of disrespect and hate towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leemay32 · 05/05/2019 16:20

I have applied for Child Maintainance he should be getting the letter soon. He owes me £1500 I am considering small claims court.

OP posts:
Figure8 · 05/05/2019 16:22

It's nothing to do with you- you don't ( not even a little) deserve this.

He's weighed up the situation, decided the other woman will probably swallow his bullshit, so he's doing what he thinks he needs to do to get her on side.

It's nothing to do with you- he's a manipulative, soulless, shell.
I bet many of his relationships ended in shady circumstances?

Never mind about the past, and how much crap he's hurled at you- you're free of him NOW.

Just start with the practicalities - one tiny step at a time.

Good luck!

Original poster
Leemay32 · 05/05/2019 16:25

*Child Maintenance

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 17:10

He's a serial cheat. Block him yourself and make plans to move on. He's 20 years older than you and you're in your 30s...he's a bit old to be a dad again IMO...but that's the least of your problems.

You're young enough to start over. What a gutless fool he is.

DressyMcDressFace · 05/05/2019 17:14

Next year, on your birthday you’ll be able to see how far you’ve come and it might just be the best thing ever. Good luck OP.

AdaColeman · 05/05/2019 17:21

Also, he is wrong about you doing the drop offs when he wants to see his daughter, your days of running here and there to obey him are over. You should aim to plan a system that suits both of you, not only him!

Use this time to gather as much financial/pension/investment information about him as you can, and start keeping a detailed log of all your interactions with him, especially any threats or intimidation he makes.

applesarerroundandshiny · 05/05/2019 17:48

What is his relationship like with your DD? Is he a hands on father and do they get on well together?

Does he always travel to his home country alone or has he ever taken you or your DD?

I may be over reacting here but I always worry where relationships end badly and the 'ex' is if a different nationality. Make sure you keep your DD's passport safe if he is having unsupervised contact.

JQBased · 05/05/2019 17:52

the woman lives in his home country (he travels there once or twice a year)

This is the third story of these circumstances I've heard in the last month. It seems having spoken to many people that if a partner travels back and forward to their home country even just a few times a year there is a huge chance they have a woman or even a family back there. So sorry this has happened to you.

Middersweekly · 05/05/2019 20:32

He’s been caught out and now he’s turning nasty which is why he’s suddenly ‘not in love with you’ etc etc. Don’t let him waste any more of your life! You’re still young enough to find someone else and someone who will treat you a damned lot better than him. He’s done a number on your self esteem so from here on in focus on yourself and your child. I hope you’ve thrown him out!

MadAboutWands · 05/05/2019 20:39

JQBased that’s a bit of wild assumption.
People don’t automatically cheat or have a second family because they travel back home on a regular basis Hmm

Original poster
Leemay32 · 06/05/2019 00:15

Thanks for the advice guys.

My daughter loves to bits. We've never travelled back home with him before I have always suggested it and would always say "Next Year" or "Why no go Spain or Greece?"

Update
He unblocked me and I sent him copy of the child maintenance letter and him to look out for his copy. I advice him that I will NOT be dropping my daughter at his sister , he can either pick her from school or home. He called about 10 times and Ignored. I later heard a knock at the door my daughter had a looked and opened. He is quite annoyed asking how much i want per month and telling me to cancel the child maintenance. He tried to convince me to allow him to do a standing order i told him no. He looked in the eyes and told me our daughter will be the one suffers as he wil no longer pick her up when i work late and he will convince child maintenance he is in debt and also he will move out the country for good and I will get not a penny.

I feel like I am fighting with the devil. Would I be selfish if I cut all contact with him? I have no energy left to fight with this spineless monster.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 06/05/2019 00:20

I think cutting contact apart from absolutely necessary minimal conversations is exactly the right thing to do.

You are never going to be able to negotiate anything which will please him.

LondonNiki · 06/05/2019 01:24

Shit. He's a bad man. You are absolutely right to cut all contact - please do so to protect yourself.

Get your family and friends around you for support and don't pick up any of his calls.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/05/2019 02:04

He went on to say when he needs to see our daughter I should drop her off at his sister (she live 45 minutes away) and he will go pick her up.

Well done for telling him to get to fuck.
I’d hold the line on this and the rest.

Do not cancel your claim the CSA.
Offer him reasonable contact options but don’t facilitate the travel and make him go to court if he starts dicking you around.
No contact = more cash so he may well change his tune.
Don’t tell him ANY of your business.
Ensure your daughter doesn’t know your business (make sure private phone calls are private - if you need to work certain days or have nice plans on a Saturday that he will be having her etc don’t let her know so she can’t be used as a pawn)

Also don’t shield her completely from his BS. (Age appropriate truths are best - you do your child no favours be religiously telling her how wonderful daddy is when it’s clear he is a total shit. It creates cognitive dissonance and can be really damaging/confusing for children)

ShinyShoe · 06/05/2019 06:18

You do have the energy to fight because you need to stand up to this arsehole for your daughters sake. Is the property in his name or yours? Go see a solicitor. If he does move abroad then at least you don’t have to deal with him. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t engage with him at all. Don’t let him in and don’t answer any messages on whatsapp. Stay firm on the CM claim. Do not give him any more money. I know a bit about this as a friend of mine went through similar with a guy from Jamaica. It was truly awful. He was an utter fraud and liar. Ended up owing her thousands that she never got back but he was dating multiple women and ripping all of them off. People like this never change! Get rid and keep it that way. Have you had any counselling? Have you got a support system?

Aimadre · 06/05/2019 06:28

Good advice above. Hide your daughter’s passport too.

AsleepAllDay · 06/05/2019 06:56

Please call Citizens Advice, please keep your passports and other important documents safe. If you can book 30 minutes with a solicitor, please do

He may try to fight you but you can win. He will threaten all kinds of things about maintenance and visitation but a court will sort that out. You have rights

Itsnotme123 · 06/05/2019 07:18

I’m sure there’s experienced people on here, I don’t know much about this sort of thing but can’t you get a court order on him ?

flumpybear · 06/05/2019 07:33

He's given you the best birthday present ever, releasing you from this scumbag of a man, don't look back just move on with your life

SunshineCake · 06/05/2019 07:49

The wanting another child was because he was trying to make it harder for you to leave. Not because he loves you and your current family Sad.