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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouting - is it normal?

29 replies

Banhaha · 05/05/2019 13:58

My OH shouts at me about once or twice a week). I might be doing something not the way he would do it or I might have asked him to do a chore at an inconvenient time.

I was wondering if it's normal for some people to shout a lot? I've tried asking him to stop but he then shouts about that! It's not very helpful when we try and resolve disagreements. I think he might need to try anger management classes (any ideas how I should approach asking him about this?).

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/05/2019 14:00

Personally I couldn’t be with someone who thought it was acceptable to shout at me

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2019 14:05

Shouting is not normal and not acceptable in my world. My husband and I have never shouted at each other, and my parents never did, either. It's abusive, immature behaviour.

Confusedbeetle · 05/05/2019 14:05

I cant bear being shouted at. If my OH ever raises his voice I pull him up on it. I think I would walk out of the room every time he shouted

tomtom1999xx · 05/05/2019 14:08

No it’s not normal. It’s aggressive.

Original poster
Banhaha · 05/05/2019 14:22

Thank you. My only other experience with a shouter was my ex who was abusive and belittled me all the time so just wanted to try and gauge where "normal" is. It's never name calling and is more "why did you do that" "leave me alone" frustration sort of things. It's still not something I'm happy with so will try to somehow suggest anger management classes.

OP posts:
Goodenough06 · 05/05/2019 14:24

I've been with my husband for 7 years and we've probably had about 4 shouting arguments in that time. (Me as well as him). Occasionally you just can't help it when things get heated, but I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with the frequency of being shouted at as you are. It shouldn't be the first thing you resort to when you are frustrated.

tomtom1999xx · 05/05/2019 14:27

Op, as soon as someone starts shouting at you they’re immediately trying to show you ‘who’s boss’ they want to frighten you a bit. That’s my view of it anyway. It’s very aggressive, as well as being deeply disrespectful.

Original poster
Banhaha · 05/05/2019 14:30

Oh dear. Looks like I might have a problem here then. I was thinking I could tally up the number of times and say if he can show me it's reducing and he's making an effort then we have a chance?

OP posts:
BlokeHereInPeace · 05/05/2019 15:23

Not normal. Horrible. Disrespectful.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2019 15:36

Op, you got out of one abusive relationship and traded it for another. Don't you see that? You need to leave him and break this pattern.

BitOfFun · 05/05/2019 15:39

It's definitely not normal for me.

It sounds like it's distressing you- do you feel safe and respected and cherished in this relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2019 15:47

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

So you've basically gone from one shouty man to yet another one; was this a template learnt from your own childhood too?. Your boundaries, poor as they were at the hands of your ex, have been further lowered by this individual you are currently with. He also needs to become an ex sooner rather than later. There is no good future for you with this man.

He does not need AM classes because he does not have an anger problem in the way you think he does. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviours. He can also likely control himself around others and you're the one he shouts at.

Is this really what you think you deserve?. Like your ex he won't change, all you can do is change how you react to him and ultimately you need to leave him. Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward as well, you're emotionally vulnerable and more attractive to such types for them to get their claws into.

You have a choice re this man and you do not have to put up with this from any man. Womens Aid are worth talking to and I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme.

Whisky2014 · 05/05/2019 15:48

Not normal

MIA12 · 05/05/2019 15:49

It’s aggressive and abusive. He wouldn’t speak to his boss like it, which just proves he can control it when it suits him.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 05/05/2019 16:08

Not normal, no. My parents would occasionally shout at each other, eg if an argument got out of hand, but it was a joint thing and genuinely occasional.

If one person's shouting frequently and at the merest provocation, that's not good. He wants to intimidate you. I doubt he has any interest in changing (although hell tell you he has...).

Shoxfordian · 05/05/2019 16:09

It's nasty
Break up with him and get shouted at zero times a week

TokyoSushi · 05/05/2019 16:16

Nope, DH has literally never shouted at me in 20 years

Original poster
Banhaha · 05/05/2019 16:18

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought. @AttilaTheMeerkat I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've let my previous experiences lower my boundaries.

OP posts:
RedSheep73 · 05/05/2019 16:19

What happens if you say to him, 'I don't like being shouted at like that, please don't'?

Original poster
Banhaha · 05/05/2019 16:20

He doesn't interact with people much in his job, but yes he presumably manages not to shout at everyone else in his life. I deserve to be treated with respect. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Baloonphobia · 05/05/2019 16:25

It's not normal. I know because I've recently started shouting at my husband. I'm pregnant and am really struggling with my anger. I recognise that it is absolutely not on and I know I'm losing control. I'm getting help for it and I hope it'll subside after the pregnancy. And it happens waay less frequently than every week.

Original poster
Banhaha · 05/05/2019 16:26

@RedSheep73 if I say it while he's shouting he just gets wound up and eventually goes off in a grump. I tried shouting back at him a couple of times to make myself heard but I quickly realised this didn't seem to work.

If I say something when he's cooled down a bit he does say he's sorry and doesn't blame me or say it's my fault so I try to walk away and talk to him later. Or sometimes he'll find me. He never blames me for it and says he just has a lot going on in his head sometimes and it gets too much.

OP posts:
lablewhore · 05/05/2019 16:27

Being shouted at is when someone wants to control you/the situation and feel they have to be assertive to achieve this. I have been with my DH for 20 years, I have shouted at him twice in frustration - he needed telling. He doesn't shout at me or the DC - but I have seen him cross ( raised eyebrow, folded arms type thing) But being shouted at is disrespectful and rather immature. If he wants to say something - surely he would know you would listen to his complaint in a rational way? Is he happy?I am sorry but the shouting is aggressive and controlling, no one deserves to be shouted at. (excluding a shouty barny when you both feel the need!)

Isth · 05/05/2019 16:29

I don’t think it’s normal, no. It’s disrespectful and aggressive imo, and I couldn’t be in a relationship where my supposed life-partner thought it acceptable to treat me that way.
I could count on one hand how many times my fiancé has shouted around me, not even directly at me as such, and he has always immediately apologised.

TougheningUp · 06/05/2019 08:52

It's not normal, and it's not acceptable. And I don't agree that a man who shouts at his partner needs anger management classes: he can manage his anger perfectly well when he's dealing with other people, he just chooses to abuse and frighten his partner. In this situation counselling can often have a detrimental effect as it gives him a vocabulary to use to justify his behaviours. He knows what he's doing, he does it on purpose, and he will not change. Your only options are to endure it, and see yourself become ground down over the months and years, or to leave him as soon as you can and give yourself a chance to recover from his abuse.