Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you split from your partner, did your In-laws help you after the split.

122 replies

florentina1 · 05/05/2019 13:30

Sorry if this is an obscure title but I am all over the place. My son has told me that he and his wife are separating, I love them both so much and I have a good relationship with my DiL There is no-one else involved. I am devastated but I know I have to put that to one side and concentrate on them.

I will phone my DiL in a few days, but any advice from you own experiences will be so helpful.

OP posts:
Dickensnovel · 06/05/2019 14:44

My MIL was a huge help to me. She knew her son had a bad temper, and pushed him to be fair in our settlement, even lending him money until our home could be sold so that i could move on. Then she kept in contact up until her death many years later. She said to me that I was the mother of her two grandsons and was part of her family. End of. I remember her fondly.

youarenotkiddingme · 06/05/2019 16:37

Big she obviously told him at some point. No idea when though! And we were lucky that ds 'just' had bronchitis and had seizured due to temp and projectile vomiting the calpol I'd given him.
I didn't text to tell them he was fine though. I honestly can't remember what happened the following day (or the few after that!) as I was shattered, caring for ds and I think still in shock that house hunting came above his own child.

The shock soon turned to acceptance and he hasn't seen ds since he was 2.5 years old. And none of his family responded to the FB messenger page I'd been keeping them all updated on (news, photos etc) since the day I posted ds had been diagnosed with autism. Just complete radio silence.

He's fab though so their loss Grin

sourdoh · 07/05/2019 00:47

Dropped like a hot potato by all of them. ExDH invited me to his dad's funeral. I went to support our kids, be there for them as ex was utterly distracted. Loads of his family members & friends ignored me, which was fair enough under the circumstances.

My parents maintain some contact with my ex. I found it really upsetting to begin with, as I believed they were undermining my experience of his abusive behaviour. Not for a second was I perfect, but he was and still is a very difficult man.

I understand better now and have found this thread helpful in rationalizing their decisions.

I'm still a bit torn though because I think loyally is with family first, which, ironically, is how his family behaved and it hurt me a lot.

It's great you want to reassure her. Keep the lines of communication open Flowers

hmga90 · 07/05/2019 04:22

I’ve actually experienced it from both sides.

When my brother and SIL broke up, everyone was on my brothers side not realising SIL was in a foreign country with 2 D.C. to look after 5 nights a week (brother has them on weekends). Has caused a lot of friction but I don’t give a fuck because I’m not a arsehole. SIL broke up with him because she realised they weren’t compatible and it wasn’t healthy for her DC. She did the best thing possible in my eyes.

Never been married but me and my first boyfriends mum are close- me and my mum have never had a good relationship and she always recognised that and it was her who reached out to me when we split to say she was still there for me when necessary. We speak every couple of day and will meet up once a month or so for a drink.

RosalitaStoneDesire · 07/05/2019 19:31

It's been two years since I split from my ex H. I haven't heard a thing from his parents. It speaks volumes about how they view me.

SandyY2K · 07/05/2019 19:45

I've not been in this position, but my DB split from his wife. I tried to keep in touch and would continue arranging for meet ups with the DC.

It was hard, because she was a bit distant. My DB instigated the split and she tried to make out she was now on the breadline. Until I said if my DB was not adequately providing for the DC, I would have a word. She quickly backtracked on that.

I would also say that it's an added factor with DC involved. We always offered support...my DM included, but it was obvious she wanted to distance herself from our family.

Its over 10 years and I still text her now and again...but maintaining the same relationship is difficult.

Also consider if your DS would want you being so close to her.

Shitonthebloodything · 07/05/2019 19:49

My ex mil and I always got on great and when we split I really needed her help in talking some sense into him after he went back on financial agreements and left me up shit creek and without a car or ability to work. She refused and a few weeks later encouraged him to see the kids less as "he worked and needed his rest" (he had a desk job!).

It was his choice to leave, he'd cheated, hidden money, led a single life our whole marriage and it was the only thing I'd ever asked of her.
I've never really forgiven her.

PanamaPattie · 07/05/2019 19:59

When my "D"B left my SIL for the OW, my parents disowned him and totally supported SIL and their GC. I consider SIL one of my best friends and years later she is still considered part of the family. My DM remained in contact with her and she was invited to all the family weddings, birthdays etc. My "D"B wasn't invited to anything. My parents couldn't forgive his infidelity and refused to have the OW in their home.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 07/05/2019 20:11

My mum and I get on great with my exSIL, even though she has since remarried. The best example I know is my friend, who has stayed really close to her exMIL and even the extended family like her exH's uncles, aunts and nephews. It is possible!

SandyY2K · 08/05/2019 09:07

@RosalitaStoneDesire

It's been two years since I split from my ex H. I haven't heard a thing from his parents. It speaks volumes about how they view me.

Have your parents contacted him at all?

It seems the expectation is on the husband's parent's in these situations from what I see on MN.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 09:10

I've never been under any illusions that my in laws would remain in touch with me if DH and I split. I am very much someone they think is beneath them in class terms, and I think they would be genuinely relieved not to see me again. Then again, my own parents were very much not there when my relationship with my exP broke up.

ravenmum · 08/05/2019 09:17

My exh's lovely uncle split up with his wife a few years back - she had an affair. Everyone was very supportive but there was no open animosity towards her. Thank goodness, as they got back together again a year later. Still pretty awkward at family get-togethers as it was - trying to make the conversation as warm as it was previously but with images of what she had done in your mind. Would have been much worse if there had been any unfriendliness.

Teaandtoastie · 08/05/2019 09:26

At first they did, after exH had an affair and I threw him out, but once they’d heard his side of the story they quickly took his side. Now we are civil to each other but that’s about it. I was hurt the first Christmas when I made the effort to get cards/presents for them from the DC and I didn’t even get a card. These days I leave it up to exH (so no doubt they get nothing!)

RosalitaStoneDesire · 09/05/2019 17:48

@SandyY2K

Yes they have. We live in a small area so they felt it would be petty not to and didn't want to make things awkward. Nothing over the top, just initial messages of support and AFAIK they sent him Christmas cards/messages on birthday.

It was arguably more my decision to split (reasonably amicably though) which maybe has influenced ex-PIL's decision not to contact me. I daresay he hasn't told them about why we split (amicable but nonetheless still his doing), so maybe I shouldn't be surprised they haven't contacted me, as in their view he's done nothing wrong.

I certainly don't expect regular contact but I think it's a bit off to say absolutely nothing, especially when there was no acrimony, no affair, nothing like that. We kept it very much to ourselves and I guess I'm a bit Confused that it's like I never existed.

Aroundtheworldandback · 09/05/2019 22:52

My in-laws helped me after their son had an affair and we split but didn’t want their son to find out they were helping me. I guess they wanted a clear conscious and to keep their son happy...

Shodan · 10/05/2019 00:45

I see my PIL once a week when I drop ds2 off for his days with his dad. If time allows I'll sit down, have a cuppa and a gossip, and I have every other Christmas lunch with them.

Our relationship is cordial, even though I'm the one that ended my marriage. Soon after XH moved out my PILs were at my house (can't remember why) and MIL gave me a hug and said it was sad, but sometimes these things happen. I was very touched, but have to admit it felt awkward as I'd been fully prepared to have them cut me off completely.

I could be wrong, but I've always had the slight feeling that they both fully understand why I couldn't be with their DS any more. They are, of course, totally supportive of him, but I have no doubt in my mind that if I needed their help they would give it if they could.

It does help I think that XH and I have a tolerably amicable relationship now.

Chocmallows · 10/05/2019 00:50

My exMIL was awful, told me that DC and I would lose our home after my exH had cheated on me.

Even basic courtesy - checking DC were ok and offering to help with school runs when I worked would have been appreciated.

Original poster
florentina1 · 10/05/2019 08:11

I don’t know if anyone wants an up-date. We exchanged texts and she was very kind and grateful. She said she would like us to meet up.

OP posts:
DeadWife · 10/05/2019 08:13

That's lovely OP. Wish my ex-mil was like you.

BertieBotts · 10/05/2019 08:18

I had to make some distance initially as they were understandably upset for their son. But over time I did keep in touch as I felt it was beneficial to DS to have contact/links with his grandparents. They now see him more than his father does and when we lived nearby they even did some childcare for me which was appreciated as my budget was tight as a lone parent.

ravenmum · 10/05/2019 10:58

Good to hear, florentina :)

notapizzaeater · 10/05/2019 11:07

I'm pleased about that. I felt bereaved when me and my first DH split up from his family.

Nanamilly · 10/05/2019 22:03

That’s great to hear Flora.

Slimerecipehell · 11/05/2019 00:00

I initially confided in my now exmil about the exh affair and they were brilliant about it all. At one point she actually said ‘you were always too good for him!’
Over the next couple of years I saw them less and I think the loyalty kicks in as at the end of the day he is their flesh and blood.
Fast forward a good few years both ex pil provide childcare for me and we have a lovely relationship which ultimately is for the benefit and well being of my children.

HennyPennyHorror · 11/05/2019 00:33

I trust and know that my MIL would offer me her full support. We had a rocky start but both got over it and now love one another.

She's wonderful and we've both said if DH and I ever split (DH and I had some hard times a few years ago due to mental illness) that she would fully be there for me and I for her.

In fact, if I left DH and had nowhere to go, I could turn up at hers and move in. My Mum is in another country and MIL is the closest thing I have here. I love her and feel lucky to have her.