If you split from your partner, did your In-laws help you after the split.

[florentina1]

Sorry if this is an obscure title but I am all over the place. My son has told me that he and his wife are separating, I love them both so much and I have a good relationship with my DiL There is no-one else involved. I am devastated but I know I have to put that to one side and concentrate on them.

I will phone my DiL in a few days, but any advice from you own experiences will be so helpful.

@florentina1 Of course, it is a difficult situation and probably not one you expected to be in. All you can do is let her know you're there for her. It might be no harm to text her saying you're thinking of her and you hope you can see her when she returns. It will probably give her a bit of a boost to hear from you, because as you've seen on this thread it doesn't always happen.

Look after yourself too

I think it's great you want to stay neutral and supportive.

My ex hadn't even told his mother we'd split and he moved out.

I was working and she cane into my work (few days after we split) discussing upcoming trip to her IL with us and ds. I replied that under circumstances I didn't think me, ex and ds going as family unit was appropriate but if course is not stop ds from going. Then I had to break the news to her that her ds had moved out. I was good enough not to mention the ONS he'd had that led to it.

She was then very unsupportive and refused to help me out with ds if I ever asked (I didn't after the first 2 times caused issue) and had a right go at me when I had ds in hospital with suspected meningitis and had tried to call his dad for 3 hours and eventually called her to ask if she had another way to contact him. I was in bits (ds was only a year old) and was even worse after she heard what I said and then yelled at me that he was out with friends but would be at hers when he finished and no she wouldn't be waiting up to tell him and he would not be coming to hospital as she was taking him flat hunting in the morning.

I may have casually asked if she wanted me to text them and let them know if ds survived the night so they knew whether to hunt for a 1 or 2 bed. (Not my finest moment ).

Please don't be that person. Don't take sides - I never expected my XMil too which is why I didn't tell her why we split. But please don't defend your son and protect him at the expense of DIL and grandchild.

No! My Mil is one of the reasons I'm divorcing!
I don't know if there's any kids involved, but if there is make sure you keep up contact with them.
I would of loved someone to lean on, but that's not always possible. If you can call your DIL and ask her how she would like things to be?
I wish you well x

Nope. Never heard a word from them since the day exh left. Not even a goodbye.

I message daily with my ex DIL. We sadly can't see each other much as she moved to another country (taking GC without his father knowledge so there's a court case happening)
I know she did wrong but also understand her reasons. I'm in a tough position as my first loyalty is to my son but I would never cut my DIL and GC out. She sends me a photo or video of GC pretty much every day and I'm grateful.
I will always keep in contact with her unless she doesn't want me to which I hope doesn't happen

I see my ex Mil about once a month. Whether that will carry on when he meets someone new, I don’t know, but for now it’s nice. We just have a brew and a catch up.
She lent XH (her son) money to buy me out of the house too.
I love my Mil 😊

My ex pil have stayed in regular contact and got it about right I think.

When xh and I split they contacted me and said that they didn't want our relationship to change and would always be there for me.

They told xh that he was their son, and their priority, but that they loved me too and were not about to abandon me.

Several years have passed now but we text/phone about fortnightly and see each other every 4-6 weeks, usually just for coffee or lunch. We never talk about xh or ow, but usually about dc or work, small talk really.

Xh had no choice but to accept it and seems fine with it now. When he picks up dc we will chat about his parents.

I am not invited to family gatherings, obviously, but I am still invited to big events - a wedding and a christening over the past year.

I think it has been good for dc to see us all getting along, and good for pil's relationship with dc.

I appreciate all of it because my family live abroad so I have no one here really.

@hellodarkness that’s nice, that’s what I’d like. Instead of pretending that their son hasn’t done this and I don’t exist.

Mine completely cut me off and had the OW and STBXH living with them within a month of him leaving

Dropped like a hot brick.

Ex-h's family are like the mafia, you're either in or you're out.

I did grow close to a lot of them so it's a shame; If I'd have known years ago I wouldn't have opened up to them so much about personal stuff but I was naive.

There was a massive clue that I didn't pay attention to that should have raised red flags: any family member or acquaintance that wasn't actually in the room was massively gossiped about, joked about, insulted etc all the time - I should have realised but was young and daft.

My advice would be don't assume your in-laws are genuinely nice to you for any reason other than you're with their relative and possibly giving birth to more of them .

Sorry went off on a tangent there. You sound nothing like my ex's family OP, keeping in contact with your DIL alone will mean so much especially as there is affection there already between you.

I split with my ex when I was seven months pregnant with her second child. X had an affair. My in-laws were amazing to me. And they continue to be almost 17 years later. They would take the kids for me every Friday and then when I finished work I would have dinner with them before I took the kids home. Although they don’t mind the kids anymore we still continue to see them every second Friday for dinner either in my house or theirs.

They have helped me out over the years when I have been stuck.

I consider my brother-in-law as one of my brothers. He is an excellent uncle to my children.

My ex went on to marry the other woman and they have two more children. But my in-laws have never forgotten about me or my children.

My ex mil helps with the children alot. She is my go too if they are off sick. We also go out shopping now and again. We arent exactly best friends and she does drive me nuts sometimes but i dont know what i would do without her.

Some really inspirational stories out there.
Well done mil's.

Yes interesting thread. It’s something that’s not really talked about but surprising and sad how many ex-in-laws disappeared.

@youarenotkiddingme that is awful and I don't blame you at all for what you said! Did he ever ask after ds and being in hospital or did she just never tell him?

Mine dropped me like a hot brick. Not a single word.
You would have thought I was an awful DIL, but I really really wasn’t. I was loyal and helpful to them, I didn’t cheat on their precious son or anything like that. The one thing I was was too good for them.
I don’t miss them. My DD sees them very occasionally, when she’s at her dad’s.
The thing is, they all know just how awful my exH is. And I agree with them, their loyalities should rightly lay with my exH. But I am the mother of his only child. Their only granddaughter. Wouldn’t hurt to keep it civil.

OP, you could still see them. Take the GC out, she won’t say no. Not because she might need help with childcare, but for the sake of your relationship with the GC.

Ex had OW and PIL were disgusted with his behaviour. They remained really supportive both emotionally ( not practically as lived too far away) and financially once they realised I was struggling once I took the mortgage in my sole name and bought ex out. I never asked for help but they were comfortably off and did what they could. Ex MIL has now died and ex FIL will die in the near future, I don't have contact anymore since Exdh remarried

My parents in law stayed close to me after my divorce and were always very supportive. They even came to my wedding when I remarried and my husband comes with me when I visit them. We're all good friends and they've been an extranet of grandparents to the children I had with my second husband. The first few weeks after my divorce were a little strained but we all worked through it and need up with a lovely relationship.

Ended up with a lovely relationship that should say 😉

I am overwhelmed by your kindness and I never expected so many replies and so many heartbreaking stories. I don’t subscribe to the ‘he is my son and that is where my loyalty must be.’ I am desperately sorry for both of them and I know that they have tried to keep things together. Despite what some posters insist, there is no infidelity on either side.

Sometimes though couples are better apart. I know that neither of them will use me a sounding board as that is not their way. My plan is to text her today, say what has been recommended on here and ask her if it is ok for me to phone her .

That sounds like a good plan and I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

In my case, my exh did have an affair, and I let my ILs know quite how pissed off I was about it, too! However, it's not their fault, and of course they love my ex. And my ex is an adult, his family are not going to tell him off in some way. I wouldn't expect that. My FIL always asks if I am doing OK, and if I am happy - he's clearly worried that his son hurt me, and it's very sweet. They were presumably also nice to the OW while she lasted, because they are nice people, not as a symbol of their approval.

My dad also kept in touch with my exh, and my stepmum was embarrassed when she mentioned that they had seen each other, as she was afraid it would seem disloyal to me. I told her that it showed what nice people they were. But I did appreciate her saying that she didn't want to appear disloyal, too!

I get on better with my in laws post divorce

They help me and my ex out when they can

They're the best grandparents my dcs could ever wish for and I think it's important to keep that relationship positive and healthy

I can't bear the thought of anything ever happening to them

I hope you continue to have a good relationship with your DIL it sounds like you will

My dd1 split with her dh at Christmas. We have always got on okay and he was good with his step ds's. He visits us regularly and we have helped him out as has my dd2.

But my problems is family occasions. He has been to them since the split but my dd is getting upset about his attendance although the boys want him there. I don't want to hurt him, but it is putting me in a difficult position and I have an occasion coming up soon.

Do try to remember it is a difficult situation for pil's as well. We will always be fond of him and see him but things can be difficult and sensitive. I can also see my dd's faults and certainly don't think her behaviour has been perfect.