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Relationships

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Original poster

40 year old who has never had a long-term relationship?

36 replies

Dieu · 05/05/2019 13:21

Hi. I'm a 44 year old divorcee (have been on my own for 5 years), who is currently dating a 40 year old man. It's nothing serious at this very early stage, but he seems like a thoroughly decent and lovely chap, and I am enjoying our dates.
On our last date, I asked him about his most serious relationship so far. He said that he hadn't really had one, and that the longest had lasted 6 months, at which point he hadn't wanted to take it any further. He has no children.
I mentioned this to a friend, and she said it was a red flag, for a man this age never to have been married or committed to a long-term relationship.
Sure, it's a bit unusual, I agree. But would it really put you off someone? Would be interested to know your thoughts (just out of nosiness really, as I do like him, and want to see where this can go).
Thanks.

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 05/05/2019 14:01

I don't think it would be an absolute deal breaker but I'd proceed with caution and not commit for a good while.

Unburnished · 05/05/2019 14:08

You need to find out why really.

Seniorschoolmum · 05/05/2019 14:13

It’s not that rare I don’t think. I met one when I was about 40 and he was just shy.

Just take it slow. If there’s a problem, it’ll become obvious

cafesociety · 05/05/2019 14:13

I know someone like this. Initially they are amenable, pleasant and cooperative. Down the line the irritation, grumpiness and self absorption becomes evident. Tread carefully, he may be on his best behaviour at first.
I wasted a lot of my time finding out the person inside.

MyElbowIsItchy · 05/05/2019 14:15

My first LTR was with dh when we met when I was 28! Prior to meeting him, my other LTR was 3 weeks 😂 tbh I simply had never met anyone that I clicked with, simple as that. Perhaps he’s just the same?

NoBaggyPants · 05/05/2019 14:18

I have a relative like this. He met his first partner in their 40s (she was previously married and has children) and they've been together for twenty years now. He's had such a busy life he'd never prioritised a relationship, and that's fair enough.

I wonder what type of relationship history would not be a red flag, if you're looking for one. No LTR? Red flag. Divorced? Red flag. Children outside marriage? Red flag.

Look at the individual, not some MN stereotypes!

StillSmallVoice · 05/05/2019 14:20

I married someone who was pushing fifty and hadn't had a relationship since his student days. He is just lovely and ten years later we are very happy.

boxlikeamarchhare · 05/05/2019 14:24

I married someone like this. Charm itself for the first five years and we limped along for more than another decade. We are in the throes of divorcing.

He did not admit that he had HFA and I was too naive to know anything.

As he aged the HFA became more and more apparent, much too much stuff to go into here but my advice is to tread very carefully.

JuniFora · 05/05/2019 14:33

Sometimes it's just a matter of not meeting the right person. Many people will hang onto the first person who'll let them because they fear being single. With someone who doesn't, you know they aren't just there for the sake of being in a relationship. Take it slow and get to know each other. It's only a red flag if there are odd or anti social behaviours to go with it.

itisrelevant · 05/05/2019 14:41

My BIL is in his late 40's and has never had a relationship since school.
He is really nice, but comes across as unassertive and lacking confidence, as 'too nice'.

I think he needs one of those makeover programmes where they teach people how to present themselves. I suspect he would make a great partner.

On the other hand I had a female friend who had never had a relationship of over a year. In her case it was a red flag as she was bloody awful and manipulative and controlling.

I guess you just have to treat him as an individual and get to know him.

NameChangeNugget · 05/05/2019 14:44

Some people are driven by other things in their earlier days.

Wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me

Neolara · 05/05/2019 14:48

One of my closest friends hasn't had a serious relationship for about 25 years. She's bloody fantastic. Any guy would be lucky to be in a relationship with her. If you like this person, I definitely wouldnt write them off yet..

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 14:51

It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, I was single until I was 27 and I have only had two fairly short relationships. It just doesn’t happen for some of us until a bit later.

FredaFox · 05/05/2019 14:51

I’m earthy 40s and never had a serious ltr relationship like the ops man,does that mean I should write myself off???

Pishposhpasher · 05/05/2019 14:53

Would ring alarm bells for me tbh.

cstaff · 05/05/2019 14:57

So because you haven't been lucky enough to have met the right person there must be something wrong with you. That sounds a bit harsh tbh. Give him a chance. He could end up being the man of your dreams.

NoughtpercentAPR · 05/05/2019 15:33

In the modern world, some professionals (men and women) focus on their career, avoid or don't get involved in relationships as a combination of prioritising work during that phase combined with never meeting the right person who may have been worth it at that stage.

It may very well not be a red flag at all.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/05/2019 15:37

Yeah its a difficult one. The thing that stood out for me was that he was in a relationship for 6 months and hadn't wanted to take it further? That needs further exploring I think

As a PP said, just proceed with caution. there's no rush is there? Oh, and date other people at the same time

YorkshireBelle2019 · 05/05/2019 20:24

As PP says could it be that he's been career focussed all this time? I met and briefly dated a great guy last year in his very late 30s who'd only had 1 brief relationship and a few flings as his career was all consuming.

I also believe that as a very broad generalisation, men will settle down when they hit the right time for them, not the right person.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 05/05/2019 20:35

I think it’s a red flag too. Push it a bit more.

My ex - I met him when he was 44, 4 years ago, had never had a relationship beyond 2 months. No teenage relationships, no early adult relationships, nothing.

It transpired he had a wonderful relationship with lots of prostitutes, and online dating sites where he trawled women like he was playing a video game, occasionally got a shag out of his efforts....

But he came across as the most ordinary “just never met the right girl” type of guy. His attitude towards women, and sex, was so off the charts a relationship with him was impossible. But it took a long time to get to know the real him (obviously, I’d hardly have stuck around if I knew about prostitutes). I got pregnant and that was what glued us together temporarily.

It’s not a red card in itself but definitely something to pay very sharp attention to. It’s rarely without consequence that someone has never formed close 1:1 relationships.

MarthasGinYard · 05/05/2019 20:37

Dp was 43 when I met him.

No dc never been married.

His longest relationship was about 2 years.

We are still together 12 years on

BelulahBlanca · 05/05/2019 20:38

I’ve never had a LTR. I’d consider myself a normal person

KittensinaBlender · 05/05/2019 20:48

I wouldn’t call it a red flag necessarily but perhaps file it under “something to note”. There are too many reason why a person may not have had a long term relationship and not all point to someone who is incapable of one, although that might be the case.

A family member is mid forties and has never had a relationship but it’s likely because initially they are chronically shy and now because they are stuck in their ways and view themselves as not worthy. As a person they are perfectly nice and I suspect would make a good partner.

tierraJ · 05/05/2019 20:54

I'm 42 & never had an ltr either.... up to the age of 32 I dated a lot but was a bit of a party girl to be honest; planned to settle down in my 30s then it all went wrong... I first had major depression then a psychotic breakdown & was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder (bipolar type).

It's taken years for me to recover, become stable on meds & get enough confidence to try dating.
I'm quite wary of men too as had a few bad experiences.
I also have unstable epilepsy, so can't drive & cant drink cos of the meds.

So there's probably what people would call major red flags about me sadly.

But I seem normal haha & I don't share about anything to my dates except the epilepsy & the depression (but not straight away either) which is more 'socially acceptable' than saying about the schizo affective disorder which is a secret & even my best mates don't know much about it.
I dont tell men I've never had an ltr unless they actually ask.

Since I started dating again I've been definitely unlucky. Either there's been no chemistry (it's a must for me), one was actually married, & the most recent one got really obsessed with me after just 3 dates! Scary! It's put me off for a bit.

I would probably expect a man my age to have had an ltr as if I hadn't become ill I'm sure I'd have had long term relationships/ got married etc.
I've met men who've been single for a while but not any that haven't had relationships at all. I'd think they were either asexual, had social problems or were a player.

blue55 · 05/05/2019 21:37

I'd be worried.
It is unusual to get to 40 and not have had a serious / longer term relationship. Most people would have been in and out of relationships for 20 - 25 years at that point! So it could mean all sorts of things.

And what would it mean if you did develop into a relationship... would he be able to compromise, cohabit, prioritise the relationship, adapt etc etc

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