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Relationships

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Original poster

Hard to admitthis... but does or did anyone else share this view and did it impact who they married in a good or bad way?

46 replies

user6hty · 05/05/2019 10:56

Just want to open by saying I am not obsessed with money or looking for a man to fund my lifestyle! I am mid thirties and have my own home (minimal mortgage)., decent job, not earning masses but I am pretty comfortable.

I want a man with at least what I have financially, if not more, so that if we had a child his income would be the one supporting us, not mine. I would like the option to stop working so much in the knowledge our finances are better off with him working.

I expect this isn't a popular opinion as it can be seen as shallow. but I wondered if anyone else would admit to having it and if they do, did they chose who to marry with this in mind and was it the right thing?

OP posts:

DeathBySnuSnu · 05/05/2019 11:05

Don't marry anyone you wouldn't be happy to go into business with. I've not been shallow three times and regretted each of them lol, I'd say you were being pretty sensible.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 11:08

That approach is unwise: half of marriages end in divorce and people get unwell or even die. Being financially dependent on your H is a big personal risk.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 11:08

Plus many men don’t want to be sole earner, which is fair enough.

pissedonatrain · 05/05/2019 11:09

I would say say there are plenty of people who do this. I haven't but have know a few who have and sometimes it worked out and sometimes it didn't.

If that is what you're interested in, I imagine there are men who would be interested in being the breadwinner and you the sahm. I suppose like other things like it someone wants children or not, or likes pets or not, you'd have to find someone who wants the same as you do.

My mum didn't work outside the home after she married my Dad and it worked out well. She ran the household and raised the kids, cooked from scratch, cleaned, and did it all very well so she wasn't sitting around doing nothing. It worked for them.

DulcieRay · 05/05/2019 11:12

I kind of agree in that I wouldn't date somebody in a worse situation than me. As a single parent that would be a protective factor, though. I would want to know that they will not be expecting to live off of me. So they would need their own home and income.

I wouldn't expect somebody to look after me, either, though.

pissedonatrain · 05/05/2019 11:14

I wasn't shallow this time and ended up with a lodger man child.

It was exhausting.

If there is a next time, I'd like someone to take care of me for a change or should I say make my life easier.

Original poster

user6hty · 05/05/2019 11:14

Thanks for replies. loopy I don't want someone I am financially dependant on... in many ways that is the point. I am entirely independent at the moment and i would never give up my career completely no matter how much money we had as a household. my point is more that i want someone with the same as i have already or ideally more, to give me that flexibility. it is not even to the extent that i want to be a full time housewife.

i just feel totally unattracted to men who earn less, even if their job is objectively pretty decent.

OP posts:

user1474894224 · 05/05/2019 11:17

My life partner wouldn't have become my partner if he wasn't independent and driven. We also shared the belief that mum should be at home. Don't get me wrong during our time together he has had ups and downs with regards to careers as he had just changed direction when we got together and it didn't work out. So he changed again knowing he had a family to support. I think it's more about sharing ethics and beliefs than the amount of salary. If you see what I mean.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 11:18

Your OP said “if we had a child his income would be the one supporting us, not mine”. You’re now saying you’d want to continue to work, and go PT, ie two incomes and workers. lots of us do that, and a few fathers work PT too.

People’s circumstances change: someone may have high earnings now but not later.

user1474894224 · 05/05/2019 11:18

....so don't write someone off who earns less this year ....as 3, 4, 10 years down the line that might be different.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/05/2019 11:20

I think you might be looking for something that doesn't exist so much anymore. 1/3 of women earn more than their husbands these days - just "living" is so expensive that two incomes are generally now required. I think it's unfair to place the burden of financing the family on one person and leads to resentment amongst other things

You're already in your mid thirties so most eligible men will be of a similar age and will also have built up a lifestyle that they will want to protect - why do you think it's so hard to get men to commit these days and get married etc because they are scared a woman will come in and sail off with half off it! Fact is if you give up work to stay home with kids you have him over a barrel in a separation - kids, the house and a larger proportion of assets would most likely be granted to you. Sorry but if I was a man I would avoid someone like you like the plague as if things got financially tough I don't think I'd trust you not to up and leave for someone better able to "fund" the lifestyle you so clearly want and place more importance on than other less materialistic things

Original poster

user6hty · 05/05/2019 11:20

No I am saying I want them to earn more so that if i go part time or i am off for maternity for longer than my employer would pay for, then this would work financially.

i don't even consider men who i know earn less from their job title and i don't know if that's unwise given i am mid thirties now and maybe shouldn't be having this criteria.

OP posts:

Madamedeluxe · 05/05/2019 11:23

I think it’s sensible to consider that. I didn’t and it came back to bite me.

Original poster

user6hty · 05/05/2019 11:23

itwasalovelydream i certainly don't want someone to fund my lifestyle...in fact i have dated extremely wealthy men in the past and simply didn't want to settle down with them. it is not about having my lifestyle funded - i have done that myself for a long time. it is that i want someone who at least has the same as me. i believe where possible someone should be at home with chidren at least for a part time basis and i would like to do that. therefore i want a man who can provide for it.

OP posts:

Supersimpkin · 05/05/2019 11:25

I've done my time with men who don't support themselves. I suspect I'm one of a growing but silent crowd.

We don't like being accused of materialism or being shallow when the welfare of children, let alone us, is at stake. Very misogynistic way to carry on, that.

Madamedeluxe · 05/05/2019 11:25

I also think many couples probably don’t discuss it before they commit to a family and just work it out as they go along.

SignedUpJust4This · 05/05/2019 11:25

I didn't want to be financially dependent on my partner but it turns out that if you have kids you just are. For a while at least so I do think it's something for the smart woman to consider. It just gives you more flexibility. As someone once said 'the most important career decision a woman makes is who she marries'.

I didn't marry for money but I married someone who was as ambitious as I am and who wanted to achieve the same living standard.

My mother's advice was to keep some secret money from your DH and marry someone who loves you more than you love them. I think I'm ashamed to admit that this is what I did. Over the years though I've grown to love him even more and we don't keep money secrets now.

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 11:27

I can’t imagine choosing a partner or turning one down due to their job or earning potential, it’s seems so snobby.

Aussiebean · 05/05/2019 11:28

I think you need someone with the same financial outlook as you.

How you share money, spending habits, saving ideas, investing, work ethic etc.

Add to that beliefs about roles in relationships and how jobs are shared.

If you had very different ideas of how this works, then there could be trouble.

FraggleRocking · 05/05/2019 11:30

I’ve known a few people who had items on their ‘must have’ or ‘must not’ list when dating but (and I know it sounds cheesy) when you find the right person all that falls away. They are all in happy relationships with people who didn’t fit their original, for want of a better word, criteria. You might find the person of your dreams but their income can’t support the family of your dreams without you also providing for it. It would be a shame to settle for a lesser partner and life just for money IMO.

MountainEagle · 05/05/2019 11:31

It was important for me to be able to spend time at home with my DC for at least the first year or two without worrying about money. I was never looking for a man to support me for life, but I did want to have children with someone who agreed that it was important to offer parental attention in the early years, and who was able to finance that. Also someone who was able to pay his share to give DC a nice home and extra curricular activities later on. I didn’t want to have a “hard life” with a broke husband like my mother did, and I wanted my DC to have the opportunities I was denied.

Original poster

user6hty · 05/05/2019 11:31

fraggle i think that is true! i did fall in love in my twenties with someone who was penniless (we didn't break up for that reason!), and it certainly didn't matter to me then.

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/05/2019 11:33

I think you'll spend a couple of years looking for this man only to realise you have left it too late to start a family and That will be a far bigger regret than having a relationship with a man who worships and loves you but is on your proscribed list of jobs which don't meet your income criteria!

Madamedeluxe · 05/05/2019 11:33

Job or earning potential is massively important unless you don’t mind ending up with someone who does not want to work for a living (happened to me more than once, never again.)

FraggleRocking · 05/05/2019 11:42

Maybe that relationship had a bit of an impact though? Dating someone with no money can be tough. But it doesn’t mean you necessarily have to move to the complete opposite. By ruling out men with jobs that don’t match your expectations you could be ruling out some real potential partners.

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