Hard to admitthis... but does or did anyone else share this view and did it impact who they married in a good or bad way?

[user6hty]

Just want to open by saying I am not obsessed with money or looking for a man to fund my lifestyle! I am mid thirties and have my own home (minimal mortgage)., decent job, not earning masses but I am pretty comfortable.

I want a man with at least what I have financially, if not more, so that if we had a child his income would be the one supporting us, not mine. I would like the option to stop working so much in the knowledge our finances are better off with him working.

I expect this isn't a popular opinion as it can be seen as shallow. but I wondered if anyone else would admit to having it and if they do, did they chose who to marry with this in mind and was it the right thing?

Love doesn't kick in according to a specific financial criteria.. it just happens. You might see that as being a risky strategy, but is it any more risky than wasting your precious life waiting for a man with the right bank account ( who could turn out to be a complete bastard in every other way) Everything is a risk in life. I'd marry for genuine love, not genuine money.

I did what you're suggesting and married a guy who earned about double what I was making at the time. We had two kids, 2 years apart, and it allowed me to stay home with them until they started preschool, when I went back to work part time. I went back full time when they were 8 and 10 yo.

So it worked out for us just as you envision it and it was great for the kids. The downsides were that I didn't like being financially dependent and he didn't like the pressure of being the sole earner for so long. There were also two periods when he was made redundant and was out of work for about six months, the second time during the great recession. That was really horrid for both of us.

It worked because he's a lovely guy, generous in spirit, frugal and very good about putting money aside for an emergency. We never missed a bill when he was out of work but did have to spend from our savings.

So I think this can work, but it has to be with the right type of man and you have to be prepared for some hard times along the way. The kids are now 19 and 17, with one in uni and the other getting ready to go. Hopefully we'll retire not too long after the second one finishes.

HTH.

I think far too many people marry or have children based on list rather than their heads. A bit more consideration of lifestyle, shared goals and core beliefs might benefit many more.

I didn’t marry for money (we had very little back then). I did it with full understanding of what our shared life would be like and with a view to how they would be as a father.

I think it’s the exact opposite of shallow.

Sorry but in your mid-30s I don't think you're going to find a lot of men who are high earners who want to marry you (by the time they do you'll be late 30s) so you can be financially dependent upon them. I wouldn't want to take on a bloke like you who just saw me as a convenient paycheque so he could play SAHP. A lot of those men will be looking for younger women, tbh.

I think you need to be more realistic here if you want kids and start considering that at your age you may need to go it alone.

I agree and am totally unapologetic about it. Unfortunately most men I meet, even those in objectively “good” and very respectable jobs, earn around a third to a half of what I do. It makes a relationship almost impossible because our lifestyles and expectations are so different. I don’t want to change the way I live but I also don’t want to subsidise someone.

When I met DH I was earning more than him, his salary was a pittance at a local flying club...fast forward 19 years and he's now a Captain for a major UK carrier I can honestly say I didn't marry him because of what he MIGHT earn, because to try and get an Airline job just after 9/11 was nigh on impossible and he very nearly had to forget his flying career, but that didn't bother me too much, however I do get what you're saying because I was young when I met him...perhaps I would feel differently if I was looking for love at the age I am now.

I think you're being rather prescriptive because what really matters is shared values. DH and I have similar salaries but as long as someone was doing a worthwhile job I wouldn't care about the number. I don't expect DH to pay for everything, we've both worked PT when the kids were small and I think that's a better arrangement for everyone than splitting tasks by gender.

user6hty - in what way are you not wanting someone to fund your lifestyle? You want to be the one to get more time at home with the kids and you want to make sure any future dh earns enough to enable this. You haven't bothered to mention the lifestyle this future dh might want to have, so it is very much all about your lifestyle, isn't it?

No, I’m planning my life with the exact opposite criteria - all my future aims and goals, including financial ones, are done on the assumption I’ll be single forever. If that changes, great - if not, no biggie. I don’t want to get married purely because I want to keep my assets separate and accessible to me only. I would absolutely never enter into a relationship with a man who felt all or the majority of early years parenting should fall to a woman or would want to ‘keep’ me at home - it’s equal (as in, we both go part time) or nothing. For this reason, yes, it would theoretically be helpful for them to be on a similar wage, but finances would be separate anyway. if I did want to take an extended period off work I would ensure I’d saved up enough first to fund it myself. Of course the father should support their children but I’m a grown adult - nobody is responsible for funding my needs and wants except me (and vice versa - I would still expect some kind of financial contribution from savings amassed for this purpose if my partner became a SAHD). I have strong feelings that marriage disincentivises women from being fully financially independent and that this is detrimental to both sexes - it holds women back and stops parenting from being truly equal and puts undue pressure and expectations on men. So in short, no, I don’t care if my partner earns less because he wouldn’t be seeing any of my money anyway. If he’s happy on a lower wage and can afford his share of the bills and have enough left over to buy what he needs and wants, great - I don’t even need to know how much is in his account

I would stop thinking about theoretical men, theoretical relationships and theoretical children. Just get on living you life and enjoy the experiences and people you come across. People with rules and expectations can live very unfulfilled lives. Life throws good and bad things at you. All you need is the resilience to deal with the bad and the freedom to enjoy the good.

The chances are that you will meet someone who is similar to you in income and career standing. Either as choices from OLD or someone from within your family, friendship or work circles. Most people do and those that don’t are seeking difference or are overwhelming attracted to it. So it isn’t really something you need to fret about.

I wouldn’t find a singular focus on the material comfort attractive in a partner. Your life plan would be put me off and it sounds selfish. Having found love, there are things I would want and value so much more than what you have said.

My mother's advice was to keep some secret money from your DH and marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
Wow, I can't believe that was the advice your mum gave you! What horrible advice (and hardly the most important aspect of marriage)!

I made a mistake with someone who was terrible with money, got into a load of debt and had no career ambitions. Never again. It's so stressful to be with a dead weight. Years later, I'm long rid of him but still recovering financially and he contributes nothing to his child. It's so excruciatingly hard to be responsible for absolutely everything.

Someone has to have financial responsibility, ambition and share the same vision of the lifestyle you want. If they don't have those qualities, you'll regret giving him a second look because you won't be happy with irresponsibility, instability and chaos.

Everybody gets to determine their own values, standards and dreams. Don't let anyone talk you out of yours. You're the one who has to live your life.

Bestbeforeyesterday it is horrible advice. She said her Dad told her that. It's only recently I've begun to understand how fucked up my parents marriage was. It's a wonder I have managed any functioning relationships.

Meh - you may think this is an unusual or unpopular view, but it really isn't. Dating sites are full of women who have earning power as their primary consideration. They think they're subtle about it, but it's actually very transparent.

I totally get why you don't want someone earning considerably less than you. I'm a high earner, and I want someone who brings something to the party as well. It's natural to want a partnership of equals. The problem with your attitude, that goes beyond that picture of equality, is the sense of entitlement - the fact that you just expect to be supported to take time out from work and to call the shots while your fella supports you. Why, for example, shouldn't he get to go part time and do the parenting, while you support him? An equal partnership is one where you both come into it, and negotiate and agree how you want things to be. Not where one person comes into it with a sense of entitlement and a belief that they can have it all their own way, while the other partner's job is to smile, nod, and pay the bills.

It's for that reason that your attitude would be an immediate red flag to me, and many others like me.

Then again, I've been there, done that, and handed over the t shirt along with the equity to my ex wife. So, maybe I'm just jaded and cynical - who knows?

Life is not so linear and my advice is to find someone who you truly like and have a lot if shared values with.

Careers and money do ebb and flow. Dh and I have both been made redundant (Dh twice), unemployed, Stay at home parents, part time working and warned at different times different incomes.

This is the r

This is the reality for a lot of people, unless they are independently wealthy.

Ps we are currently both in full time, very high paying careers but we know this is just temporary and don't put too much weight on it/get big headed as we know we could both be out of a job fairly easily

I don’t want to change the way I live but I also don’t want to subsidise someone.

The men who share the same values as you don't want to subsidise you either and there lies the problem. I think you'd be hard pushed to find a man mid-late thirties that fits the criteria. If they're desirable but still unattached it'll be because they don't want to make a proper committment.

I used to think it didn't matter but 2 cocklodgers later (seemed disinterested in money then went for every penny they could get out of me at the end) I wouldn't get involved with someone who clearly stood to gain from me again

i think its important as well, people do feel the same as you i'm sure but i would always considering being able to support myself.

to be honest, if you did want to give up work, you might need a husband with significantly higher earning to compensate for you not working!!!! would someone earning significantly more than you find you attractive if you are not their match income wise???

i find motivation and ability to demonstrate stability attractive but also someone who is of similar values and standards that i hold. Go for someone who matches those standards and values you hold.

anyway, to finish my post, i went for someone who was earning 50% more than me, not a huge amount on our average salary level incomes but enough to mean a difference in each months income in terms of who had spare cash.

he was the one paying for weekends away, paying for meals out etc never got the chance to!! we shared values and outlook on life.

we married after 3 years, i continued working and then stopped when we had kids. DH earns very well (probably not to MN standards) but we've upped our expenditure to our income and money is tight.