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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my relationship is over

48 replies

TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 01:21

And I don't really know how to feel about it.

DH and I have been through a rough patch, mostly (though he would deny it) due to his drinking. I got a new job around 18 months ago and he considers this a dangerous move, allowing me to mix with people who have given me wild ideas.

I gave him an ultimatum 10 days ago. I have refused to insist he stops drinking as I know that way resentment lies and the choice should be his. He promised to cut back, only two pints, home early blah, blah, blah.

I trundled home from a twelve hour shift to find the house in darkness and him still in the pub. Admittedly he wasn't "drunk" when he got back, but he had definitely had more than two pints. I have been calm, fed the animals, sorted the laundry etc and told him that it is over. He is passed out in bed.

I've already done my sobbing and hand wringing, but to be honest I always suspected it would come to this. I just feel numb.

OP posts:
Breastfeedingworries · 05/05/2019 01:24

Awww please look after yourself, you will get through this and come out the other side! Flowers how awful having to go through this at this time of night! At least the Internet never sleeps. Xx

Lilacwine01 · 05/05/2019 01:45

I posted last night about possibly ending my marriage. It was a bit previous really as a good long talk helped to sort a lot of issues. Can you do the same with your dh? 🤞🌻

FuriousVexation · 05/05/2019 06:31

"I got a new job around 18 months ago and he considers this a dangerous move, allowing me to mix with people who have given me wild ideas."

Jesus. One of my exes blamed his depression on me reading too many books 🤔 They will use any excuse in the book to not look at their own behaviour.

How easy, practically speaking, would it be to extricate yourself? Do you live together? If so do you rent or own?

Weenurse · 05/05/2019 06:35

💐

Cherryberrypie · 05/05/2019 07:29

In case your work mates gave you wild ideas ????? What century is he living in?

What ever you do, don’t leave your job.

I wonder who gave him the wild idea of getting pissed and staying out when he should have been home preparing dinner for you and feeding the pets.

Confusedhelpplease · 05/05/2019 08:40

Feel for you. I hope you get through this. I just posted something similar but mine drinks at home.

Is it the facts hes out late or that he drinks?
Mine stays at home but he changes when he has a drinknincan see in his eyes hes been drinking and it really is just starting to grate on me .

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 09:03

Thank you everyone Flowers

My job has been a massive boost to me and it's in a sector where you need to be a certain type of person- there are no criminal records, no drug users, lots of people wanting to do well and expand their horizons. Dangerous folk to be around.

Practically speaking, we rent a property and both our names are on the tenancy. We also have 15yo DS (I feel rather bad I hadn't mentioned him in last nights post actually!)

In terms of his drinking, he's always liked a drink (as do I) but it appears a lifetime of social drinking has caught up with him. He is pissed on anything more than two pints and can be really unpleasant. Not violent but verbally unpleasant. He has no idea what he's saying and genuinely cannot remember what he's said the next day. I've lost count of the mornings where he's up bright and breezy and I'm seething about something he's said to me but cannot remember.

He's still fast asleep Hmm

OP posts:
Inawholeofdoom82 · 05/05/2019 09:26

Colleagues giving you "wild ideas"?! Is he living in the 19th century? Or are you working for an extreme paramilitary group or something?!

Sounds like he is constantly trying to shift the blame on to you. Stay strong, you can't force him to change.

Justcantforget · 05/05/2019 09:33

I can relate to your post as my DH is a binge drinker and can be so annoying when hes drunk, really affects how i feel about him, last time i brought up how concerned i am he said he will stop which i knew he wouldn't and gradually its creeping up againHmm been together over 20yrs with 3DCs, other problems aswell but his life seems pretty chilled and im the one left with the issues.

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 09:43

justcantforget that's exactly how I feel Sad

Shockingly (!) he has no idea what happened last night and is devastated that I have told him I want to split.

inawhole you would think it was an extreme paramilitary group at times! He's mostly supportive and encouraging of my career, it's just the drunk times when my "wild ideas" (going to bed early, making sure the dogs are properly walked, you get the idea) can be so clearly attributed to my work colleagues.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 05/05/2019 09:48

he wont change, build a new life for yourself and ds.

Justcantforget · 05/05/2019 09:52

I feel like im kind of used to it now and it's become the 'norm' but sometimes i think of being single and think id like to be, or atleast have some time apart to work out what i wantConfused.

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 15:11

So DH has spent the afternoon at the pub with friends Hmm

This was a pre arranged meet-up, I told him I would not be going as I was unprepared to play happy families for 3 hours. Rather than cancel he has gone to meet them- I'm unsure whether to laugh or cry.

On the one hand it's so like him not to embarrass anyone or make a fuss but to carry on as normal. On the other, I just can't conceive that, in his situation, I wouldn't be trying to do everything I could to make amends.

Anyway, he'll be home in an hour. There will of course now be no logical conversation or debate, and so it rumbles on Angry

OP posts:
Justcantforget · 05/05/2019 16:09

Treacherous when he gets home will you talk about it or not? I tend to be quiet for a few days which isnt healthy i know but i dont like arguing/confrontation but theres reasons for that especially if DH has been drinking as no reasoning is there. Sending youFlowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2019 16:18

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His primary relationship is with alcohol; its not with you or your child and you are really with someone who has a serious and long term drink problem. The alcohol is controlling him, its certainly not the other way around. You seem to be doing the usual roles associated with such men as well; those of provoker (you never forget), adjuster (because you are adjusting constantly to each crisis, its never stable in your house) and enabler.

Is your H really the role model of a man you want your son to aspire to and or emulate?. No and he probably wonders of you why you and his dad are still together frankly.

I would make plans to leave this person asap and keep your job no matter what happens. His ideas are straight out of the 19th century; he is selfish and his brain has been further addled by alcoholism.

MrsMozartMkII · 05/05/2019 16:23

I'm sorry lass. It's so shit when someone can't or won't break free.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 05/05/2019 16:56

I have nothing to offer you. However I do remember a series of posts by pointythings as she was going through something similar - she also has teenagers.

I remember she and her daughters got a lot of support from https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ which specialises in helping family members of alcoholics.

Best of luck to you Thanks

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 17:07

Thank you witty, funnily enough I read that thread earlier today as she has just posted an update.

We now have the utterly shellshocked routine, where DH declares that he thought everything was "just fine". His biggest bone of contention at the moment is that he doesn't normally use the word "cunt", so it's quite likely he didn't call me one Hmm

He seems genuinely unable to come up with anything useful to bring to the conversation, I've just endured 30 minutes of him staring out of the window looking tragic.

Oh, and he's told me he's not moving out, so that's nice Hmm

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 05/05/2019 17:24

It’s very convenient that he can’t remember every conversation where you have ended it. I think he is hoping you’ll just let it blow over and he can go back to his normal drinking without you bothering him.

Life is too short to waste, you’re making the right decision Flowers

Justcantforget · 05/05/2019 17:37

Has anyone got a link to the posts by Pointythings please? Ive searched but cant find it, (post may help me aswell) hope your ok OP.

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 18:00

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3320156-So-here-we-are-now

This is the follow up justcantforget there's a link to the original in the first post. My situation is not as extreme as pointys but it was a helpful insight Flowers

OP posts:
LemonTT · 05/05/2019 18:02

The reply to him saying he won’t move out is to ask if he will take over the tenancy in his own name and give you half the deposit. Then suggest you speak to the ll about this so you can get the ball rolling. The alternative is that you do this for him. The point to get across to him is that you will now be working towards separation whatever he says or does. It can the long slog of denial or he can realise he is better off finding somewhere cheap and convenient ASAP.

You cannot roll back from this. It’s a now or never situation. Find your resolve and stick to it. Even if you have to continue living with him until you can afford to go.

Justcantforget · 05/05/2019 18:03

Thank you Treacherous

Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 18:03

zoflora he doesn't remember anything when he's had a drink. He told me last night that we had been invited to a BBQ tomorrow, has absolutely no recollection today.

I fear it's a combination of age (he is mid sixties) laziness (I will always remember things) and possibly the effects of long term drinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
TreacherousPissFlap · 05/05/2019 18:10

I think that's good advice lemon. We have the pets to consider as well and there's no way he would want the responsibility of walking, feeding, medicating etc.

The chances of me finding somewhere I could take them is slim, and I also don't see why DS should be uprooted. This has been his home for half of his life and he's coming up to GCSE year.

I have briefly considered asking him to move out for a couple of weeks, allowing us time to regroup. For now I'm resolute I'm doing the right thing, but I want to have given our relationship every chance.

OP posts: