I think my relationship is over

[TreacherousPissFlap]

And I don't really know how to feel about it.

DH and I have been through a rough patch, mostly (though he would deny it) due to his drinking. I got a new job around 18 months ago and he considers this a dangerous move, allowing me to mix with people who have given me wild ideas.

I gave him an ultimatum 10 days ago. I have refused to insist he stops drinking as I know that way resentment lies and the choice should be his. He promised to cut back, only two pints, home early blah, blah, blah.

I trundled home from a twelve hour shift to find the house in darkness and him still in the pub. Admittedly he wasn't "drunk" when he got back, but he had definitely had more than two pints. I have been calm, fed the animals, sorted the laundry etc and told him that it is over. He is passed out in bed.

I've already done my sobbing and hand wringing, but to be honest I always suspected it would come to this. I just feel numb.

I'm sorry to hear about this. Can I suggest recording his drunk conversations on your phone from now on? At least then he can't pretend it didn't happen or wasn't said.

How you doing today Treacherous?

Deep and profound misery mrs

I'm rumbling on as normal, DH looks shellshocked and unhappy- I suppose in fairness I've had more time to get used to the idea than he has.

He slept on the sofa last night, a sure sign of outward remorse. We've "talked", but we don't seem any further ahead TBH. He's very sorry and will definitely change, I've heard it all before.

If I'm honest I don't know what I want, apart from the man I fell in love with back, rather than the bitter, spiteful example I've got now. I'm not sure what he could say to convince me this time will be different.

On the plus side, this weekend has done wonders for my ironing pile

Sounds very similar to my stbxh, apparently completely unaware that anything was wrong, totally shellshocked, refused to move out, I think he thought everything would go back to normal like it had every other time.

I slept on the sofa for 3 weeks until I moved out into a rental. I kept repeating I wasn't happy and didn't love him anymore, times were awful, terrible rows, lots of denial. I stuck to my guns when I never had, it didn't come as a huge surprise to my family, or his mother, but others were flabbergasted, I'd done a good acting job for several years.

He's a better man now, much better with the kids, still drinks when he doesn't have them - denies this but I see him at the pub when passing! I can forgive some things, and I can remember the good times, but I will never forget how I was made to feel second to the pub. He always just had to see such and such, needed to pop in about something, got held up talking about something important...yada, yada

We're amicable now, have holidayed together for the dc but I would rather be on my own forever than back with him.

Good luck, stay strong x

I'm sorry lass. It really is shit.

This period will be stressful and at times you may well doubt yourself, but the future will be so much better.

Well this evening should be fun.

I've had a request "to talk", I've pointed out that all our talking so far has been of the "I'm sorry, I'll change" variety which really doesn't cut it anymore. I feel this was not the answer I was supposed to give

So DS is out tonight and we will talk. DH is plainly terrified about what's happening, which is possibly the only chance we have to elicit a change. I'll just have to wait and see what he comes up with.

What could he possibly say? He has been on this roundabout many times before.
Apologise and promise to change. How long does that last? One week? Two?

Then are you being a naggy spoilsport when you pull him up on drinking?

It’s no life for you. Even if he does change he needs to do it because HE wants to change. Not because he feels it’s the only way to save the marriage when he doesn’t actually think it’s a problem.

If nothing else zoflora, I guess there are practicalities we need to discuss.

Do I want him to stop drinking completely? Possibly, but that would have huge ramifications on our personal and social life. I'm not sure I want to (actually I'm certain that I don't) and I'm not sure how that would work.

Am I happy with him drinking without me? The honest answer is no, but whether that's something I'm able to dictate is on dodgy ground I think. He's already said he will give up drinking, the first time he's ever even broached that idea (I'm afraid I probably snorted at that point)

I suppose the biggest thing is that DS is going away on an expedition in 10 weeks. He'll be gone nearly a month and it's a big deal for him (understandably so) Do I want to hit him with the news that his parents are splitting up before that?

There's the possibility I use this as a final ultimatum. DH stays and we try again with a clean slate. He stops drinking for 10 weeks until DS leaves (we are due to go on holiday then as well, I'm not remotely sure we're ready for that) and then we see where we are. Any fuck ups and we're done.

That way DS could go off being none the wiser, we have a fixed timeframe to see how things change, and DH knows that this really is it.

Alcohol really seems to play a central role in your relationship. 10 weeks isn’t that long. I know of one couple who split 10 months ago and are still living in the same house with the dc unaware as they are trying to sort out housing before telling them.

I guess only you know if this is the end of the road for you or if you need to give it one more chance.

I think the most important thing to do now is to decide what you want to happen. Once you have done that you can set boundaries. May I also suggest contacting Al-Anon or similar? Talking to people in the same situation will really help.

I am glad you have found my threads helpful.

Have you considered recording him when drunk? To show him the next day? That way 1. He can’t deny it 2. He might get a shock when he sees how bad he is?

I think the issue is that he doesn't drink that much so he doesn't see himself as a stereotypical drunk- a couple pints now and he's a different man.

I've just had an extremely tearful phone call begging for a final chance. I've not wavered and reiterated that we will talk later. He is definitely panicking.

Treacherous i had a talk with my DH a couple of months ago, he said he would stop drinking (which isnt what i was trying to get across) slowly but surely hes nearly back to where he was, its a bloody vicious circle and im hoping one day ill have the strength to break this, whether be a break or permanent split i dont know, like yourself we have a holiday book and other commitments for the foreseeable future. Please take care and keep us updated.

He needs to realise it isn't how much he drinks that's the issue, it's who he becomes when he drinks. He becomes someone horrible, someone you don't want to be around. No other reason for ending the relationship is needed - if he gave a damn, he wouldn't inflict his worse self on you like this.

Exactly pointy
I have to say, I've had more fun evenings

Well we've decided.
DH (and I) are not drinking for ten weeks. We are approaching our relationship as if it was new and attempting to put putting our past issues behind us. After ten weeks we'll see, it's definitely not cut and dried.

I do however feel happier that we're having one last crack at the whip. DH knows that one more fuck up and I will walk, the rest is really down to him. If we do end up splitting up, at least I can say we tried everything possible.

Many thanks to all of you who were so supportive, you will never know how much it meant

I understand your need to have tried everything. I felt the same. I hope it turns out well for you.

Thank you pointy.

I also wanted to thank you for a post I read in your original thread, regarding how you tried to be a part of your DD's worlds, but your XH didn't. This also struck a real chord with me and I've screenshotted it, possibly for a suitable time in the future

It's worth looking up something called 'cognitive rigidity'. It's something that is a feature of addiction as well as of other forms of mental illness. My H certainly suffered from it.

I'm now almost 20 months on from the thread that started it all and it's really heartening to know that my experiences are helpful to others in the same situation.

Try recording him ... and play it back when he is sober

In terms of his drinking, he's always liked a drink (as do I) but it appears a lifetime of social drinking has caught up with him. He is pissed on anything more than two pints and can be really unpleasant. Not violent but verbally unpleasant. He has no idea what he's saying and genuinely cannot remember what he's said the next day.

I'm a very long term sober alcoholic (did an AMA on it) and this is shrieking out to me.

If he really is plastered after two pints he is likely to be suffering from liver damage, even failure. It was the first sign of DH's terminal liver cancer and our GP told me it's always a red flag.

When a heavy drinker suddenly loses his tolerance there's something serious wrong.

Get him to your GP and soon.

What Prawnofthepatriarchy said. My DM was alcoholic and went from tolerating up to a bottle of vodka a night to getting completely pissed on a tiny amount. DF went the same way after she died of alcoholic liver disease. Either that or he is drinking secretly.

Treacherous i just wondered how things have been last couple of weeks, hope things are improving.