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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hes been on pof and tinder..

39 replies

Rosielee93 · 04/05/2019 23:41

Heres a bit of back story..

Been together 3 years have 1 young child together and rent a house together.

We have had our ups and down but no history of cheating worst ive seen is him looking up female celebrities online. Ive never ever found anything that would suggest hes cheated until today. I look on his phone ( i know i shouldnt but i can't help it. I wont be replying to any comments about this ) again never found anything on there until tonight i looked at his app history his latest searches are pof and tinder and his most recent deleted app is pof (plenty of fish) then further down the list is tinder. Hes had 3 phone changes since we met so i know its not an old search or old app. And also the 3rd thing he searched on the app store is the nectar card app which is something i know hes downloaded in last few months so this all just be recent.

I know i sound crazy and paranoid but i suppose if you keep looking you will eventually find something. Im not sure what to do. I know he will go crazy if i find out ive been on his phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosielee93 · 04/05/2019 23:56

Im now lying in bed wondering why he would do this to us. Hes just worked away for two weeks so may have done it then. I really dont know what to think. Not sure whether to tell him or not.

OP posts:
Mummaofmytribe · 05/05/2019 00:01

Have no practical advice. Just didn't want to read and run. I was in a similar situation and I did snoop on my OH's phone. I did it because I was so suspicious and needed proof I wasn't being paranoid. So I'm not going to flame you. I wouldn't have looked if I hadn't been made to feel I was being crazy with my suspicions.
I wish you luck with however you decide to handle this. It's horrible when you see the evidence, isn't it

Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 00:04

Did you find anything? Im gutted tbh I've even downloaded tinder and pof to see if i can find him on there but i cant.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 05/05/2019 00:08

He could have been talking about it with a mate, doing it in the pub for a laugh, just idle curiosity.

If you're just going through his phone with a fine tooth comb for no reason at all (no history, no suspicions..) then sorry but you're totally out of order (no need to respond to that so don't worry!) and you should just talk to him. Admit what you've done and ask him what it was about. I suspect he'll lie awake wondering why you've decided to break his trust so totally with all the snooping.

Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 00:11

How is downloading a dating app a laugh? Nope dont think so.

OP posts:
Boomsk · 05/05/2019 00:13

Brie - let me tell you a little something about guys. They don't stand around and say 'hey - download POF HAHA - you got all these girls on there wanting to hook up?'
NOBODY MENTIONS ONLINE DATING. It's the rule of the game.

He's been fishing OP.

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/05/2019 00:17

I downloaded it once with some other couples up friends because it sounded fun all the swiping and we just wanted to look. You can't 'tell me a little something about guys' like they're some fucking homogeneous mass, they're not.

You know what, just end it then. What's the point if you're so constantly convinced he (and all the others by the sound of it!) are shit bags.

Fonduefrolics · 05/05/2019 00:43

tinder works by location so working away and have your search radius set low in the area you’re staying might mean the chances of being accidentally found by someone you know are considerably lower. It’s doesn’t look good. When you say he’d go crazy - how do you mean?

beenwhereyouare · 05/05/2019 01:09

@MyKingdomForBrie

Wow, how rude!

I'm thinking someone has snooped on you?

ittakes2 · 05/05/2019 06:37

Is it possible he downloaded these to snoop on you?

Windygate · 05/05/2019 07:00

So when he snoops on your phone and finds POF and Tinder what's your excuse?

Wheresmyvagina · 05/05/2019 07:02

He's looking to cheat. There is only one reason for downloading dating apps whilst working away.

Sadiesnakes · 05/05/2019 07:09

Ignore @brie, obviously a bloke or some poor 20 something with ridiculously low standards.

You obviously had good reason to snoop on your oh. He's cheating or looking to cheat for sure.

Take screenshots of all the app history, watch and wait and snoop some more. Confront him when he inevitably fucks up again.

Thatnovembernight · 05/05/2019 07:17

If I hadn’t looked at messages I would still be married to a man who had deliberately arranged some kind of hook up. I would almost certainly have caught the STI he picked up that week. I looked because I knew I was being lied to. So no judgement from me.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 05/05/2019 07:19

I’m half with brie I know some of my friends have downloaded to “play” tinder but much less so with POF. There’s no real need to download a dating app if you’re not single.

However, the fact he took the time to delete it kind of shows he knows you snoop on him so he’s unlikely to feel trusted etc

MondeoFan · 05/05/2019 07:26

I'm with Fondue

He has downloaded it whilst he has worked away for 2 weeks, depending how far it was that's why he wouldn't have come up on a search when you looked as it does it by location so it wouldn't show you people that were 2-4 hours away if you had it on a local setting

Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 07:46

Yeah but he's home now that's when i looked so surely he'd come up

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 05/05/2019 07:49

Not if he’s deleted the app or switched it off broadcasting (which surely he must have or risk getting found)

Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 07:53

Oh yeah i suppose. We had a big argument about a month ago so could of downloaded them then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 07:54

If you knew him you would never think he'd do anything like this. He acts like he loves me with all his heart and would never look at another women but maybe it was in a moment of anger.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 05/05/2019 07:58

@beenwhereyouare

Nope, not that I know of. I've looked at an ex's phone myself, when I had suspicions (confirmed!) what troubles me about this OP is she's been systematically snooping for the whole three years even though he's never put a foot wrong. If that was a bloke snooping on a woman he'd rightly be called controlling and jealous.

I don't think it's rude to point that out, and to suggest that there could be some other explanation, given he's never given any sign before. They've been together three years and have a young child, is it not worth a consideration? A conversation?

Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 08:03

'Even though hes never put a foot wrong' hahaha that's hilarious. How can you ever assume something like that? Just because hes never cheated to my knowledge does not mean hes a perfect boyfriend. And where in my posts have i said I've snooped the whole relationship?!

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 05/05/2019 08:43

In the OP you said it, 'I look on his phone' 'never found anything until tonight' it's all in there, I'm assuming nothing.

It's just not healthy. Attack me all you like it won't make you right. He's being monitored against his will, that is wrong.

Original poster
Rosielee93 · 05/05/2019 08:48

Doesnt mean ive been doing it for 3 years..

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/05/2019 09:35

Well Brie why don’t you ask the OP if there have been any signs or issues in their relationship, rather than assuming everything’s perfect and she has zero reason to feel insecure?

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