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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Give him another chance or end it?

36 replies

denimfeverrr · 04/05/2019 21:03

Recent NC. This is the kind of thread I would think 'LTB!!!' but... ugh I don't know, it's different when it's yourself I guess!

Started seeing a guy approx 3 months ago. Both in our twenties but very different places. I have a 3 year old from my previous relationship, own house & car. He still lives with parents, gets taxis/lifts or buses everywhere - none of that bothers me. He had no intention of settling down and wasn't looking for a relationship, neither was I.

I've known him years, we ended up sleeping together a few times drunk in January, it progressed to a relationship and he now stays at my place a couple of nights a week when I don't have my child, though he has already met her in the past when we were just friends.

It's been a few months now and here are a few of the things that are bothering me:

  • he sometimes bails on me if he has a better offer e.g. his friends ask him on a night out
  • changes/forgets plans easily
  • sits on his phone a lot of the time. Nothing suspicious just playing games etc. for an hour at a time.
  • even if he knows I'm having a bad day, doesn't ask how I am or call me, just waits for it to pass
  • sometimes ignores my messages for hours at a time when I know he's not busy
  • didn't get me anything for my birthday a few weeks ago, not even a card

He's meant to be coming round tonight. Went out last night and got home at 8 this morning. Hasn't replied to my messages from around 11 this morning though I know he's been online. It's now 9pm and haven't heard from him, now I'm in on Saturday night with no plans!

I've put up with him for this long because:

  • I know he does have real feelings for me, he's never been with anyone in the years I've known him and he does have moments where I do really see how he feels and he says he's sorry for being like this and he does really love me and doesn't want me to leave him. He was the one who progressed out FWB into a relationship, not me.
  • I love him. I wish I didn't but I really do. I think being friends first made it really hard to fall into it with him.
  • he's been abused in the past, I think maybe because of this he finds it hard to open up. He had a very messed up childhood and upbringing involving his mum's boyfriend beating him up. He's never told anyone about this except me.
  • he's never had a serious relationship before so this is all very new to him, he doesnt seem to know exactly what to do and the kind of etiquette of relationships.

I have told him a few times about how his behaviour is affecting me and he said he'll try harder but I haven't seen it yet.

From all that ranting, do I give him another chance to change or just end it? Any advice readily appreciated.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 04/05/2019 21:05

No op I wouldn't continue if I were you, should be a lot better than this at the beginning.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 04/05/2019 21:06

I personally would end it. You've told him on several occasions how his lack of manners or consideration towards you makes you feel and he will 'try harder' - but hasn't done.

I honestly think you'll get more and more dragged down by this. You're a grown up and he's not. He's offering no support and you are 'good enough for now' - unless a better offer comes up. I'd end the relationship now.

Whichwayfoward · 04/05/2019 21:06

Personally, I'd finish it. Be sounds like a teenager.

It doesn't sound like he brings much to your life. He seems to be lazy, disinterested and rude.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 04/05/2019 21:07

He isn’t going to change and you have been open with how you feel, he promised change and it didn’t happen?

Can you carry on like this?

VeronicaDinner · 04/05/2019 21:08

I think you can only continue the relationship knowing that he will not change from how he is. It might be that you can develop an independence from him that allows you not to be bothered by his childish behaviour. But don't plough any time into attempting to change him. It won't work and it will drive you crazy.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/05/2019 21:09

Personally I’d want a partner not a partner who needs training!

bobstersmum · 04/05/2019 21:11

Life really is too short op. There is someone 100 times better for you out there.

Loopytiles · 04/05/2019 21:11

You’re wasting your time/emotion on him.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 21:14

Op. You said it yourself you're in different places.

Those places are you're a grown up and he's still a teenager. I recognise the behaviour of a teenager

I'd end it. He's a lot of growing up to do, you have a kid, you don't need another . It isn't going to work, you'll just grow to resent and hate him for his teenage ways.

Honeyroar · 04/05/2019 21:14

No. He knows he's upsetting you, you've discussed it, yet he hasn't changed his rude and selfish ways. You've already given him a chance..

JuniFora · 04/05/2019 21:16

He's not making you happy. The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be exciting and fun, he's boring, lazy and not into you. You can do much better than him. You can find an adult who can be an equal partner and share good times with. That's never going to happen with this one.

livinglavidavillanelle · 04/05/2019 21:21

Actions speak louder than words OP. There's nothing wrong with devoting time and effort into helping someone recognise how to meet your needs. But if you tell them, show them, explain to them and they still don't try, then that's a red flag right there and I would drop right out.

category12 · 04/05/2019 21:26

You'd have a hope if he actually made some effort after you bring up the issues, but it's just words. You need to break it off.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/05/2019 21:32

Being abused in the past doesn't give someone a licence to act like a twat.

He's fickle and thoroughly selfish. Bin him off.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 04/05/2019 21:34

get rid. FFS. get some standards.

OldAndWornOut · 04/05/2019 21:37

Your whole perspective seems to be about what may have caused him to act how he does.
There may well be reasons why, but that isn't really your concern, because they still don't explain what your reasons are for accepting excuses..

AFistfulofDolores1 · 04/05/2019 21:38

Good grief. No.

C0untDucku1a · 04/05/2019 21:39

Its a leave him from the second paragraph alone.

Original poster
denimfeverrr · 04/05/2019 22:13

So shortly after I posted this thread he messaged me 'im sorry for fucking up today I'm an idiot'. I left a while then replied saying 'I'm done trying to be honest. I knew you wouldn't show up so I made other plans. I'm just done.'

He's now sent me a heap of messages saying he wants to do better, I deserve someone who treats me right but he's upset and hates that he's messing everything up by being unreliable and a child and he's very sorry and can he fix it.

... I'm wavering. I haven't replied yet.
I know I'm pathetic. Sad

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/05/2019 22:17

Save yourself more stress and get out of this shit relationship.

VeronicaDinner · 04/05/2019 22:24

If you like him that much, give him another chance. You can always bin him off later?

Catmint · 04/05/2019 22:26

You are his FWB. That's it.

RevealTheLegend · 04/05/2019 22:30

If he had a shred of self awareness he’d accept he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship and set you free.

He’s being a dog in the manger. CBA to get this act together, but happy to keep stringing you along.

Look at his message. All about him. Look at his actions.

letsdolunch321 · 04/05/2019 22:31

Unfortunately you are convenient when he wants a shag.

Don't reply, you could give him another chance but fast forward to next weekend and you'll be back to square one with him treating you like shit,

adayatthebeach · 04/05/2019 22:33

You have a child. I don’t see him as a good partner. Sorry OP