Wife struggling to cope with six week old

[dadindifficulty]

My wife and I have a beautiful six week old girl. We had some real trouble with the breastfeeding early on but she stuck with it and our little girl is putting on weight (7lb6oz to 9lb2oz in six weeks), which is fantastic.

The trouble we are having is that my wife is being 100% focussed on the baby, and not taking enough care of herself. I'm absolutely fine for her not to worry about me, but my focus is split 50/50 between the two of them and my wife doesn't like it when I focus on her.

The little one has had some vomiting problems (I don't think anything too serious, GP has okayed her), but my wife is becoming really inward when she gets worried. Doesn't want me to touch her (arm around her, etc), just says "worry about her, not me".

I'm really struggling to convince her that I can't simply stop caring about her because the baby is crying or throwing up. It's really upsetting me personally but I don't want to put that on her plate along with everything else.

When the baby is happy, my wife is too. Smiling, playing with her, and her old self, but as soon as she worries, it's just night and day. I know her hormones are going nuts and I feel selfish even worrying about it, but I love my wife AND daughter and I don't know what to do :(

Having a baby is pretty life changing and is all consuming for the first 6 months. However it does sound like your wife might be suffering from anxiety which could be a sign of post natal depression. Could you have a quiet word with her health visitor?

I couldn't stand being touched, I basically had a baby touching me at ALL times and I didn't feel like my body was mine anymore so I relished every second of being left alone.

Her behaviour sounds completely normal to me.

Just ask her what she'd like you to do, take initiative and help out around the house, change the baby, bath the baby, run your wife a bath, bring her a drink if these are things you don't already do. If she backs away from your offers don't be offended, question her or show concern, it really isn't anything personal the early days are just I overwhelming.

Congratulations on your daughter :)

Part of the reason why she doesn't want you to touch her could be to do with intimacy. Childbirth can be very brutal both physically and emotionally and many women are scared of resuming intimacy.
She may also have some degree of post natal depression which can manifest itself in many ways. If you think this may be the case then speak to the health visitor.
6 weeks is a very short time, she may just need longer to get used to being a mum.

I agree with the touching.
Do what you can to make day to day life easier, take the baby so your wife can have some space and definitely don’t take it personally.
It’s early days and will get easier.

Thank you for the quick replies. Yeah, I'm not expecting any romantic physical contact, this is just more me wanting to give her a hug or even just a hand on the shoulder to try to reassure her.

I think it definitely is anxiety and I try my best not to come across as careless if I don't worry as much as she does. I ask what she'd like me to do, and she gets upset and says she doesn't know and doesn't want to have to tell me.

I'm doing all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, making sure she's eating and drinking plenty, trying to take as much additional stuff away from her as possible, and she's improving. It's just these episodes when something makes her worried that she seems to lose control of herself. She doesn't like me taking the baby away from her to try to calm her, she doesn't like me looking at her while she struggles, doesn't like me looking at my phone. It's that old stupid "can't do anything right" stereotype you read about with dads.

But I'm finding myself worrying far more about my wife than my daughter right now, and I don't think my wife wants that to be the case.

Sleep, sleep, sleep! I found sleep deprivation the hardest part of being a new mum. Once the first 3 months were over, I got more sleep and life started to feel normal again.

Please, please don't touch her if she isn't wanting you to right now. You honestly have no idea how exhausted and touched out your wife is. Establishing breastfeeding can be one of the most draining things a woman can do. Her hormones are a disaster, her breast are probably sore, and she is physically and mentally shattered.

Just do all you can and KEEP TALKING. Ask her how she feels. Ask her if she needs anything. Tell her you will be thrilled for cuddles when she's ready. It might be nice to offer a foot rub at night. She might really enjoy that. It will be relaxing (if she likes it of course), and it won't involve the pressure to be sexual.

Try not to worry, you're doing brilliantly. This stage shall pass!

It’s very normal to feel completely ‘touched out’ with a small baby. Someone else is touching you constantly 24 hours a day. You just don’t want anyone else pawing at you. If she doesn’t want you touching her, that’s fine and normal. Just don’t touch her! Ask her what she does need and do that instead.

My DH really struggled with this too so both your feelings are completely "normal".

Our youngest was very high needs and breastfed, being away from me upset her and being with her every second of every day overwhelmed me and that's where he struggled because he felt useless and helpless as he watched on unable to help.

A hand on the shoulder was literally enough to make me physically recoil, it wasn't a concious thing though.

I agree, it does get a bit easier as they get older.

Sleep is tough, she's breastfeeding exclusively and with the vomiting and stuff we're a bit worried that starting to express and take a bottle will make things worse. So, at the moment my wife is her sole source of food, which means she hasn't had more than 3/4 hours continuous sleep in those six weeks. And when we get her to sleep in the evenings she'll like awake looking at baby blogs and things for another 30 mins or so.

I'm not sure how to help her.

Worrying about a new baby, especially if it's the first one, can feel overwhelming. She may feel inadequate (and exhausted) at times, I know I did!
It's good that you are looking after your wife when she doesn't care about herself because she's focused on your child. She sounds like a caring mum and you sound like a caring husband, you're a good team. Hopefully soon things will start to settle. Congratulations on your baby

I feel like people are focusing quite unfairly on the touch thing, which is more an example of how she's not herself than OP's actual problem/concern.

Do you think she's developing post natal depression or anxiety? Is there anyone else close to her you can talk to - her mum, a sister, a close friend? If not, it might be worth you ringing the health visitor - they're not going to share any confidential information about your wife with you (of course) but they might be able to sensitively get in touch with her and encourage her to talk and seek help.

We had a very vomity baby. My days it was hard work. Fobbed off by the GP as it being ‘normal’, bit of reflux. Given infant Gaviscon which really didn’t help with a fully breastfed baby! I felt pretty broken. DD cried whenever she was put down, terrible sleeper but we were told not to co-sleep as she was low birth weight and it’s a high risk for SIDS. I finally went back to the GP when she was 6mo and sobbed, saying ‘I can’t do this any more!’. I got ranitidine prescribed for the reflux (it really helped) and anti-depressants for me. Things rapidly improved. I wish I hadn’t waited so long before admitting I was overwhelmed. Babies shouldn’t be vomiting so much that you both require 4-5 outfit changes a day!

It sounds like she is overwhelmed. Having a very sicky baby is such hard work. I would be concerned about her refusing to let you focus on her. Even at my worst I loved the opportunity to palm DD off so I could have a bath by myself. Would she consider going to a GP appointment together? Look at possible meds for the babh’s sickness and support for her?

Talk to your wife when she is happy and ask what it is she needs from you when she is having a bad time.

She might not want a hug, maybe a cup of tea or just left alone.

As someone breastfeeding a three month old I would say just let her feed, bring her water, make dinner. There's not much you can do about sleep but be ready to bring her things she needs if she's feeding. As the baby gets older she will sleep for longer between feeds - we're managing a whole two hours now!

My DP sends me to bed at 9 and gives him a bottle of milk about 12 so I get at least three hours sleep - makes a big difference but doesn't sound feasible for you yet.

She will be feeling that the full weight of responsibility is on her shoulders. She is always the person who ultimately has responsibility for the baby thriving. One of the most difficult things I found with my dd who is four now was feeling the responsibility for making decisions when she was ill about phoning doctor etc and always being the one who did that. I would have loved it if my DP had said yes, I think we should ring doctor and actually done it rather than saying he didn't know what we should do. I just needed someone to take some of the strain! So maybe think about that. Read the baby blogs yourself - da has reflux and I've read everything I can find but you can bet your bottom dollar my DP hasn't.

Just be there for her. I agree with everyone else, small baby attached 24/7 I dont want touching. I love being left alone in the evenings to chill and watch t.v with baby napping.

I would, however love someone to make me a brew!! talk to her and ask what she wants. Even a shower in peace and quiet is lovely!

It's a really tough time. Keep listening to your wife and keep on doing as much of the chores as you can.
Look after your own health too, new dads can also struggle with mental health issues.

Hi, congrats on your lil bundle.

Her behaviour sounds fairly normal in some respects but there is a possibility that it could turn into pnd if left to fester.

I was incredibly anxious when I had my recent child as she had reflux, blue episodes and the first few weeks were so rough. Thing is during the day I'd be ok-ish but at night I couldn't cope, everything seemed more desperate, serious and I felt I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was angry at everyone else because I felt they didn't care as much as I did.

We might then have a good couple of days and I'd start to feel more confident but then she be sick or I'd feel something was wrong and would feel desperate and teary again.

I had pnd after my first so this time round when I felt it creeping in I went for counselling.

If it's your first then she is learning as she goes along as much as you are so to expect her to tell you what she wants or need you to do may seem like a simple ask, and I know you only want to help but it is MASSIVELY overwhelming.

The early months are something that a lot
of ppl have to just get through and then it gradually starts to improve. Just try not to take anything personally, carry on helping as much as you can and take specific responsibility for a couple of baby things such as bath time or nappy changes when you're at home.

Keep an eye on her though.

I can identify with your wife. With my first born, if I was worried about her in anyway, I would get REALLY worried and totally consumed by whatever the issue was I was worried about - whether it was her weight, sleep, illness. I would google obsessively and was very anxious. I’d often read loads and loads about whatever it was I was worried about at the time and it would be all I could think about.

I used to get irritated too, if my husband asked what I wanted him to do or downplayed my concerns. And any suggestion of giving me a break from the baby would really rile me.

Best advice I can give is do as much practical stuff as you can (which it sounds like you have been) and if she tells you her worries, try not to downplay them. Ask her if there’s anything she thinks you can read about whatever she’s worrying about so you’re up to speed with her. For example, when my daughter had sleep issues, I read so many different theories about how to improve her sleep and I would sometimes just want to talk them through with my OH to try to work out the best thing to do and it would really annoy me if he seemed disinterested or just said he didn’t know what the answer was. I didn’t expect an answer, I just needed to talk it through.

Its definitely a form of anxiety. It’s so hard at that age because you’re still trying to work them out and you get nothing back from a 6 week old! But my mood absolutely improved as my baby got older and easier to read.

I realise this sounds like I’m telling you to completely surrender to your wife’s needs - I’m not - of course you and your emotional needs are just as important and you need support too. It’s just when you’re the mum at home with the baby and you’re constantly obsessing/worrying about every little thing as well as trying to work your baby out, it’s incredibly mentally draining.

You sound like a very caring husband and dad.

**I would have loved it if my DP had said yes, I think we should ring doctor and actually done it rather than saying he didn't know what we should do. I just needed someone to take some of the strain!

Oh god yes to this!

Sorry, that was a quote from a pp that I tried and failed to bold!

It sounds like with the best intentions you are really annoying her. She’s an adult. By all means help but you sound like you are monitoring what she eats, if she sleeps, when she’s using her phone, her reactions to the baby, to you....do you go to work? I’d be feeling utterly desperate after 6 weeks of that. I’d want you to back off.

These days are very hard. A baby coming in to your life is not the same dream everyone envisages when they are pregnant.

Being continually attached to the baby is for some women very overwhelming. I found it horrid. I just wanted to be left alone. My entire life changed overnight. It is very mentally as well as physically challenging.
You also have no perspective on how things will change when it is your first one and you don't know the road ahead. Her new normal isn't easy.

Ask her how you can help, be supportive and give her space. She is sleep deprived and that messes with your head. Her body is also recovering and she is trying to get her balance back.

Keep positive and know that things will get better eventually.

You sound wonderful try not to worry to much vocally as you'll make her feel like she isn't doing enough. Keep doing what your doing. Sleep was a big thing for me no sleep ment a huge hormonal mess.

Maybe your wife needs you to agree with her and support her in her worries about the baby?

You describe them as just vomiting issues - but your wife might think it’s more.

Just because the GP says so, it doesn’t mean they’re right! It took me going to the GP every week for three weeks before they took me seriously. Ds had silent reflux.

I used to worry about ds a lot and dh was incredibly dismissive!! This is quite common from talking to other mums - the dad says it’s fine but the mum worries more.