Wife struggling to cope with six week old

[dadindifficulty]

My wife and I have a beautiful six week old girl. We had some real trouble with the breastfeeding early on but she stuck with it and our little girl is putting on weight (7lb6oz to 9lb2oz in six weeks), which is fantastic.

The trouble we are having is that my wife is being 100% focussed on the baby, and not taking enough care of herself. I'm absolutely fine for her not to worry about me, but my focus is split 50/50 between the two of them and my wife doesn't like it when I focus on her.

The little one has had some vomiting problems (I don't think anything too serious, GP has okayed her), but my wife is becoming really inward when she gets worried. Doesn't want me to touch her (arm around her, etc), just says "worry about her, not me".

I'm really struggling to convince her that I can't simply stop caring about her because the baby is crying or throwing up. It's really upsetting me personally but I don't want to put that on her plate along with everything else.

When the baby is happy, my wife is too. Smiling, playing with her, and her old self, but as soon as she worries, it's just night and day. I know her hormones are going nuts and I feel selfish even worrying about it, but I love my wife AND daughter and I don't know what to do :(

I didn’t actually leave the house for about 7 weeks after my first who was high needs (and difficulty breast feeding and a difficult birth) looking back I can now see how traumatised I was but when you are in it it is consuming.

Time and patience. The weight gain is very reassuring in the face of vomiting but it can take a long time to be completely reassured that the vomiting is completely benign. It is more work- stripping Moses baskets and changing the baby and yourself in the middle of the night etc. My first had reflux and the faffing with gaviscon at all hours and whilst out and about took a while to cope with.

6 weeks is nothing just keep helping in whatever way you can.

My DS is 15 months now but I still remember the early days very well. He was formula fed but even then I remember feeling touched out. Everything weighed on my mind. I even freaked out when my DH's work sent us a lovely bunch of flowers. I remember saying over and over again, why have they sent us flowers. What am I supposed to do with flowers. It's just one more thing for me to look after. Even though my DH took on the bulk of the housework, I still felt accountable for everything. I couldn't even think straight to make a decision. I would freak out if my DH asked for my opinion on anything, I just couldn't cope with the pressure of having to decide anything, it was all too much. I hope this gives you an insight into how your DW is feeling. I strongly suggest ringing your HV and telling her that you are very worried about your DW's mental health. Hopefully that will get the ball rolling in getting your DW some help. Keep doing the housework, make the decisions for her. I know you want to let her have her say but believe me, it's just added pressure! Keep listening, do things without asking. Offer to have the baby so she can go out for a walk herself, or take the baby for a walk when you get in from work so she can have half an hour to herself. I promise though it does get better.

@dadindifficulty you sound like you’re being an amazing hubby and really care for your wife
As others have said, she (and you) are going through a life changing period and what she’s saying/ doing sounds pretty normal if perhaps a little on the stressed side. Just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll come right. I don’t think I started to look after me again until the 3-4 month mark

Thank you everyone, this has been really nice to read. I'm sure I am annoying her at times, I'm trying to be aware and present without being overbearing but I think like all of us I get it wrong some time.

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job by taking care of the house, food etc. Keep that up. Ask her occasionally if she needs anything. Take them both out for a stroll. Ask her when she would like you to take the baby so she can sleep for a couple of hours.
She doesn't want touch so use words to reassure her. Tell her you're immensely proud of her. Tell her she's the most amazing mum you've ever seen. Tell her she's doing brilliantly. Tell her everything will be ok.

I found it hard work when DH asked me to tell him what to do if the baby cried or at any point really. I didn’t like being the only one making decisions ‘the only grown up’ as it were. But also if he had done something without checking I would not be happy about that either.
Some days he just couldn’t win.
And a cuppa and a sweet treat was worth more than you would know.

It sounds like you are doing the right things, between feeds in the evening, suggest she has a bath or both of you put the baby in the pushchair and take a walk. My husband would walk up and down with ours as they were super restless in the evenings. But it's early days, another week or two and things may get easier for her, however do monitor the situation and contact your dr/he if you are worried about pnd

You sound like an amazingly caring partner. It is very early days & exhaustion does affect everything. The overwhelming love for your precious newborn can be all encompassing too. I had post natal depression after my 1st baby, as I was overwhelmed with the love & worry. With my 3rd baby I enjoyed the joy of the baby that I imagined I would with my 1st. This phase will pass & your wife will back, although never quite them same. Be gentle & patient with her, as it sounds like you are.

i feel like she has some anxiety issues?
i may be wrong since everyone has different experiences. my little one had colic, i struggled with breastfeeding, he was always ill, then developed food allergies (still has them) - and i was always worried but still happy and high on oxytoxin.

like others i think all you can do is show support in terms of helping round the house, make her cuppa, listen to her concerns. You are not so worried but she is, and i think showing you are may help.

Do you think that by focusing on her she thinks you’re implying she’s not coping? Good intention can often be taken the wrong way. Likewise with touching, even if you don’t intend it to lead somewhere in her head she thinks you intend it to. I get this, I can’t do “just a cuddle” because it’s never just a cuddle then I get made to feel guilty for not wanting more when I was clear in the first place. I’d say keep doing the practical stuff, it’s very hard to get right but it does get better

I think it's possible she wants you to worry about the baby more. She doesn't want you to focus your attention on her because she feels as if she's carrying all the weight of worrying about the baby, and she wants you to take on some of that?

Do you assume she's got it covered, and if there was anything to worry about, she would pick up on it? She's working it out as she goes, and on very little sleep. She's had to figure out the feeding issues, and now she's got to try and figure out a vomiting issue. Is it possible she feels as if you've dismissed it as 'not serious' and left it for her to deal with?

(Not saying you have, but it sounds as if the vomiting might be a source of additional stress for her...)

just says "worry about her, not me"

Your wife is actually being very clear about what she needs. You trying to give her help in a different way (hugs etc) is likely to be annoying because it's not what she's said she needs.

@LannieDuck, that's very true but I'm really struggling to respect it. I feel awful about that, believe me!

@dadindifficulty you sound absolutely wonderful!

Ok, but why ask on here how to help her, if she's already told you how you can help her?

I'm sure at that stage no one could do anything right. I certainly agree with the previous posters about being touched. I would also speak to the hv. My dh did and at my 8 week check up she did a pnd assessment, I didn't have it but scored enough that they kept me on the radar and when pnd did hit me they could intervene and give me the support. I also completely get the wanting to be the one to soothe the baby but hating dh stood by being useless. I'm sure you are not, you don't sound it. This will get easier for her. One of the best things my dh did was before he went to work, after the baby had been fed there was a small window of time where she was content. He took her then and let me have a bath. I knew no matter what the day threw at me, I had half an hour of me time, where i didn't need to worry about the baby because I knew that was the content period and her dad had her and I was clean and ready for the day.
Are there any sure start centres? These were a godsend for me to help meet other mums and just get me out of the house.