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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me stop being angry about this

47 replies

Movinghouseatlast · 04/05/2019 18:56

We moved house recently. I suggested we use a packing service and a proper removals. My husband just wouldn't accept that it would only be £300 extra to pack and wanted to save money by using Any van who had to do two trips.

His argument was that he wasn't working and would pack himself and it would save £300.

I was working away abroad so he always knew he would be on his own. He got into a total fix with the packing and in the end had to leave loads of stuff behind in our old shed as the van was too small.

None of the boxes are labelled properly- some not at all.

The worst thing is he has lost a tap that was brand new and cost £300. It was a posh designer one reduced from £750 which I had coveted for years. He says he just can't remember what happened to it, has no recollection of packing it, no idea where it can be. But I mustn't be cross because he didn't lose it on purpose and I am wrong to be angry.

I am just so bloody furious that a valuble item has just disappeared and I can't get over it. I'm just seething and feeling really upset.

He has hired a van this weekend to get the stuff from the shed (tap isn't in the shed) and has put a huge scratch down the side of the van.

He gets so defensive about the tap saying he was stressed and under pressure.

Relevant background is that 7 years ago his business went bust with huge debts. We had to use our life savings to pay off the debts. I then supported us as he couldn't get a job.

I suppose I just feel I am expected to just accept these things and carry on. With the business I had to because what choice did I have? I suppose I just have to accept the tap is gone too and just buy another.

But my anger about the tap and the scratch on the van just seems so all consuming at the moment. I just think he has been a total knob really. This move will end up costing more- certainly in emotional terms- than it should.

I just want to know how to stop feeling like this. Thanks all.

OP posts:

GroggyLegs · 04/05/2019 19:05

He has been a total nob. You're not wrong to be thoroughly pissed off, particularly as you offered a solution & he insisted he knew better.

You'd probably feel a lot better if he apologised & acknowledged he was a dick.

The only thing I can suggest is reminding yourself frequently it's only an object (both the tap & van) nobody is hurt or ill or dead.

Is he a good man, or is this yet another thing in a marriage of things?

OhioOhioOhio · 04/05/2019 19:08

Yeah

What grog said.

Original poster

Movinghouseatlast · 04/05/2019 19:12

He is a good man, very much so.

The only issue is that every time he makes a mistake like this he hates it if I am.upaet or angry because he" didn't do it on purpose". He gets very defensive and it winds me up immeasurably!

OP posts:

DogHairEverywhere · 04/05/2019 19:12

I'd be bloody furious too, but Grog speaks wise words.
Maybe next time something like this crops up, stand your ground more.

RandomMess · 04/05/2019 19:53

Has he actually apologised?

SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 19:56

It would have been cheaper to pay packers. You wouldn't have lost the tap or had to pay for the scratched van. New plan needed.

Fatted · 04/05/2019 19:57

You both need to address the elephant in the room about his business. You sound like you still have a lot of unresolved feelings about that and he probably does as well, blaming himself etc.

MaverickSnoopy · 04/05/2019 20:22

I think that an apology and him understanding that's it's more about his flippancy about the situation is what matters here. If he was remorseful I can imagine it would be easier, yet still frustrating, to deal with.

7yo7yo · 04/05/2019 20:31

You must feel like your always bailing him out.

Original poster

Movinghouseatlast · 04/05/2019 21:01

Yes, I feel I'm always bailing him out. I love him, so try not to make him feel I am.

It was awful when his business went. It wasn't really his fault, but he did make some mistakes.

I think he thinks that he has made up for what we lost. He cashed in his pension a few years ago and we invested in property for a new business. So on the face of it we are 'back' and of course there are millions worse off. But the fact remains that we lost nearly £80k. If we had that money now we would be laughing.

I still work and it is a slog as I travel 6-8 hours there and back (so 12-16 hours in all) and don't particularly enjoy it.

OP posts:

stanski · 04/05/2019 21:08

You travel 6-8 hours a day?!

Original poster

Movinghouseatlast · 04/05/2019 22:10

Usually the travel is over 2 days, with a day working in between. I work abroad.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 05/05/2019 00:52

Sorry. I think he's taking the piss.

NobodysChild · 05/05/2019 01:16

His incompetence in everything would piss me off no end.
Your anger is justified and he needs to grow up and start being responsible for his actions. He's not oblivious to how upset he makes you, he just doesn't care and why should he? I think you know all this already and that's why you get angry because you know nothing ever changes. It will change though, when YOU, make it happen.

LordNibbler · 05/05/2019 01:51

He seems to make a lot of bad decisions, and you seem to allow him to and then pick up the broken pieces. He doesn't seem to really care that he upsets you, just that he gets his own way. But worse than all this, he can't own his mistakes and he makes YOU feel bad for being annoyed. I couldn't live like this, it must be as stressful as hell.

Palaver1 · 05/05/2019 03:29

I applaud you for trusting him to do that task.I would never have.Find a quite time when your up to it and tell him exactly what’s his done and how you feel about it.

hellodarkness · 05/05/2019 04:30

Well the van/tap situation is a gift really because from now until the end of time, whenever he thinks he knows best, you can remind him of it, as an example of his poor decision making skills and organisation.

Cherryberrypie · 05/05/2019 04:33

Oh this sounds so familiar.

We have moved house 3 times in 4 years.

Every time we move we lose stuff, just when I give up hope, we find it in the bottom of a box that I am sure we’ve checked 3 times at least.

It is so frustrating and stressful.

Don’t buy a new tap yet, I know you think it’s not in the shed but wait until everything is collected and you may well find it.

The alternative is, your DP through it away, gave it away or somebody took it. I would bet it’s none of the above so that means it’s still there but you just haven’t found it yet.

Good luck and don’t let it spoil your first few days in your new house.

MajesticWhine · 05/05/2019 04:46

I think you might feel less angry if he takes responsibility and says yes it was my fault and I'm sorry and I'll try to put it right. If he's not doing these things and just being defensive then of course you are angry, justifiably so. Don't bottle it up - sometimes a good honest row is the best way to deal with how you feel.

Namaste6 · 05/05/2019 05:13

OP, a previous poster is correct; you're harbouring resentment (whether rightly or wrongly) from the business failing and need to address that. You've said that you're essentially 'back'. If that's the case then let the tap, van and the missing boxes go. You won't think about a £300 tap when you're on your deathbed.

pissedonatrain · 05/05/2019 05:59

He does sound irresponsible.

Does he work now?

Is there a reason you don't live in the country you work in?

It just seems a lot of unnecessary stress and burden on you.

FuriousVexation · 05/05/2019 06:15

"You won't think about a £300 tap when you're on your deathbed."

I bloody well would do! £300! On a tap! And he lost it!

OP I would approach this the same way you'd approach one of your direct reports at work who had majorly fucked up a project (moving house) and caused a financial loss to the company (your family.)

Obviously you're not his line manager, but you should be equal partners and that means he's accountable for his fuck ups - he can't just say "Oh I didn't mean to"! He's not 10!

My main point would be, "What actions have you already taken to stop this ever happening again?" Then just sit and wait for his reply. When he starts burbling on about it not being his fault, just return him to the question. When he finally says "Well none" then you're into "Why not?" territory.

But all of this means accepting that he's a manchild who will never grow up, never look after himself, never look after you, never not need micro managing... it sounds exhausting.

Decormad38 · 05/05/2019 06:36

He sounds like he doesn’t take advice well. No wonder the business went down the pan. Pride before a fall they say. Poor you.

iMatter · 05/05/2019 06:39

I agree with Furious. He sounds like a manchild.

He also sounds incompetent and incapable of taking responsibility for his fuck ups.

I would find this really hard - I need to be in a relationship with an equal partner. I'm not surprised you're so angry.

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 06:40

As a one off this is annoying but something you could get past.
But this doesn’t seem a one off

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