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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me stop being angry about this

47 replies

Movinghouseatlast · 04/05/2019 18:56

We moved house recently. I suggested we use a packing service and a proper removals. My husband just wouldn't accept that it would only be £300 extra to pack and wanted to save money by using Any van who had to do two trips.

His argument was that he wasn't working and would pack himself and it would save £300.

I was working away abroad so he always knew he would be on his own. He got into a total fix with the packing and in the end had to leave loads of stuff behind in our old shed as the van was too small.

None of the boxes are labelled properly- some not at all.

The worst thing is he has lost a tap that was brand new and cost £300. It was a posh designer one reduced from £750 which I had coveted for years. He says he just can't remember what happened to it, has no recollection of packing it, no idea where it can be. But I mustn't be cross because he didn't lose it on purpose and I am wrong to be angry.

I am just so bloody furious that a valuble item has just disappeared and I can't get over it. I'm just seething and feeling really upset.

He has hired a van this weekend to get the stuff from the shed (tap isn't in the shed) and has put a huge scratch down the side of the van.

He gets so defensive about the tap saying he was stressed and under pressure.

Relevant background is that 7 years ago his business went bust with huge debts. We had to use our life savings to pay off the debts. I then supported us as he couldn't get a job.

I suppose I just feel I am expected to just accept these things and carry on. With the business I had to because what choice did I have? I suppose I just have to accept the tap is gone too and just buy another.

But my anger about the tap and the scratch on the van just seems so all consuming at the moment. I just think he has been a total knob really. This move will end up costing more- certainly in emotional terms- than it should.

I just want to know how to stop feeling like this. Thanks all.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/05/2019 06:45

You didn’t “have to” bail him out with the business. You didn’t have to agree to him reinvesting in a property business. You didn’t have to agree to him doing the packing. You always have choices.

He has indeed messed up badly with the move, and not properly acknowledged it. The tap is crap, the van damage and labelling thing even worse IMO!

Do you think his new venture will succeed? Is it a FT job, if so what is he currently earning? If not FT, or not earning much, does he also have a job, and if not why not?

You could discuss the issues in couples counselling.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 05/05/2019 06:45

I really sympathise. Your DH sounds a bit like mine - he doesn’t do it on purpose, and I know that, and getting angry with him makes ME feel bad, because I know he’s angry with himself too. No advice really, just solidarity. Mine is also a very good man, and I try to put that front and centre.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2019 07:03

"I didn't do in on purpose" sounds like a Whitney excuse a 10 yo would give, not a responsible adult.

Being a "good person" really has FA to do with it when the person is inept and incompetent. No matter how "good";they are if they can't recognise that £300 for a pack is a really good investment in terms time and effort saved, then that sort of stubbornness would be dealbreaker to me. Esp as the removal company will hold insurance for loss or breakages so had you made an inventory list of your valuables you would have been able to recoup the "tap money".

daisychain01 · 05/05/2019 07:04

sorry for the autocorrect whiney not Whitney

SaltSpoon · 05/05/2019 07:05

Wow. What do marriage vows mean to some of you folks? Talking about walking away over this?!

Meandwinealone · 05/05/2019 07:09

@SaltSpoon
not one person has said LTB or walking away.
Many people have said they couldn’t live like this. Totally different.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2019 07:10

These professional packers are amazing - they can pack the entire contents of a 4 bedroom house in less than a day, everything labelled up and breakables wrapped individually in tissue paper in sealed cartons, mobile wardrobes so clothes stay uncreased, the works! They are worth their weight in gold.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/05/2019 07:15

My DH used to get defensive and say "Well I didn't do it on PURPOSE".

My response was always "I know that. THIS is the level of angry I get when an UNINTENTIONAL mock-up occurs. If I thought you'd MEANT to do whatever it was then I would be fucking INCANDESCENT!!!!" I would then go into an explanation of how I was more angry at the lack of planning and foresight that had allowed the fuck-up to happen than the fuck-up itself.

He has stopped saying it and to be fair, has started making more of an effort to actually plan in a logical fashion.

daisychain01 · 05/05/2019 07:16

Talking about walking away over this?!

No, more like I couldn't put up with someone like that to start with!

Maybe search for the long running thread on here about incompetent DPs/DHs and you'll realise how it can completely erode your sanity and self respect having to live with and put up with someone who drags you down and reduces your life chances because of their crap decisions and behaviours.

Stoicism towards someone who is inept while you're slogging away doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship is not a virtue!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 05/05/2019 07:16

Fuck-up, not mock-up

daisychain01 · 05/05/2019 07:19

There was me thinking you meant cock-up Contessals actually FU is an even better description by the sounds of it

Mumofone1593 · 05/05/2019 07:26

People need the understand you can't turn your feelings off just because they are sorry. 'dh this isn't the first time you have ignored my advice and we have ended up out of pocket, I accept your apology but what you have done really upset me and when I have been working so hard, to lose something I really wanted is rather heartbreaking, especially as it could have been avoided if you listened to my opinion on a moving van'.

Send him a text like that. I think sometimes a text is better as you can say exactly what you mean and he can mull over it and think about it rather than feel confronted in a argument and go straight to being defensive?

Hope you work it out if you want to, but he does sound selfish.

AlwaysCheddar · 05/05/2019 07:31

He’s not working after 7 years!!! Why? He needs to try and have done pension seeing as he cashed it in.

ChristmasFluff · 05/05/2019 08:38

I can think of one relationship I walked away from due to a perfectly nice man being incompetent. And many ones that didn't get started due to the same.

It is SO wearing when you are the competent one, because even if you decide to make all the decisions, because of how they always mess up, you are left being the one who makes all the decisions.

A relationship with an incompetent man means carrying dead weight.

ALovingSpirit · 05/05/2019 08:41

Life contains suffering

Suffering comes from cravings

The way to liberate yourself from suffering is to eliminate all cravings and desire

Whilst you can come up with a plan to dump partner, call him a man child etc it will not liberate you or cease the cravings in your life that causes your suffering.

The tap is not a permanent feature of the universe. Everything is subject to change. It became into being, it becomes dull over time, it is attached to something else, it breaks, it is lost.

By fixating on this craving you are causing yourself suffering. You are looking for a point in time when something happened, hoping to remove that thinking it will stop your craving and release your suffering.

However that point in time, or cause, is a mirage. Due to impermanence it doesn’t exist. Your partner didn’t loose the tap at a specific point, a lot of change occurred to get there. You had to make the decision to move, he had to make decisions on that move, the decisions you made were based on your life experiences, your life experiences were strongly influenced by your parents. Thus to pick a point in time to decide a fault occured is a mirage. As everything changes, the point does not exist. You can never find it. It’s a sum of change and continues to change. Only by moving on psychologically from this fixation, and craving can you liberate yourself from suffering.

The thread does confirm to me. Whilst the human race has made tremendous strides in technology over the millennia, the improvements to our mental well being are virtually non existent. Such disharmony, and reinforcement from others that comes from a tap shows how far we are from finding true enlightenment, We have barely moved on from stone people who lived in caves.

Hence why the world continues to have so much suffering in it, and for all of the wealth in the west, it’s people continue to be unhappy.

Bananalanacake · 05/05/2019 08:44

maybe he isn't working as he's doing all the child care.

ConfCall · 05/05/2019 08:49

Why isn’t he working? Is he a SAHD?

MacrosomicMumma · 05/05/2019 08:49

I have a husband who's memory and organisational skills drive me NUTS (he has loads of other amazing traits that make up for it though!). I'd have booked the packers and not given him a choice as I would have known something like this would happen.

Maybe you are a bit angry at yourself for knowing this was a possible outcome but not putting your foot down about the packers?

As others have said, you have choices.....

Original poster

Movinghouseatlast · 05/05/2019 10:23

He didn't work for 4 years- he couldn't get a job at the level he was at. Then he set up.another business with a friend that they worked really hard at but it failed.

I gave him an ultimatum to get a job any job and he did minimum wage jobs for 3 years. That is kind of why we moved as it was soul destroying at his age (late 50's)

It was soul destroying for me too, as he worked very long hours for not much money. I felt that at our age we should be enjoying the fruits of the hard labour we have done over the years.

We have got a small tourist related business now which we run together and he runs alone when I'm away. This is what the cashed in pension bought.

We have moved and realised all the equity in our house, but have a much bigger house. So we are much better off for moving, as well as it being a fresh start.

OP posts:

maryberryslayers · 05/05/2019 11:13

The 'I didn't do it on purpose' line is a favourite of my DH. It's frustrating, they are not 5, it doesn't wash.

However I will say, to ease your anger slightly, we did pay for pack and movers.
They damaged a lot of my furniture, nothing was labelled, random things chucked in together, and were 4 hours late arriving. At 37 weeks pregnant I had to plead with them to build our bed ( which was part of the service we had payed for) at 11:30 pm, so I didn't have to sleep on the mattress on the floor. Then they wouldn't accept a claim on their insurance for the damage. I'd never use packers again.

Bubblegumgal · 05/05/2019 19:07

I once had a packing service who put a full kettle into a box of other electronics. Everything got ruined. Then found out they didn’t have insurance (lesson learned here to check beforehand) and we just had to let it go in the end. I know this doesn’t help your situation OP but sometimes shit just happens.

MrsBobDylan · 05/05/2019 19:18

Yes, it's annoying but it's done. When we moved recently it was £300 for the packing service but much more for the main moving service, so you have likely still saved money. Plus, packing stuff into boxes, into a van and out again into a new house is gruelling. Your dh has done really well to achieve that.

The tap will probably turn up. And if it doesn't it's still only a tap, even if it is a pretentious one

The 80k you both lost 7 years ago is gone, nothing is going to bring it back. This is a new start for you both and it would be such a shame to let a lost tap and unlabelled boxes open old wounds.

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