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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would he tell me this?

43 replies

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 14:13

NC as I don’t want this thread to be linked to my posting history.

Started dating a man a few months ago. Felt like it was really going somewhere. We were both smitten with each other.

However we were in bed the other night when he said that he loved how much we had in common because all he had with his ex was mind blowing sex but nothing else.

I was taken aback but stayed calm and quizzed him a bit as I wanted to know what he meant and where he was going with this.

Turns out he had “mind blowing sex” with his ex but now he values the intimacy and what he and I have over that.

WTF would he say something so fucking thoughtless and self serving? Am I supposed to be grateful that we having loving but not mind blowing sex?

I was so pissed off that I haven’t returned his calls although I’ve responded to his texts with polite brush offs.

OP posts:

RubberTreePlant · 04/05/2019 14:14

He sounds like an idiot.

RubberTreePlant · 04/05/2019 14:15

Possible attempt at negging?

Traveler001 · 04/05/2019 14:16

Yep, I agree, he’s an idiot and he’s trying to neg you - making you grateful he’s given up ‘mind blowing’ sex to be with you so you’ll behave how he wants you to/have sex with him more to try and blow his mind etc etc

kbPOW · 04/05/2019 14:16

Tell him that you're surprised how you've got used to his tiny little penis because your ex's was huge in comparison. Then see if he gets the idea. I think what he said to you is heading into red flag territory.

RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 14:16

Sounds like he’s negging you. Everyone knows you don’t compare your partner to your ex in bed unless favourably . What a dick. He’s just trying to keep you on your toes.

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2019 14:17

Yeah crap

It's like saying 'you aren't a deamon between the sheets but I like your company'

I'd have just wistfully stared, looked sad and said.... 'yes it's a while since I've had that kind of mind blowing sex too'

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 14:17

Maybe he was negging. He was very contrite when he realised I was upset though.

OP posts:

FriarTuck · 04/05/2019 14:18

He's not saying that you don't have great sex though. He's saying that you're more than just a good shag. Isn't that a good thing?! Surely you want someone who likes you for you rather than someone who likes you because you tell him he's the best ever in bed and give him an orgasm (and who fakes it well)?
Still, if you're the type to take offence that easily he may be better off...

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 14:18

And has said how much he regrets saying it and begging me to give him another chance.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 14:21

You could be right @FriarTuck

But maybe I’m also better off without someone who would say something so thoughtless

OP posts:

NCWhatisthis · 04/05/2019 14:24

If you give him that 2nd chance you passed the test. He's then knows you are abusable and will ramp up the abuse and add new bits into the mix.

This is how abusers find a victim. They do/say stuff like this and the one who doesn't dump them for it is "the one"...who they'll dump on.

Don't be his "the one" to dump on.

AfterSchoolWorry · 04/05/2019 14:29

I'd break up with him.

That's a dumpable offense right there.

yorkshirepud44 · 04/05/2019 14:34

I could imagine Dp coming out with this kind of brain blurt and intending it as a compliment. He's not remotely abusive, just occasionally engages his mouth before his brain.

If there aren't any other red flags, he recognises just why it was a twatty thing to say and all else is good, I'd park it and move on. If relationships fell apart after a single thoughtless comment, there wouldn't be many of us in them.

NoBaggyPants · 04/05/2019 14:35

He's saying you're more than good sex. Intimacy is much bigger than a fuck, however good that fuck is.

But in MN world every man is an abuser and someone will tell you that you must sign up for the WA freedom course so you don't fall victim again in future.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/05/2019 14:39

i would consider dumping him.

tell him youre looking for a partner to have mind blowingsex with.

Spinnaret · 04/05/2019 14:39

What FriarTuck said. Your relationship is about more than sex, which is all he had with the ex. Not that the sex with you isn't great.

How this is abusive is beyond me.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 04/05/2019 14:39

I think you are over reacting.

I have exs like that. Just great sex. With dp the sex is great sex and we get on and have a special bond are very close. That makes the sex better. It sounds like thats what he was saying.

I don't think this is negging and me and dp are quite open about past relationships. Maybe he is too. If it doesnt suit you, it doesnt. That's fine.

But I dont think it's a red flag on it's own.

BlokeHereInPeace · 04/05/2019 14:43

It sounds like a misplaced compliment. Horribly, terribly misplaced, yes, but meant as a compliment. It's up to you if you accept his apology.

Kennehora · 04/05/2019 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 04/05/2019 14:46

Even if it was just thoughtless, and he’s genuinely contrite...it’s going to be very awkward next time, isn’t it?

Talk about a mood-killer.

HeckyPeck · 04/05/2019 14:47

He didn’t say he had more than just good sex with the OP though. If he’d said that that would be ok. What he actually said was that he had mind blowing sex with his ex.

Dick move by him.

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 14:50

Exactly @TheStoic

How on Earth do you come back from something like that? Especially when it’s so early on in a relationship? It’s not like we know each other well enough to not get hung up about sex with an ex. We don’t have “mind blowing sex”. It’s nice but he is a bit selfish in bed. Hasn’t yet managed to make me orgasm yet. (Sorry tmi). If sex isn’t setting the sheets alight at this early stage then telling me about the earth shattering sex he had with an ex is hardly going to help is it!

OP posts:

RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 14:52

I’m fairness my DP said early on that he’d initially been looking for someone “hot as fuck to make the ex jealous” when we met, but that what he had with me was more important than that, as I had many qualities he hadn’t even realised he wanted in a girlfriend. I know he meant it as a compliment but I didn’t take it as one!

I used to take it to heart, but really it says more about his shallowness than my hotness, so I’m over it. He’s quite embarrassed about how he was back then, and rightly so.

However, that comment was a good indicator of some our most fundamental difference in outlook - his ego, need to impress others, vanity, his lack of boundaries with ex etc all encompassed in the one comment.

If this is the only example so far, I’d probably let it slide but I’d definitely be on the lookout for other pointers that he’s comparing you unfavourably in any way.

He does sound sorry, but I’d be wary that if you “pass this test” he’ll see you as someone to take advantage of, so keep your wits about you!

FreshAprilStart · 04/05/2019 14:53

From your update, no no no.

Sounds like he's trying to say you not having mind blowing sex now isn't his fault as he's had success before (which I doubt).

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 04/05/2019 14:54

Come back from what?

That an adult has an ex who he had great sex with?

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