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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would he tell me this?

43 replies

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 14:13

NC as I don’t want this thread to be linked to my posting history.

Started dating a man a few months ago. Felt like it was really going somewhere. We were both smitten with each other.

However we were in bed the other night when he said that he loved how much we had in common because all he had with his ex was mind blowing sex but nothing else.

I was taken aback but stayed calm and quizzed him a bit as I wanted to know what he meant and where he was going with this.

Turns out he had “mind blowing sex” with his ex but now he values the intimacy and what he and I have over that.

WTF would he say something so fucking thoughtless and self serving? Am I supposed to be grateful that we having loving but not mind blowing sex?

I was so pissed off that I haven’t returned his calls although I’ve responded to his texts with polite brush offs.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/05/2019 14:55

Tell him it must have been his ex doing all the mind blowing hard work cos he's not skilled enough. then dump.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2019 14:56

I think it's possible that he was trying to express an aspect of your relationship that he feels is very positive and makes him happy, but ended up making a complete tit of himself. Is he normally loving and respectful? Have you noticed any other red flags? Only you can decide where to go from here, but I do believe this might have been an unfortunate misuse of wording.

NameChangeNugget · 04/05/2019 14:58

I agree with @NoBaggyPants

HeckyPeck · 04/05/2019 14:58

He’s also selfish in bed and has never made you orgasm?!

Move on from this one OP. Life’s too short for lame sex with a man who at best says hurtful things without thinking or at worst deliberately compares you unfavourable to an ex to cover up his own inadequacies. My monies on the latter btw

TeaForTheWin · 04/05/2019 15:01

Selfish in bed and a comment that seems as though it might have been aimed directly at your self esteem. Yeah, not looking good.

Also be a bit worried of people who act 'smitten' very early on. Not that it is always an act but it can be. Especially because certain types do it as part of love bombing. It could be that his little 'my gf was better than you' implication is the beginnings of the real him showing through.

I think it might be a dumpable offense tbh. I'd certainly be on my guard for other red flags after that that's for sure. I say, go with your gut but if you do take him back, make sure YOU know that that was his first and last strike for behaviour that is questionable at best.

RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 15:02

We don’t have “mind blowing sex”. It’s nice but he is a bit selfish in bed. Hasn’t yet managed to make me orgasm yet. (Sorry tmi). If sex isn’t setting the sheets alight at this early stage then telling me about the earth shattering sex he had with an ex is hardly going to help is it!

Sounds like he’s feeling defensive because he hasn’t made you come and wants you to know that it’s not his fault, it’s yours!

Sometimes it can take a while to get to know each other, but if he’s feeling the pressure because it’s not as good for you as it was for ex, he needs to work harder to figure out what does it for you, not tell you he used to be great in bed before!

If he’s trying and it’s not working that’s one thing, but when you say he’s selfish that rings alarm bells - does he just not care about your pleasure - sees it as a fortunate side-effect of his? Does he ask what you want or need? Or is he just impatient and knows what to do, but can’t be arsed to put in the man hours?!

FWIW my DP says he was shit in bed before me, was v selfish and never even thought about how to make it good for anyone else. When he first made me orgasm I told him it wouldn’t be like that every time so don’t feel too disappointed if it doesn’t happen next time. Turns out I was wrong - it’s totally like that every time for 7 years . Nobody is more surprised than him! I think some people just hit it off like that straight away and for others it’s more of a learning curve. Maybe he’s expecting the instant fireworks but for you it will take some time to trust him enough to fully relax.

It may be that you’re not sexually compatible or maybe you just need more time, but the one thing guaranteed to kill your pleasure is feeling like you’re being measured up against his hot and horny ex.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 04/05/2019 15:03

It’s nice but he is a bit selfish in bed. Hasn’t yet managed to make me orgasm yet. (Sorry tmi). If sex isn’t setting the sheets alight at this early stage then telling me about the earth shattering sex he had with an ex is hardly going to help is it!

Sorry missed that bit. So sex is shit for you? Does he know this?

Yeah, changed my mind, possible that he knows sex isnt great and instead of trying to make it better he is trying to say 'yeah I know I am not doing for you but it's ok because we have a better connection'.

Ohyesiam · 04/05/2019 15:06

He didn’t say you didn’t have great sex, just that that is all he had with his ex. He could have been saying he has the whole package with you.

I can see Joe it upset you though, which is why comparison is odious.

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 15:11

@RagingWhoreBag

I think you might be into something. I get the feeling that his ex made him feel like a sex god, who knows if she genuinely thought that but it’s how she made him feel.

As far I can decipher, she enjoyed the lifestyle he was able to provide and maybe that was a turn on for her. Or maybe they were genuinely sexually compatible.

Our relationship is very different in that I am his equal (and more) career wise and I don’t need his money to have a perfectly comfortable life financially.

I get the feeling that whatever he did worked for her. Whereas I need him to tube in to my body and desires which he’s not used to.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 15:11

Tune not tube!

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/05/2019 15:12

I agree with PPs, coupled with your further post OP I'd say he was negging you and would be suspicious that this is a precursor to lining you up for some dodgy shit (that's demeaning to you) he's seen from porn.

RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 15:17

I get the feeling that whatever he did worked for her. Whereas I need him to tune in to my body and desires which he’s not used to.

Generally, or just with him?

RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 15:19

Sorry that’s not very clear! As in, do you have an issue tuning into your own body generally or just with him? It might be that you both just got used to other people’s way of doing things and need to learn from each other, but that means he needs to leave his ego at the bedroom door.

Original poster

WhyWouldHeSayThis · 04/05/2019 15:23

No issues with tuning into my own body!

I’ve had “mind blowing sex” with exes too so it’s not an ego thing. Just that I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling him that! Especially when things are still supposed to be in honeymoon stage.

If it makes a difference, his ex is a lot younger than him. We’re both late thirties whereas she is 25.

OP posts:

Rainbowshine · 04/05/2019 16:00

My thoughts are along the lines of ecumenicalmatter that the “mind blowing sex” was more like porn and in his mind the ex was willing and he expects you to go along with it too. He’s negging you into feeling somehow “lesser” so that he thinks you’re more likely to agree to do something beyond what you’ve done so far. What a loser.

FuriousVexation · 04/05/2019 16:17

With what you've said, I agree with PPs that he might be setting you up to basically think "Well the sex is shit, but we have a connection so I should definitely stay, it would be shallow not to."

Another possibility is him asking you for something you don't want, say, anal, group sex, giving him anal, throwing custard at him dressed in a nurse's outfit, whatever, and if you won't go along with it he'll shake his head sadly and say "Well, I guess this is why I don't feel the sex is mind blowing."

I'd strongly suggest binning him off before you get more feelings involved.

ChristmasFluff · 04/05/2019 17:56

The thing that makes it stand out as 'negging' and ;points to him as a potential abuser is that he didn't say just 'sex', he had to put in 'mind-blowing' . And he did it in bed.

A non-abusive type would have said that all they had in common with their ex was sex, and they like the way their relationship with Why is about more than that. Over dinner.

He said it in bed because he wanted to dent Why's sexual self-esteem. The reasons why are not relevant - the fact he did it means that as a previous poster says, if he gets a second chance, he'll see that as a green light for more of the same.

This stuff will slowly eat away at you OP. I'd dump him. Especially as he sounds like he's crap in bed - and yet still, somehow, you managed to not point his failings in that department, compared to some exes..... Like caring people always manage. You deserve a similarly caring partner. xxx

RLEOM · 04/05/2019 19:09

Albeit insensitive of him, it may have just been a thoughtless slip of the tongue. However, I know how much these type of comments could hurt and could be taken personally.

I think I'd be more worried as to why he felt the need to compare you to his ex. She didn't need to be mentioned at all. Does he ever bitch about her?

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