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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner said he hates me

35 replies

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 04/05/2019 14:13

We had a horrible argument last night and this morning, I slept on the couch. It was to do with his weed use and how I've 'moved the goalposts' since we've been together , namely that since he's pretty much moved in I have drawn boundaries.
It has happened slowly and with negotiation and I thought we were in a good place about it. When he wants to smoke he goes to his place and then sleeps it off. But he unexpectedly came over stoned the other night and though I thought I handled it ok he has been nursing a resentment about the whole topic which has now exploded.
This morning when the shouting (his) was over he said almost casually that he hates me. WTF? We were having a cuddle at the time!!
Oh and he said he strongly suggested I 'stop weeping'.

We been together about a year, have no kids together, I have my own grown up kids.
To avoid a drip feed I'd have to write a novel but essentially things had been really good lately and this has hit me hard.

Have you ever told someone you hate them like that? I haven't.

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 04/05/2019 14:16

How childish.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/05/2019 14:21

Why are you going out with a stoner if you don't want weed around you? It doesn't sound like he's got any intention of giving it up and it will only get more contentious as and when you're living together permanently. Telling him not to smoke in your home is one thing, when it's his home as well you'll have nothing to back you up.

PositiveVibez · 04/05/2019 14:23

Oh god. Fuck him off. You are perfectly entitled to not want a stoner in your home.

If he can't accept it, it's his problem. Not yours.

What are his good points?

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2019 14:26

Sod him. You don’t need someone who thinks weed is more important than you and who says hateful things.

LoveCatzzz · 04/05/2019 14:29

Ltb!

CantGetDecentNickname · 04/05/2019 14:29

Only ever exchanged words like that in the heat of an argument. Sounds like his need for weed is bigger than you thought and he may not be able to control it as well as you thought. He moved in with you by the sound of things so if he really hates you, he can move out. If he’s not going to apologise for saying that and making you cry whilst telling you to stop (probably because it was making him feel bad) then you would be sensible to tell him to go. His behaviour is selfish and to a certain extent, he appears to be using you. He is showing his true colours. Please don’t let him think you are a pushover. Good luck Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2019 14:32

You've wasted one year, don't waste another.

maras2 · 04/05/2019 14:34

You'll never be happy with a stoner.
Send him back to his own home and re negotiate when he stops smoking shit but be prepared for a long wait.
Good luck Flowers

NoCureForLove · 04/05/2019 14:36

He's a stoner. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He has told you he hates you. He has no empathy... what more exactly do you need to know?

Ratatatouille · 04/05/2019 14:38

You’ve been together a year. Just cut him loose. He obviously doesn’t want to stop smoking and you obviously don’t want that in your life so it can’t work, can it? Also, it’s absolutely not normal to tell your partner that you hate them or to “strongly suggest” that they “stop weeping”. How menacing does that sound?

If you don’t get rid, you’ll be in the exact same situation in 5 years wondering why the fuck your didn’t send him on his way when you were only a year into it.

Original poster
MostIneptThatEverStepped · 04/05/2019 14:40

I very much appreciate your responses, thank you so much.
There's some solid advice there.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 04/05/2019 14:41

He’s not the right person for you. You will not be happy in this relationship. Instead of hoping he will change, take him for how he is I.e. a stoner.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2019 14:59

Op, can you honestly say there's hope for a relationship when one of the parties involved tells the other they HATE them? I have been with my husband a very long time, and we have never once said something so hateful or called each other names. It's unacceptable. Raise the bar, op.

Deathraystare · 04/05/2019 15:01

Show him where the door is, suggest he goes through it and never comes back. Then , when you are ready to do so you can look around for a grown up to join you.

NameChangeNugget · 04/05/2019 15:01

You don’t sound suited

FurrySlipperBoots · 04/05/2019 15:03

He's a drug user who tells you he hates you? He sounds like a keeper! Or not...

WoollyMummoth · 04/05/2019 15:04

Don’t waste your affection on someone who can be so cruel.Get rid, you deserve better.

AsleepAllDay · 04/05/2019 15:22

If smoking weed is your hard boundary then you know in your heart that this relationship won't progress. Living together will be impossible because any 'compromise' will make both of you feel cheated.

Break up and let him smoke himself silly / find someone who enjoys the lifestyle. You will find someone who shares your attitude to drugs.

It's already past its expiry date if he's saying things like how he hates you. You really don't have to stay together. Let him go, you will feel happier

VeryQuaintIrene · 04/05/2019 15:23

Ditch the tedious pot-head and move on to someone nicer and more functional

Ohyesiam · 04/05/2019 15:25

Sound lie his main relationship is with weed.
Sorry op, unless he wants to he clean you will feel second best.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/05/2019 15:26

You’ve been together a year. Just cut him loose. He obviously doesn’t want to stop smoking and you obviously don’t want that in your life so it can’t work, can it? Also, it’s absolutely not normal to tell your partner that you hate them or to “strongly suggest” that they “stop weeping”. How menacing does that sound?

Run for the hills you are not compatible and he doesn’t sound nice

AsleepAllDay · 04/05/2019 15:27

Plenty of people live functional lives and smoke weed. Him being a stoner suggests that he's a heavy user/he's psychologically addicted.

OP you and him are just incompatible

Purpleartichoke · 04/05/2019 15:27

You are worth more than this.

He has his own place. Put his things in a box and make him hand over his key.

Bananalanacake · 04/05/2019 16:01

it's good you don't live together so you can easily never let him in your home again.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/05/2019 16:07

Get him out of your home, don’t waste another second of your life on him. What a loser.

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