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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could use a hand hold

25 replies

doverbluebird · 04/05/2019 12:54

Just reaching out....I feel so alone.

My DP finally left last night. It needed to happen but I am so upset.

I can't stop crying. I need to pull myself together by Monday when the dc's come home.

I haven't got anyone I can ring. I am so ashamed that I have let this happen. I haven't behaved well with paranoid accusations and awful words to him but he hurt me badly last night. My head hurts where he banged it on the floor, he bit me and drew blood, he throttled me and stamped on my foot. My toe is broken.

He hasn't even texted me to see if I am ok. 5 years means nothing. All I want to go is text him because I can't believe I won't see him again.

I know that's not right.

Please distract me. I don't know what to do.

I can't go out of the house because anyone looking at me will know what's happened. Plus my eyes are like golf balls from crying.

I am so sad but need to be ok for Monday

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 13:03

Oh you poor love. He bit you and broke your toe and you still think you love him?! You have some serious issues with codependency and/or Stockholm syndrome. (I speak from experience - I have been pushed, bitten, strangled by an ex.)

Please go to the police/hospital and get checked out - the head injury could be something serious. I know you don’t want to get him into trouble but he’s a dangerous man and even more so now that you’ve taken away his power by ending things.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? If not please contact Women’s Aid.

I know you don’t want anyone to know, but (from experience) the real reason for that is probably because you want it all to blow over and for him to come back. Sad

Can you frame it in your mind that by shining a light on this behaviour you will also be helping him? He needs to be held accountable or he might end up killing someone. Possibly you.

I know you don’t need anyone pushing you into doing anything right now, but please don’t allow his behaviour to go unchallenged. He’s a nasty vicious piece of work. FlowersBrewCake

JuniFora · 04/05/2019 13:04

He beat you up! Call the police. If the neighbours know when they see you, all the better. You may find that they're very supportive. Make sure that people know so that you can get the support you need.

Don't let that man near you again. He'll do it again if you give him a second chance. It'll just escalate from here.

It's lucky your children weren't home to witness it, you don't know what he might do next. What if one of them tried to intervene to help you? They'd be at risk too.

Shouldbedoing · 04/05/2019 13:10

Oh dover, that's criminal behaviour. He could have killed you. You really need to report this to the police. He's not worthy of you. Flowers, hugs, cake etc Do you have anyone to keep you company in real life?

Smilemumof2 · 04/05/2019 13:12

Oh darling! Him leaving last night is 100% the right thing to happen.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work
Can you binge watch something to distract you xxx

Rainbowqueeen · 04/05/2019 13:14

Hand holding here
I can understand that you feel sad when thinking about the good times
But he is not a good man. Keeping him in your life could mean you lose your children.
Have a good cry, drink some sweet tea and try to eat. Would calling the Samaritan’s help??

Original poster
doverbluebird · 04/05/2019 13:16

Thing is, he chose to leave. I am so pathetic that I didn't even tell him to.

I thought about going to the hospital for my foot, but I was worried that if they put plaster on it I can't drive home.

I have no one to call. I haven't got any friends now.

Tried googling how to get over a break up but don't think I am at the new hair cut stage just yet. Googled the freedom Programme but I don't want to ring the number on the weekend, but am going to ring on Tuesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
doverbluebird · 04/05/2019 13:22

And I know it sounds bad but I am pretty good at gauging injuries by now. My head is ok, just a lump and small cut. Bites are superficial. Throat is swollen and sore, with my neck very bruised. That scared me the most. He meant it last night and I could have been dead.

I don't know how I am going to hide this at work in Tuesday- as the lump on my forehead is going I think my eye is bruising.

I am better out of this. I just need to distract myself and put my life back together somehow. Am so thankful I have my kids because I don't think I could do this otherwise.

I used to have loads of friends. They probably would talk to me if I rang but am too embarrassed to. I neglected them so much they stopped reaching out.

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 04/05/2019 13:29

Please seek medical help OP.

And everyone around you will already be aware of what you've been going through. Don't fool yourself. You've done nothing wrong, there is no shame. Just reach out and get the help you need Flowers

settmenu · 04/05/2019 13:30

Where are your children OP? Do they live with you?

Is the house yours? Or is it shared? Do you have the option of changing locks to keep him from returning.

I think you would be surprised at how accommodating and helpful the friends you talk about would be.

I hope you talk to someone in real life. What area are you in? It could be that someone can point you in the direction of some help. Women's aid will help.

No one on the internet can truly help you - but I hope these replies might push you to having your lightbulb moment.

If not for you - for your children. He could have killed you last night. They would be motherless. Perhaps next time they will be?

Thinking of you.

RagingWhoreBag · 04/05/2019 13:31

If you were my friend I would step the fuck up the minute you called me. Please don’t be embarrassed. Any friend worth the name will realise that this toxic relationship was probably why you stepped back and will happily be there for you.

Please take photos of your injuries. Even if you don’t feel like reporting it now, you may need evidence in future and will be glad you have them.

FWIW by reporting him you may find your strength because people’s reactions to his behaviour will confirm just how wrong this is. In your little bubble (where you tee confident at gauging how serious your injuries are, because this isn’t the first time is it?) this has become normal to you. It isn’t. Well, it is sadly all too common, but that doesn’t make it in any way acceptable.

kbPOW · 04/05/2019 13:31

Please get yourself checked out and consider reporting him OP x

Original poster
doverbluebird · 04/05/2019 13:38

It is my house. Money will be tight but I will manage. The dc's aren't his. So no need for any further contact at all.

Thank you for replying. It helps to distract me. What shall I do about work? I want to go in because my work friends are so nice but I am worried about the visible marks on my neck and head. I could ring in sick.

I will make a GP appointment. I used to be on anti depressants and anxiety pills. I stopped them some time ago but I think I may need all the help I can get this next few months

OP posts:
settmenu · 04/05/2019 13:41

Contact friends. They will want to help. If you've enough money please change the locks. And I would really think long and hard about calling the police.

How is your relationship with your manager at work? Could you speak with them?

No matter what you have said or done - you do not deserve what happened to you. It isn't ok. It isn't normal. It isn't right.

Are the children home with you now?

Original poster
doverbluebird · 04/05/2019 13:46

No, thankfully they are at their dad's

OP posts:
MancaroniCheese · 04/05/2019 13:48

Tell your work friends. Please don’t feel that you have to hide this, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. People will want to help and support you.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 04/05/2019 16:01

Hello OP

We're so sorry to hear what you've been through. It sounds absolutely awful. Flowers

We hope you don't mind, but we're pointing you in the direction of our webguide which has some links and info which you might find useful in the days ahead.

Drop us a line at [email protected] if you need further information.

MynameisJune · 04/05/2019 16:06

Please, please contact your friends and tell one of them what happened. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been I’m certain that they would help.

My mum is in an abusive relationship, we’ve tried so many times to get her to leave. We’ve rented her houses, driven 4.5hrs to collect her and her things. Yet she still lets him back. It breaks my heart that I can’t take my daughter to see her Grandma unless he isn’t there. I pray every day she comes to her senses and leaves.

You’ve done the hardest bit, he is gone. You absolutely can get through the next couple of months. And once the shock has worn off you’ll realise how much nicer life is without him.

TanMateix · 04/05/2019 16:23

OP, please ring the police, more so if he is the dad of your kids and he will have unsupervised contact with them (I know, not all people who are violent to their partners are violent to their kids, but you need to be able to use this as evidence in court if you ever need to protect them).

Other big advantage of ringing the police is that they are likely to put you in contact with victim support. This may result in a case worker been assigned to you to help you to stay in one piece while you heal. I know I thought it was unnecessary when things got bad with the exh BUT I found my case worker invaluable when it came to ensure DS and I were ok, she checked we were receiving all the help that we could, arranged for my boiler to be replaced for free when it packed up, kept an eye on me on the days I was at court and came once a week to talk about the issues, helping me learn how to spot potential abusive men earlier on, offered to get me into a refuge when she thought there were enough bad flags about the behaviour of the ex and almost signed me in the freedom programme.

I have to say OP, that whatever my ex did was NOTHING compared to what you are describing. You need help, because he has mistreated you enough for you to truly believe you love him when he is showing all the signs he can easily kill you. You will need quite a bit of counselling and support to recover from this.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 04/05/2019 16:51

Phone one of your friends. I suspect they will be delighted to hear he's left and be willing to support you.

If you don't feel strong enough to call the police now at least take photos of your injuries in case you want to report it later, and if you can get to the GP for support and to get checked over even better.

Stay strong. When your now ex comes crawling back, which he almost certainly will please don't let him, for your DC's sake.

Sexnotgender · 04/05/2019 16:53

Please go to the hospital Flowers

You’ve been assaulted and need checked over.

You’re so much better off without this thug in your life.

Hidingtonothing · 04/05/2019 18:53

Another vote for calling your friends, you need a big old blanket of support right now so pull everyone you think will come close and let them help you. As for work I would go if you want to and feel up to it, the shame is his, not yours.

Passtherioja · 04/05/2019 18:59

Please don't have him back-once they've done something like this they do it again x

Thehop · 04/05/2019 19:04

Please go to A&E and let them check you’re okay.

JaneEyre07 · 04/05/2019 19:38

OP I know this isn't a nice thought, but if you have a good relationship with your children's father, could you ask him to prepare them for the fact you're going to look a bit different when they come home......

They're going to be very shocked and upset to see you battered and bruised.

Amber0685 · 09/05/2019 15:34

Hey dover I hope you are ok.

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