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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex

76 replies

NeonQT · 04/05/2019 11:20

I’m just wondering for my own piece of mind if this is normal? I’m currently pregnant with my 5th child, and I’ve totally went off sex. It’s been 9 weeks since me and my partner done it and he’s getting frustrated.

I give in the other night and just let him get on with it so he’d shut up about it. He tries to touch my bits and rub Me ‘to get me in the mood’ aswell as put my hand on his parts. He literally begs for 5 minutes to do what he needs to do.

I’m also on antidepressants which has a effect on my sex drive and I just generally hate being touched right now but totally understand his frustration.

Is this normal after going a while without intimacy?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 05/05/2019 10:23

As he says all I’ve got to is lie there and let him get on with it Nice. So not only does he want you to have sex when you don't want, he is happy for you to be unresponsive.

Guess who else likes that, op...rapists.

I do not understand men who are happy to violate their wives and have them non responsive.

Alaria44 · 05/05/2019 10:33

My partner and I have been intimate only a handful of times since DC3 was born almost 2 years ago.

Not once would I ever accept that it is some "right" of his to engage in any sexual activity I wasn't comfortable with and nor would he even suggest he has a right.

Grim is a very fitting word.

Tell him to read up on the word 'consent' and also 'coercive control'

category12 · 05/05/2019 10:35

I say again, grim. He doesn't even care if you don't want it. No wonder you've gone off sex with him.

Original poster
NeonQT · 05/05/2019 12:24

His reply, found it easier to text - Wow you make it sound like i raped you ffs it had been 9 weeks and every lad blags their lass for sex you couldn't be arsed so i done the work

OP posts:
VagChange · 05/05/2019 12:53

Decent men don’t do this. My husband would never do this. Urgh.

Willow2017 · 05/05/2019 13:09

Wow you make it sound like i raped you ffs it had been 9 weeks and every lad blags their lass for sex you couldn't be arsed so i done the work

If its only 5 minutes 'work' then he can use his hand next time. You arent his sex toy ffs.
I wouldn't be having sex with him for a damm long time till his altitude changed after that pile of crap.

Ask him how much fun he thought you got out of it?

And why do his wants (because its not a 'need') trump yours?

I wouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt respect me nor give a crap about how i feel never mind ignoring the obvious health issues you have.
Tell him to grow up if he is adult enough to be a father then he is adult enough to behave with consideration towards other's and realise he wont die due to lack of sex.

NotReadyForThisX2 · 05/05/2019 13:19

Every lad doesn't! Mine certainly doesn't and wouldn't have sex with me if I wasn't also enjoying it, even if I said he could. In fact when I was pregnant with Ds, we stopped half way through a few times because he could tell I'd lost the moment it wasn't particularly into it, despite being so when we started.
Honestly op he sounds absolutely vile and if it were me there would be no coming back from what he's said/done.

And really from a purely physical point, does a shag with someone who's really not into it, feel any better than a wank? I'm not a man but I can't imagine it doing so.

User199999999o9o999 · 05/05/2019 17:45

He's a twat and the 'so i done the work' sounds pretty rapey to me. Dump the creature, you dont want more of this especially after the birth.

User199999999o9o999 · 05/05/2019 17:46

And no every lad doesnt, only the ones who weren't raised right and are happy to rape.

Spinnaret · 05/05/2019 17:56

If he has to coerce and cajole you into it against your wishes and you are expected to just lie back while he cracks on, he IS raping you. He might not think so, but if he is having sex with you when you do not want it, it is pretty clear cut.

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 18:02

God he sounds grim. I have no idea who he hangs around with, but no, ‘lads’ don’t do that. Never had a guy ‘blag’ me for sex or have one be in the least bit annoyed when it’s a no, also never ‘blagged’ a guy for sex or been disappointed if they didn’t want to, and thats coming from someone who didn’t have sex in an 18 month relationship.

You really would be better off without him.

SophiaLarsen · 05/05/2019 18:28

My DH was not at all horny when I was pregnant. I found this hard but respected his feelings.

I then had a traumatic birth and didn't want DH near me for ages. We had a great snog once but I stopped things. Eventually, 6 months post partum we did the deed. Not once did he hassle me or try it on. He respected my feelings.

This is key. Mutual respect. He needs to understand your situation whilst annoying for him is temporary and he needs to realise being respectful is more important than him getting his kicks via your unwilling body.

Original poster
NeonQT · 05/05/2019 18:36

Just to make it clear he’s not the father to my other children this is his first, which is probably why I’m not rushing to finish the relationship like I would consider In different circumstances. I have no fear of being single I’ve been a single mum for years, I’m not reliant on him financially and I don’t even live with him but feel ‘greatful’ for him taking on four children

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonQT · 05/05/2019 18:37

Grateful sorry I’m typing fast on phone while having a toy sort out Blush

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/05/2019 19:02

You're not living with him so how is he 'taking on' 4 children?

category12 · 05/05/2019 19:24

Oh it's good news he doesn't live with you. I'd keep it that way if I were you. Not sure why it being his first dc is a reason not to finish with him?

Original poster
NeonQT · 05/05/2019 19:39

@category no sorry I meant the fact that he’s accepted I’ve come with children makes it harder to finish, like I know I’ll be judged for being a single mum to 5 with different dads Blush anyway I’ve had a conversation with him, he said I’m not right in the head and I’m making him out to be a monster

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 05/05/2019 19:41

He's the one not right in the head. He hasn't taken on 4 children if he's not living with you. He's not paying for them, looking after them, etc.

His attitude is awful, I'd ditch him.

User199999999o9o999 · 05/05/2019 19:41

So to pay him back for his magnanimity you have to sacrifice being treated with disrespect and coerced?

You dont owe him Any thing. He could be a fantastic father but he's still a shit partner to do what he does and talk that way.

category12 · 05/05/2019 19:42

So he still thinks it's OK to have sex with you when you don't want it. He's not a nice guy, OP.

Fairylea · 05/05/2019 19:43

Well he sounds delightful. Hmm

Why are you with this arsehole?!

Seriously. You have 4, nearly 5 children to think about, you don’t even live with him. Just dump and run for God’s sake.

I left my dds dad for similar behaviour 16 years ago when she was 6 months old.

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 19:45

It really doesn’t matter if your children have different Dads, it’s no different to someone else having had sex with a few different people and nothing to be ashamed of (as it isn’t at all shameful), don’t let that make you think you aren’t good enough.

Willow2017 · 05/05/2019 20:50

Seriously being a aingle mum is a million times better than beung treated like ahit by this arsehole.

Ditch him while you still know he is a manipulative pratt. If he keeps this up.you will start to believe him not yourself.

You deseve better. Don't settle for him, he isnt nice, he isnt taking on your kids he just sees you as a way to get sex and an easy target. Do you really think he is giing to change once baby is here? Wait till.you are running ariynd after 5 kids wxhausted from.lack of sleep..he will still be telking you you are mental and selfish not to want sex every 5 minutes.

EL8888 · 05/05/2019 21:18

He’s not right in the head! He shouldn’t be turning the issue into you. He is the one behaving badly.

ahtellthee · 05/05/2019 21:51

Ugh. No. My DH never makes demands. Awful behavior on your BF's part.