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Original poster

Feeling pressured into sex

76 replies

NeonQT · 04/05/2019 11:20

I’m just wondering for my own piece of mind if this is normal? I’m currently pregnant with my 5th child, and I’ve totally went off sex. It’s been 9 weeks since me and my partner done it and he’s getting frustrated.

I give in the other night and just let him get on with it so he’d shut up about it. He tries to touch my bits and rub Me ‘to get me in the mood’ aswell as put my hand on his parts. He literally begs for 5 minutes to do what he needs to do.

I’m also on antidepressants which has a effect on my sex drive and I just generally hate being touched right now but totally understand his frustration.

Is this normal after going a while without intimacy?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonQT · 04/05/2019 19:38

Thank you all for your reassurance that it’s not normal and you wouldn’t put up with it. It does really make me feel like shit but didn’t know if I was over reacting

OP posts:
PaddyMcGintysGoatee · 04/05/2019 19:41

It’s perfectly normal for a couple not to have sex if one of the partners doesn’t want it.

You said further up, “... but I have heard people say you can’t expect a man to go without for so long and to just get on with it.“

Who the hell are the people who say this? Rapists? Characters in Victorian novels? It’s utter bollocks.

If he can’t leave you alone, the traditional Scottish thing to do is to throw him out of the bedroom and tell him to sleep on the couch.

SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 19:46

Pretty much from the positive test there was no sex here

No partner should have sex when they don't want to. He's a bully. I would have a talk and say how he's made you feel and that it is not to happen again. As long as you mean it.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

JaneEyre07 · 04/05/2019 20:09

My DH thought sulking and nagging would suddenly make me want sex during my first pregnancy. A few nights at my mums and a frank chat about how he was actually repulsing me with his behaviour did the trick.

There is nothing remotely attractive about being pestered for sex OP.

Time for an honest chat - but bear in mind that if you give a consequence of this behaviour carrying on, you need to follow it through.

anonforthespies43267 · 04/05/2019 20:12

My DH hasn’t had any action since the week we conceived, previous miscarriage made me too worried in the beginning, low placenta and risk of bleeding freaked me out in the middle & now I’m just too uncomfortable. He hasn’t once complained. Did try it once by offering ‘a massage’ and I just said I’m sorry I just don’t feel up to it. It’s not normal to be pressured into sex.

anonforthespies43267 · 04/05/2019 20:12

Oh and I’m only 8 weeks from due date so that tells you it has been about 30 weeks since we did anything!

abcriskringle · 04/05/2019 20:18

No it's not normal. Fine to ask/suggest it. Not fine to beg for 5 minutes while touching you when you have said no. That's wrong in every way. Of course men can go without sex, it's just the arseholes who make out that it's normal to try to justify their shit behaviour.

Itswinternow · 04/05/2019 21:25

He sounda like a bit of a dick sorry OP. After the birth of our first child dh and I didn't have sex for about 10/11 months. He didn't pressure me even once.

Missingstreetlife · 04/05/2019 21:33

Don't be apologetic, just say no. Where is their self respect? Find the cup of tea video about consent.

RuffleCrow · 04/05/2019 21:37

Your body is yours. It belongs to you. Nobody has the right to touch you sexually without consent

It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship - there's no such thing as blanket agreement to sexual contact. You don't owe him anything. Do you feel safe to refuse him, op? If not you need to find a way to get some support in place to consider your options.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 04/05/2019 21:43

You know that feeling of resentment you feel when he does this, OP? That's the feeling of your boundaries being violated. Trust that feeling wholeheartedly.

Original poster
NeonQT · 04/05/2019 21:44

I feel safe to refuse him it’s just that when I’m knackered giving him that 5 minutes to get on with it seems the easier option or literally he will keep going on and on

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonQT · 04/05/2019 21:46

And @streetlife it’s funny you mention that, I’ve just been watching that on YouTube

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonQT · 04/05/2019 23:15

How would you all approach this conversation with your partner? I want to let him know how I feel without sounding like I’m overreacting. As he says all I’ve got to is lie there and let him get on with it

OP posts:
NotReadyForThisX2 · 04/05/2019 23:37

@NeonQT, he actually said all you've got to do is lie there and let him get on with it?
So he doesn't care if it's enjoyable/pleasurable for you at all? Honestly I'm not sure what I could say to that, other than "fuck off and buy yourself a blow up doll". You could try telling him that you will absolutely not be having sex unless you want to and it's enjoyable for you. And the more he asks the less it's making you want to at all.

I'm currently pregnant and I've been thinking and Dp hasn't actually tried it on at all since we found out. We've had sex but it's been if I've suggested it or we've been cuddling and things have naturally progressed. He was the same when I was pregnant with Ds, absolutely no pressure at all but he made sure I knew he still really fancied and wanted me.

Casmama · 04/05/2019 23:44

I would go with " you putting pressure on me to have sex despite knowing that I don't want to and have spent time explaining that its nothing personal, makes me feel like you see me as some sort of human wank sock and I fear for the future of our relationship if you do that again."

Flamingnora123 · 04/05/2019 23:57

He's not respectful or a good person. He wants to fuck you because he's horny, he doesn't give a shit that you don't want to. I'd leave my husband if he behaved like this.

lovinglifexo · 05/05/2019 00:15

sit him down and literally say what you’ve said here.

I would say maybe show more affection to compensate for the lack of sex. it can be hard to go long periods without sex for Both men and women

Shoxfordian · 05/05/2019 00:17

I'd dump him
He only thinks of you as a defective sex doll

InionEile · 05/05/2019 00:59

Tell him you've developed a new fetish while pregnant where the only way you can possibly orgasm is if you penetrate him with a dildo. Tell him if you don't get regular orgasms from this experience you will become very unwell.

I mean, all he has to do is lie there and let you do what you need for 5 minutes and then you're done. It's hardly the end of the world, is it? I bet that would change his attitude to consent pretty quick...

Some men have been conditioned to think that it's 'normal' for women to allow their bodies to be used passively as a sex aide. If you flipped the sex roles, however, they would be horrified at the very idea.

These men do understand consent when it applies to them. They just have zero interest in understanding how it applies to women.

Caucho · 05/05/2019 01:23

I think it’s grim to want to have sex with a partner but have seen some men criticised on here for not wanting to shag their really horny partner and have been told to stop being such a prude / squeamish or whatever. Consent is all what matters though. If they don’t want to then you don’t pressure full stop. I do think you have the right to walk away if someone trys to you enforce long term celibacy (as opposed to being rapy against someone who doesn’t want to do anything). Anyone has the right to leave or split for any reason whatsoever. Have to say though that this man doesn’t sound like a good one for complaining that his pregnant wife for not wanting sex. Similarly for someone with a new born or young kid. Don’t like the sound of this person

Caucho · 05/05/2019 01:27

Pregnant partner not partner (bad typo). Think early doors I might be cool with it but would definitely be put off when the bump starts showing. Some here would say that’s wrong for some weird reason. If you don’t want to you don’t want to and shouldn’t have to justify what should be the de facto position

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2019 09:30

OP, if you are giving in, you are relenting.

Relenting isn't consenting.

Yes, sometimes a period of no sex an be normal with 4 children, and one on the way. Plus his constantly 'trying to get you in the mood" and making you touch him is not going to make you want to be intimate.

It is abusive to pressurize your partner into sex.

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2019 09:34

but I have heard people say you can’t expect a man to go without for so long Absolutely NOTHING bad will happen to him if he doesn't get to ejaculate inside you for a few weeks/months...NOTHING!!!

What is he like once baby is born, how soon are you expected to "give in" then?

DogHairEverywhere · 05/05/2019 10:18

The other way to look at this is, how would you be with him, if he had some illness or problem that meant he went off sex for a year? Would you pressure him for sex? Ask him to just lie there for 5 mins will you got off on him? Or would you have a respectful conversation about the situation and understand where he was coming from?