I want him as more than a friend but he isn't over his exW

[Emotionallyunavailablemanbait]

Sorry, a bit long!

I am finally recovering from an abusive relationship with a deeply unpleasant man and felt like I was ready to go online dating (it's really the only place I can meet people at the moment). Slim pickings, most of them are just after sex and are obviously dickheads.

Met someone different. He is a bit shy but lovely, charming, sweet, kind, and we have a lot in common including history with exes. We start a relationship but then about a week ago he abruptly ends things saying he isn't over his exW and needs more time as he isn't ready to move on yet. Fair enough, I appreciate him telling me this so as to not string me along. He was very nice about it all, said he does miss me and have feelings for me he just doesn't feel right being in a relationship when he still loves his exW. We have agreed to still stay friends and still see each other as such. He says he wants to move on and be happy with me but feels like he can't yet.

Wtf do I do now?! Our relationship was only brief but I am absolutely gutted because I really felt like we could have had a future together. He was so different from all the men I've known before. He really understands my past and I his. Feel like it's a case of right person, wrong timing. I want to stay in his life because I feel like if he could get to a place where he is ready we could have a real shot at something good.

I have no interest in 'getting back out there' and meeting someone else. I don't want to pine over him but I kinda am and I hate feeling like this all over again. Saw him again for the first time yesterday and it was fine, we hugged but I wanted so much more. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me that he did too. But I can't make him be ready if he isn't and it's painful for me wanting him and knowing I can't have him. Should I just cut contact and walk away? Or should I stick around and see what happens?

Maybe it's all just a fucking line anyway and I just can't see it. Maybe I've been duped by yet ANOTHER arsehole who says one thing but does another and just isn't that into me.

Ffs why do I even bother

I think your boundaries are still very skewed.
I wouldn’t seat friends with him. It sounds terribly manipulative of him
This has huge red flags all over it

And you have future faked yourself on this one also
Walk away completely

He's not for you right now. It hurts because you wanted more. Get out for a walk, get some nice food, call/see a friend/loved one. Gently move on with your life.

@Meandwinealone why do you say it sounds manipulative? What are the red flags? I only ask because I'm trying to understand how I keep allowing myself to get into situations with people that hurt me and trying to not let it happen again. I seem to be red-flag colour blind!

Would you cut contact completely @dudsville? Or just let it fizzle out?

I think the freedom programme would help you.

{I am finally recovering from an abusive relationship with a deeply unpleasant man and felt like I was ready to go online dating}

Is this really true, have you spent long enough on your own to recover your 'equilibrium'?
MN is full of vipers who have a skewed view of men and who make wild assumptions. Can you truthfully say that if you did go further than a hug with this guy that you would not feed some level of remorse immediately after? (are you really ready?).

I think him being in a relationship with you (when not ready) then telling you he’s not over his exW- in fact he still loves her (cruel) but still wants to be friends - ok maybe not manipulative. But it’s some serious mixed messages that keep you stuck. And he knows that. If he was a decent guy he would simply explained kindly and walked away. He wants his cake and to eat it.

Before you know it you’re the FWB- who is knows is besotted with him.

Yes, walk away. You’ve future faked some happy ending when there hasn’t really been a beginning. You need to respect where you are emotionally now and that is heavily invested in a relationship where there isn’t one. You are simply not ready right now to be in this man’s orbit and you will find all manner of excuses to behave in ways that will be detrimental to your emotional well-being if you try.

@1tisILeClerc I did think I was ready a while back and then quickly realised that I wasn't but now I really genuinely believe I've turned a corner. I've seen him for the true scumbag he is and count myself lucky to have escaped finally! I have blocked him (the ex) because I really don't care what he is doing anymore and want him out of my life, completely no contact. I wasn't strong enough to do that before, I had to keep that thread of connection so that he could get back in touch if he wanted to. I have taken back control of my own life and cut him the fuck off. I refuse to let him hurt me anymore and it feels fucking amazing.

I don't know, at the moment this new guy doesn't want sex, which is actually fine by me as if he did I would feel used and more like he was lying to me to get what he wants. If he wanted just sex with no 'relationship' strings attached that would be a red flag to me. The fact he doesn't seems to make the 'I'm not over my ex' line seem a bit more truthful. I know exactly what it's like to think you are ready to move on, especially when someone has hurt you (his ex left him for another man) but find out that after you do it it isn't quite what you want. I've been in the same position myself.

Run I got caught like this no I cant have a relationship I'm not over the last one its cost me over six thousand pounds and then some to extract myself and I cant afford to lose that but I have

Basically you find yourself making excuses for behaviour you would not normally accept do yourself a favor walk away find someone less damaged

I don’t see any point in being ‘friends’. He has knocked you back and you need to accept it.

Nope. No you are not really ready. But I don’t think you’re going to listen to any of us.
You’re making excuses for him. Why are you doing that. It’s totally irrelevant. It doesn’t matter why he can’t be with you. He doesn’t want to be with you. But he’s giving you a crumb of friendship. The only way friendship works is if both partners realise they are better off as friends and were never going to work as a couple.

This is NOT the case for you.

And mine was incapable of sex he kept saying he was going to the drs getting it sorted getting pills etc so I couldn't dump him if I did he would be suicidal because he wasnt a man and that's why I was dumping him etc etc it was a mess but his first line was no sex I respect you then it's no sex I cant then its I'm ill you can't leave me I didn't leave you! (I was intolerant to milk for awhile it made me very sick for about a month)

It's not worth it

oh stop it. He isnt a challenge to overcome and if hes in love with his ex, what on earth is it you want. Have some self respect. This isnt the one for you. Hes not special and even if he was, how would you know at such an early stage. I think you need to do the freedom programme, because youve attached yourself to an unavailable man who is giving you clear messages

What do you do? Appreciate his honesty.

You can't flog a dead horse. You can't make someone want to be with you when they don't.

It truly sucks. Whatever you're feeling now is ok. Try the mindfulness thing of staying with your feelings, however painful they are. Allow yourself to feel them fully. Once you do that, you'll actually begin to feel (a bit) better. With repitition it really starts to lift.

Massive cheese cliche here but you know how in 'Eat Pray Love' they say that every time that person pops into your head you should mentally send them Love and Light? It actually works for me, allowing me to let go a little at a time.

I think it would be a shame to not stay friends if it might work but looking at some of this thread it seems I am in the wrong 'time frame' having recently divorced after 30 years I need to unwind for a few years.

Tbh I think I will stay friends with him, it was my idea in the first place because I don't have many. I like having someone I can do stuff with, eg we're going to the cinema next week. I just need to let go of any expectations or hope that it will go anywhere else and let him just be a friend and nothing more. I think it's the hope that hurts.

Yes it is too early to tell if it would have worked out anyway. He may have been a knob to be in a relationship with. Now that isn't a problem.

Guess it's just hard to be let down yet again by someone I cared about. I was on the verge of giving up on love/relationships before this, now I really want to! Think being a grumpy spinster with a million cats is the way forward

OP you say you are finally recovering but you need to have actually recovered before embarking on another relationship. Otherwise you are in danger of repeating the mistakes of your past and inadvertently seeking out other partners who may abuse you, albeit it possibly in different ways.

I don't like:

1. That you met him on OLD which suggests he feels he is ready to date again but then backs off and says he isn't ready and still loves his ex.
2. He is stringing you along by saying he wants to move on with you yet isn't right as still in love other his ex.
3. Why does he admit to having feelings for you yet suggest you stay friends?
4. He is giving mixed messages.
5. The word 'charming' is a red flag to me. It always seems to come up when describing abusive people.
6. How did discussion of your abused background come about? I would be very wary that an abusive man has selected you precisely for your vulnerabilities especially when combined with him blowing hot and cold. Is he trying to reel you in?

He may be an okay guy. However, do not be fooled by him being different and shy. Being shy doesn't automatically mean he won't be abusive.

I think you should cut contact with him. The fact that you feel so upset about him ending this 'relationship' after only one week just shows how vulnerable you still are. It is not normal to be so overly- invested at this stage. Get some (more) counselling and please do not give yourself any chance of jumping from one abusive relationship into another.

I think recovery is an ongoing process. I'm not sure it ever really stops, I'm still scarred by things that happened 15+ years ago but I'm over it now. Same with this.

I haven't told him much about my background, just bits and pieces of relevant information. I'm trying not to over share as I have been guilty of that in the past.

He told me about how he felt a week ago. The actual relationship was longer than that! It was my idea to stay friends - I think he also wanted to but was unsure how I would react so he didn't bring it up first.

I can't afford counselling but tbh the NHS one takes ages to get a referral and I didn't find it particularly helpful.

I think you have been his affair

He's definitely not having an affair - I've been to his place, met his family etc. His sister thinks his ex fucked him around so badly (because she left him hanging on for ages while she got with someone else) that it's prolonged the pain and left him unable to heal for longer than it would have taken. But who can say!

Maybe distance yourself from him a bit? If he sees what he might lose, then he might realize he does actually want to give things a go with you - people often take for granted people/things that seem like they're always going to be there.

Um he’s doing to you what his ex did to him. Leaving you hanging on. What happens when he meets someone else!?

Well that seems to be the whole point @Meandwinealone, he doesn't want anyone else because he isn't over her. Supposedly.

Ah well, I'm not going to hold my breath and wait for him.

I only say that because I worry you’ll be his friend emotional support to move on until he feels ready, and then he might meet someone and suddenly you’re not really a friend he needs anymore. This could take years!

Have you met up with him since you decided to be ‘friends?’