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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is this??

75 replies

YellowAardvark · 04/05/2019 01:01

I need advice!

I’ve been friends with a man for a little while, a few years. We used to only see each other in a group but over the past while we’ve started meeting for lunch more often just us, and still seeing each other for drinks in a group but never arranging to meet alone for a drink. Times we’ve had a drink alone in the past have been because others have pulled out or gone home early etc.

He’s asked me if I wanted to have lunch twice in the last couple of weeks, but then last week he asked me if I wanted to meet him for a drink just us. I said yes and we agreed we’d go Saturday evening.

Is this a date? I have no idea and don’t want to misread the situation. It feels different somehow but don’t want to overthink it.

OP posts:

category12 · 06/05/2019 08:19

No I wouldn't stay friends. What he did feels deliberate and dysfunctional.

FuriousVexation · 06/05/2019 10:24

Sorry OP, what a wanker! It does seem deliberate - like he thought he could "practise" on you or something.

If he's got his eye on someone online and wants to concentrate on her (really?) then why is it relevant that he "wouldn't ever think of you that way"? And vice versa.

I think I'd withdraw from actively being friends, but not to the point where it makes your friendship group awkward. Smile and say hello, etc, but don't go out of your way to chat.

Cheeky fucker. If he really couldn't ever see you "like that" why the hell wouldn't he suggest doing something less date-like, and/or made it clear it was not a date.

funnylittlefloozie · 06/05/2019 11:05

What an absolute tea-towel he is! And what a horrible thing to do to someone who you regard as a friend. I am inclined to agree with the person who said he was using you as a "practise date", dry-running before he takes this other poor girl out.

Im so sorry he has done this to you. I dont think even the most structured of tops (corset?) could have saved this one. I hope his "date" does the same thing to him.

ElloBrian · 06/05/2019 11:11

You were perfectly entitled to think something was happening OP, any reasonable person would have thought the same given the way he behaved. Distancing yourself is exactly the right thing to do. He has shown himself to be an unpleasant and selfish person and you come out of this with your head held high as the classy one in this situation.

ElloBrian · 06/05/2019 11:12

And that amount of phone contact is far more than just friends too.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2019 11:15

Ice him

He's been using you as an ego boost. Move on.

PeakedTooEarly · 06/05/2019 13:07

Ice ice baby.

TeaForTheWin · 07/05/2019 11:22

Agree with those who say he was using you as an ego boost. I'd run for the hills tbh as he is probably a narcissist or something along those lines. He clearly set you up to not know where you stood with him.

Either he will back off...OR sincerely apologise for leading you on OR (if he is one of those disordered sorts>) If you give him the chance he may continue to act like nothing happened. You might even find his behaviour continues to suggest that he wants something more even though he will outright deny it if you ask. It is a common tactic of narcissists to ACT like they could be 'something more' but refuse to make it official. Basically to keep you hanging on, not knowing where you stand.

Either way I'd say it's best to avoid him. At the very least he lead you on, and that's not ok.

ConfCall · 07/05/2019 21:23

99% of people would have thought that was a date OP. Do not feel foolish.

And don’t be his backup if his OLD woman doesn’t work out. Keep your distance.

Original poster

YellowAardvark · 08/05/2019 07:35

Thanks everyone. He was in touch yesterday wanting to know how things were and I have to work hard not to be reeled back in. But at least now I know that we really are "just friends" so I need to move on

OP posts:

PeakedTooEarly · 08/05/2019 07:47

Send, "Sorry who is this?"

letsdolunch321 · 08/05/2019 10:33

With an attitude like his he will be single for a long time.

I would not meet him for lunch anymore and be a tad distant in the texting dept too. When you meet in a group for drinks, enjoy the company of the other people in the group.

daisychain01 · 08/05/2019 17:51

I feel really miffed that I've never had the chance to send the "sorry, who is this?" text.

Oh go on, OP send it, it will scratch an itch for me he sooo deserves your contempt.

Original poster

YellowAardvark · 20/05/2019 21:29

Lovely people I need more advice! And hopefully some sense talked into me.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve heard little from this guy apart from a terse exchange in which I made it clear it felt like he’d asked me on a date and he didn’t really reply. I’ve missed his friendship but started moving on in my mind as he got out of my system I guess - we talked every day so it was a real adjustment and hurt a lot.

But then - yesterday he was in touch first thing to ask how I was and then to tell me a relative of his that he was close to had died the previous night. He sounded sad and quite broken and it seems came to me pretty much right away.

I really feel bad for him and don’t know how to play this without being an asshole and also keeping myself from being hurt again. Any advice?

OP posts:

KurriKawari · 20/05/2019 22:49

Do you think he's worth all this game playing, because that's what it sounds like.

PeakedTooEarly · 21/05/2019 00:32

No. So what? We have all had deaths in the family. We don't go whining to someone we have treated badly about it. He is using that to reel you back in for a further ego stroke and that IS despicable.

Send a 'I'm sorry for your loss' text only and then be icily unavailable. You will be going around the same mulberry tree again otherwise. Let the girl he fancied from online dating 'support' him.

TheStoic · 21/05/2019 04:12

It wasn't a date, he's not your friend, and you're not his therapist.

He's dangling a hook right in front of you. Are you going to take it?

MsDogLady · 21/05/2019 04:54

This narcissistic man is not your friend. He has been using you as ego supply. His wants & needs are primary, and he has no empathy, as demonstrated by his calculated use of you as a dating trial-run and his cold, dismissive behavior afterward.

Although you pulled away and requested space, he felt entitled to violate your boundary because he wanted support and sympathy. He is attempting to manipulate you to refill his supply.

If you already expressed condolences, don’t engage further. Strengthen your boundary and move on without this pretender in your world.

Isleepinahedgefund · 21/05/2019 05:50

I wouldn't be his emotional support after the way he treated you. I think he's being a bit manipulative. He will most likely use you to offload on and then off he will go.... he's taking advantage of your feelings to get himself some emotional support.

Windmillwhirl · 21/05/2019 05:55

Please stop thinking of him and think of yourself. Don't be reeled back in. This is not a good man. His treatment of you was disgusting and he has family to help him though his grief. That is not a role for you to fill. You have done great, please stay strong.

StarlightLady · 21/05/2019 06:11

It sounds as if hecis playing a very unfair game. Maybe his other “date” did not work. I would play it dead cool. No immediate responses. Good luck

PeakedTooEarly · 21/05/2019 07:09

Stand back and watch for whatever the next thing will be. He will have been mugged. He will be ill. He will have a life threatening condition. It will escalate.
Remember how he behaved when you revealed your feelings for him. No empathy or kindness of any kind. He is disordered in his personality and wants his crutch back.

It's time to see him as n empty shell, a CF and a total wanker for sending this text. I wouldn't ignore it because you bring yourself lower by doing so but I would be sending a text that focused on that persons good points and the loss, not his feeling about it. Selfish bastard.

Original poster

YellowAardvark · 21/05/2019 07:29

I’m so glad I updated this thread. I needed the reminder

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 21/05/2019 07:45

" Candle-lit dinner and bar hopping just the two of you."

Lots of places just have the candles there. I've been out for dinner with male friends and blown out the candles, but the staff keep putting them back. I don't think candles necessarily mean someone is on a date! Neither does going to more than one bar.

I'm not saying he didn't lead her on somehow, but going for dinner and drinks is not necessarily a date.

StarLine · 21/05/2019 07:53

He’s a horrible game player and has barely considered your feelings at all (did he even show the slightest bit of concern that he’d upset you?) and now he wants you to emotionally support him?

I think a very simple condolence message would suffice here, if you’re feeling that kind.

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