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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would my ex

35 replies

Why2 · 03/05/2019 19:51

whom I am not on speaking terms with, tell the dc that I can come on the holiday he is booking for them if I want. He told them this more than once.

I guess only my ex knows.

It’s doing my head in a bit. Maybe this was his intention.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 19:56

So that when you say no, you don't care to go, he's made himself look like the better person.

Yes, and also to do your head in.

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 20:00

How old are the dc? What do they think about it?

Littleduckeggblue · 03/05/2019 20:12

Probably to look after the children lol

MsDogLady · 03/05/2019 20:17

He is manipulating both you and the children. Getting their hopes up and putting you on the spot. Don’t fall for it!

BeanoBrown · 03/05/2019 20:18

To make you look like the bad one when you say to the dc that you aren't going.

Because he want's to get back with you.

Just to create a drama.

Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 20:25

They are all at secondary school.

It did occur to me he might want me as logistical help but they are too old for that.

I also thought it was potentially manipulative and not fair on my youngest in particular.

OP posts:
Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 20:26

One dc thinks he isn’t serious.

The second one left the room calling me a cretin (Confused).

The youngest is a bit invested in the idea and I feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
BeanoBrown · 03/05/2019 20:41

If the oldest dc doesn't think he means it then its most likely he's playing manipulation games with you.

Is dc2 calling you names because you aren't seeing through it?

Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 20:46

Yes maybe, I don’t know. She is very direct and sometimes says strange things so I don’t know.

Anyway I have called him out as I have messaged him asking if he is serious and if so how it would work.

Because part of me madly wants to go.

He probably won’t respond however, which will prove the manipulation.

What a strange and not very nice thing to say to your kids if you don’t mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 20:46

Not madly wants to go. I mean madly, part of me wants to go (a bit).

OP posts:
RLEOM · 03/05/2019 20:56

How long have you both been separated?

Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 21:00

He moved out a year ago. Though the horrible divorce was ongoing for months before that.

OP posts:
Cottonwoolmouth · 03/05/2019 21:03

Because he is an arse wipe.

This will not be the holiday you are expecting and wish you didn’t go.

Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 21:06

He won’t respond to my message and I don’t see how I could go given the state of things between us.

It would also set me back quite a lot because I only function in my daily life because I don’t come across ex.

If he magically turned into a very open and honest person, and a lot of other ifs and buts, it could be considered. But it can’t.

It makes me feel sad however Sad.

OP posts:
KTara · 03/05/2019 21:07

The DC who called you a cretin needs to be told clearly such language is abusive and offensive and should not be used. But is the anger at you because you won’t go or because the DC do not want to go on their own without you?

Apart from that, a stock response of ‘that is not something your dad should be suggesting as we are not together’ would be best. I understand not bad-mouthing your ex to DC, but it sounds like clear boundaries are needed.

By the way, it would be madness to go on this holiday.

Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 21:07

Because it awakened this horrible hope in me and my youngest dc.

OP posts:
KTara · 03/05/2019 21:08

Xpost
Sadness is normal for the marriage and family life you did not and do not have Flowers

Original poster
Why2 · 03/05/2019 21:11

Thank you.

By the way, it would be madness to go on this holiday.

I agree. Especially considering the awful divorce I went through.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 03/05/2019 21:11

Do not go, you will be drawn back into no man's land ..
I would worry he is after sex from you, and he will use you, then bump you and laugh at you...
Tell the children that mum and daddy are not together, so that is their time with daddy

ItsInTheSpoon · 03/05/2019 21:12

Perhaps he thinks it makes him look good to the DCs, and makes you look horrible for saying no.... try to ignore him

BeanoBrown · 03/05/2019 21:16

It sounds like he is being cruel to you and the dc, its normal to feel sad that you can no longer have the family times you once thought you could, please start seeing him for what he is and not what you want him to be. It wouldn't be the holiday you hope for.

SD1978 · 03/05/2019 21:19

You've called his bluff and he hasn't responded. Whilst it would. Be a bad idea to go- the manipulation of the invite is shitty. Hopefully the kids can see that too

MsDogLady · 04/05/2019 00:38

How dare he play with everyone’s feelings. A good father wouldn’t have done this.

Keep your boundary. Don’t be lulled into going. Surely it would complicate matters a thousandfold and if it went south (likely), you’d be trapped there.

Original poster
Why2 · 04/05/2019 12:46

you’d be trapped there

Yes I was thinking that.

Anyway he hasn’t responded to my message so I guess it was just claptrap.

Youngest dd asked me if I was coming and and I said I had sent him a message to which he had not responded. She reckons he did mean it however.

Maybe this is how he carries on playing the victim - look how nice I am and it is Mummy who doesn’t want to come blah blah 🙄.

I guess dd will never know the awful things that went on or the implications of them.

If everything was cleared up and I was in a safe emotional place it would be different. But there is a lot of hurt and resentment and massive loss of trust.

Not sure how you then go on holiday together Confused.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 04/05/2019 13:11

Depending on his age I would speak to the oldest child to find out what exactly has happened here. As you say the youngest is very vested in this happening and may be pushing buttons and pulling strings. But she is perhaps not dealing with or coming to terms with the separation.

It might be best to deal with her directly and reinforce what the separation means.

I am sure lots of people on MN won’t agree but unless you have very good reason about not talking, I don’t think this is sustainable if you are going to co parent. It will put the children in the middle and lead to this sort of manipulation. Ultimately it will cause them to resent you.