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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I realise this sounds petty but...

32 replies

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:05

Got a hen do coming up that has already blown the budget I told the bride I had. It’s being organised by a bridesmaid who I have never met and the bride is not part of the group.
The latest is we have been asked to pay money for a buffet.
I have Crohn’s and celiacs disease so have a strict gluten-free diet but I am also highly anxious around food.
I have told the organiser given my diet would it be best if I sorted out myself for food? She said no she will “ensure there is something suitable”. This has made me anxious. I don’t like that I don’t know what food they plan to buy for me that I am paying for. Buffets are typically awful for gluten-free food and I don’t like eating that type of food as an evening meal. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to come across as a pain and rude.

OP posts:

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 03/05/2019 14:11

This is your health - she has absolutely no right to dictate what you will and won't eat. The standard MN "no is a complete sentence" irks me somewhat, but I think in this case it's use is completely justified.

What the fuck is it about hen dos which turn people into selfish, demanding twats?

Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 14:14

Don't phrase it as a question. So not asking her if you should sort your own food, tell her that you will be sorting your own. But what will you do while they're all at the restaurant, meet them after?

Nesssie · 03/05/2019 14:16

Its incredible stressful to organise a hen do, so its unlikely she is deliberately being a 'selfish, demanding twat'. Its so hard to satisfy every single person and stay within budgets, gather the money, book everything sort out timings etc etc

I would just say to her, you know shes probably got a lot to organise but for your safety you would prefer to organise your own food, could you have the number of the caterer/you will buy your own food, so she does not have to worry.

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:23

No the buffet is at the house that is being rented so everyone will be eating food there and I wanted to bring my own food.

OP posts:

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:24

They are planning to buy from a supermarket

OP posts:

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:25

I’ve said twice now I would prefer to sort myself one to the bridesmaid and one to the mother of that bridesmaid due to being GF and both have told me no

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 14:26

Just take your own food.

IncrediblySadToo · 03/05/2019 14:27

Stop saying what you’d ‘prefer’ and tell them what you WILL be doing.

Just make a small contribution towards anything you might use and basic things such as washing up liquid & loo roll etc then no one can complain

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/05/2019 14:28

Take your own food, the chance of cross-contamination is too high.

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:28

@Hollowvictory but the deadline to transfer the money for this is this week, should I not transfer? I don’t want to have to pay for the food they get and take my own. My budget has already been blown and I’ve not got there yet

OP posts:

yearinyearout · 03/05/2019 14:30

Your mistake was asking them. It should have been "I WILL be bringing my own food so don't worry about me".

Lordamighty · 03/05/2019 14:30

You don’t need their permission to take your own food, or don’t go, you don’t need their permission for that either.

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:31

Yes I see that now, I guess I’m not very good at being assertive and now I’m in a bit of a mess!

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 14:31

So you wont be using loo roll, drinking alcohol etc, grabbing a banana?
You've left this late to sort out tbh.
You should have said much earlier 'for medi reasons I'm bringing my own food but will contribute £x for non food communal items'.

Jeezoh · 03/05/2019 14:32

If it makes it easier, just tell a white lie and say “I’m having a bit of a flare up just now so I’m being super picky with what I’m eating. I’ll be bringing my own food to make sure my medical issues don’t affect my ability to fully enjoy all the fab activities you’ve planned”. Then definitely don’t transfer the money!

FlyingMonkeys · 03/05/2019 14:33

I'd just gloss over the fact they said no and buy my own supplies.

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 14:33

They have only just announced it last week and I contacted them immediately about it and got a reply from the bridesmaid and then I asked another question about it and got no further response so have had to ask someone else. I have not left it late at all @Hollowvictory I have moved as quickly as I can regarding it. Loo roll and related items are covered under the money I have paid towards renting the house. Anything like a banana will be brought with me as will any alcohol.

OP posts:

SistersKeeper12 · 03/05/2019 14:37

Just message "after considering the food issue I have decided that I will sort the gluten free bits I will need, after all you won't know what I like and I don't want to risk getting ill and spoiling the weekend 😁, easier all round and less of a headache for you. I will work out roughly what it cost to deduct from my share and send the rest of the money this weekend by transfer."

MatchSetPoint · 03/05/2019 14:41

I think your going wrong by asking if you can take your own food rather than telling them that you are bringing your own food. This doesn’t need a discussion just tell them what you are doing.

SparklyMagpie · 03/05/2019 14:46

No I would be taking my own food, they can't dictate to you.

Lindy2 · 03/05/2019 14:52

You don't need their permission. You are perfectly entitled to say what You will and won't be part of for any event or activity.
Just text the organiser "Thanks for the info on the buffet. As I am on a restricted diet I do not want to be part of the group buffet. Please don't include me as I will arrange and purchase my own food. It is safer that way for my health."
If they object just tell them no.

LordNibbler · 03/05/2019 14:59

Look you need to stand up for yourself and tell them a straight no. Tell them you will be taking your own food and that is that. I'm coeliac and you and I both know how ill you can get if they get the food wrong. And they will, I speak from bad bad experience. Cross contamination is a bloody nightmare. So what if they think you're rude, this is your health we are talking about here. People simply cannot be trusted to understand what we go through when they get it wrong.

Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 15:00

Great, you're sorted then. Take your own food. I don't see problem then

Original poster

louise7629 · 03/05/2019 15:05

Eurgh @hollowvictory - my problem that you have failed to grasp is that twice I said I would take my own food and both times they said NO! Thank you to other people who have offered really constructive ideas for messages and help me be assertive. I’ve sent a combination of some of your ideas and the mother has said that’s fine. Yay! Thanks so much for sorting me out

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 03/05/2019 15:06

You said you offered and they said no need. Not quite the same. You're very rude.

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