DP is a hoarder.. help

[oldschooloon]

I was evicted with my kids 18 months ago, we couldn't secure another tenancy in time so had to move in with my partner while I continued looking. He and I had only been together a year at this point, but very happily so and after a few months we decided to stay living together.. BUT

This was on the basis that we would sort out his accumulation of junk and the bulk of my life could then move out of storage units and into our shared home. 18 months have passed and the house is still rammed to the rafters, literally.. neither of us are especially tidy but his collection of stuff makes no sense to me, he keeps adding "useful" things, tools.. machinery/parts/gadgets and every in Road I make gets swiftly piled with shit again. He's endlessly kind and supportive, but we both have long history of depression, he "comfort eats" and his weight has ballooned to the point his snoring has become sleep apnea and I claimed a room so we could sleep separately as I was exhausted from sneaking down to sleep on the crappy sofa every night.
He admits he's a hoarder and says he wants to change things and clear it .. but nothing significant ever changes and our relationship is under severe strain. Most of my life is still locked away in storage and I feel like I'm existing in a timeline of someone else's mental illness and not feeling like this is my home at all

I don't know what to do, I'm drinking too much and feeling utterly desperate.

I'd give him an ultimatum, and act on it.

Please find your own space for you and your DC.
Living with a hoarder is torture.
It's an illness and it can't be fixed with a promise that he will sort it.
He won't. He will keep adding to it.
Please get out as soon as you can.
This will all drive you and your DC slowly insane.
Time to stand on your two feet again.
The whole living situation sounds like a nightmare.
Stop putting yourself through this just for the sake of 'a man'.

If you are in the uk google health minds, they are the nhs mental health service and you can refer or ask them for your mental health service in your area. They offer cbt for hoarders.

My mum is a hoarder. Six years ago, my brothers and I hired a skip and with her consent, but whilst she was at work, we went through her things and threw away items she didn't need. Her house was a tip. There were stacks of crap everywhere. It was a fire hazard and she was constantly losing things. The mass of stuff made it difficult to clean the house properly and the worse her house became, the more it affected her mental health.

So we threw things out. We erred on the side of caution and only threw away obvious junk. Still, I was bombarded with phonecalls afterwards. "Where is 'X'. I need 'X'." Even when it was a two year old supplement from a newspaper, and all because it had a crossword in it which she "hadn't had a chance to do". It became apparent that it was a serious mental health issue for her. There was intense screaming and anger. Real panic at not having something she felt she desperately needed. So I replaced everything to appease her and she... Never changed or got better.

Then last year, she moved from a 4 bed, 2 reception room house with garage, to a two bed, one reception room, no garage bungalow. And she voluntarily threw stuff out beforehand, because it wouldn't all physically fit in the new house. She threw more stuff out after the move, when she found that her bungalow was so cluttered that she couldn't fit her furniture properly. She is still a bit of a hoarder, but she's massively improved and so has her general mood. The move was the catalyst because she didn't have a choice in confronting the issue. It allowed her to escape the cycle she was stuck in, by offering her a fresh start.

If you want to stay with him, I'd either look at moving so your DP can start over with your help, or get your stuff out of storage, cram it into his house, and give him a very tangible eye-opener as to how bad his hoarding really is. From my experience, it has to be brutal to get through to a long term hoarder, because even when they want to change, they often can't.

My sister and her dh are hoarders.
Social services are now involved and have threatened to come with the police to remove their children if things are not sorted.
The social worker visits to inspect and case conferences are brutal and honest.
They have voluntary services on to assist with the clearing.
Even with the threat of the children being removed they have not improved.

It’s impossible and not worth risking your children.

Have you addressed your alcohol issues with your gp?

Your needs are important too. Living with him further will simply set you and in turn your kids up for a life of misery. The hoard to your partner is the most important thing, you are not the priority here. Nothing will work unless the hoarder is willing to try psychological treatment and anti depressant medication and even after this there are no guarantees.

Move out asap and get support for your own self; your relationship with him should now be at an end.

This site is good for family and friends of hoarders:-

www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/family-and-friends/

Move out. You moved in with him temporarily. Time to get your own place. I'd also end the relationship

Why would you allow your kids to live like this? What could possibly be more important than providing your dc with a clean, safe and tidy home? Forcing your dc to live in the midst of this man's mental illness and suffering for it. I just don't understand why you aren't out of there. What age are they? Do they ever want friends over. They must be so embarrassed and miserable.

Move out. He’ll never change and it’s not fair on your dc.

It's not as simple as just moving out, the kids have their own space here but are stressed over the state of the shared areas/hallways etc.. and the garden.
I'm in a limited income with no resources financially to just up and go, and there's a major housing shortage in my area.. I'll look at the suggestion of mental health support for his issues( and mine) thank you, none of this is about "for the sake of a man" this was (and is) about trying to make a happy life and home with the person you love, we're middle aged and don't want to just give up..

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. He is basically now dragging you and your children down with him.

The children's space is anything but; he could regard that as space for his hoard. Is their stress not more important to you than this man you are currently residing with?. Why is this person coming first?.

Seek support for your own self going forward, you should not seek support for him. He has to do that without any help from you, not that he wants your help anyway.

Re your comment:-

"none of this is about "for the sake of a man" this was (and is) about trying to make a happy life and home with the person you love, we're middle aged and don't want to just give up.."

He is a middle aged hoarder and his hoarding is a long standing mental health problem. You will not and are already not having a happy life with this person. Worse still is that your children are now caught up in this too.

Such thinking above is an example of the "sunken costs fallacy" and it is one that basically causes people to make poor relationship decisions. You cannot help him here nor fix his hoarding problem, trying to do so will destroy you and your children too.

I think when you have children that are stressed due to this situation then you really do need to just get them out of there. Your last sentence says it all. Yet another women putting a man before her kids.

Hoarders don't change. Perhaps it's time you start thinking about what's best for your children.

My kids rooms are sacrosanct, and he hasn't always been a hoarder, it started when his mother died... it's something he very much wants to get on top of but struggles mightily with and his bad habits are not being actively addressed, no... thanks to those who have made constructive comments etc, it's really appreciated. He's a huge support for my children, it's a more complex picture than you paint with the assumption I put him first, I most certainly do not. Life threw us together, and financial issues have stranded me in a situation I struggle with hence asking advice on here. I don't use mumsnet a lot as the tendency for so many to comment in a frankly vicious and judgmental manner has kept me away.
So thanks again for the constructive advice on here.

I'm out.

So you are drinking and desperate.
What age are your kids?

Its all very well saying that you are out, what does writing that achieve other than making you look petulant?. You have to take some responsibility here too for moving in with this person.,

You threw in your lot with this man and its been at great cost to you as well. You now admit to drinking too much.

Re your comment:-
"the kids have their own space here but are stressed over the state of the shared areas/hallways etc.. and the garden."

Yet you say that he is a huge support for your children, how is that possible?. Is this really the environment you want to raise them in?. To him the hoard is first, last and everything. He will not let go of it for you or anyone else.

You mentioned you’re drinking too much OP? Clearly there’s an assumption on here you have a problem with alcohol, while that’s not necessarily the case, as a coping mechanism it’s a common one but we all know it’s only going to make depression worse. I would suggest talking to your Gp for your own self... whatever lies behind your partners hoarding is a complex and difficult issue for all of you, and the financial stress and lack of housing locally makes it hard to feel anything other than trapped I would think. But you’re not helpless, your dp wants to deal with this? Then he should talk to his own Gp about his issues with hoarding, if it started as you say with the death of his mother, however long ago that was it’s a destructive mental health issue and you would indeed be better off if you can find a way to get your family re housed.
Good luck.

Vicious and judgemental? You haven't experienced the rage of a hoarder when they feel their precious things are threatened - yet.

There will always be an excuse why they do it, always an excuse for why it can't be sorted, always blame to be laid on somebody else. And they will genuinely fight - with whatever pieces of crap they have to hand - if they think their treasure will be chucked away.

Seriously, those sacrosanct spaces will be gone soon enough.

You need to move out and get a place for just you and your DC. It in unfair to subject them to that living situation..

Hoarders need help rather than ultimatums. I recall reading a paper about the link between hoarding and unstable childhoods. He could benefit from counselling.

Life threw us together

Oh please. You made choices. You’re still making choices.

You live with an unhealthy, vastly overweight man with major mental health issues, in a hoarded-up property which will no doubt be a source of shame and stress for your children. You are continuing to live there. You freely admit you are drinking to cope. What’s going to change? Nothing, unless you change something. Hoarders rarely change and if they do, it comes from them, not others. Hoarding is one of those tihings where people simply refuse to admit there’s a problem. Like drinking...

Don’t come on here and ask for advice if you aren’t willing to hear it.

I grew up with a hoarder. It was horrendous. I was constantly anxious and desperate for order. I was also so embarrassed and ashamed and it really affected my friendships.

Your poor kids.

Take some responsibility. And do something.

Do you want people to agree with you that you are making the right choice?

You are supporting someone who cannot gain anything at all from that support. Hoarding is one of the most intractable, difficult to treat mental health issues that there is. It won't be solved by a bit of 'mental health support'.

It actually probably can't even be solved by very active psychotherapy either, not without the sort of 100% engagement from your partner that he will not ever find the need for if you stay 'supporting' him. Remember - his hoarding is not a problem for him. He will be aiming to appease you by pretending to want a solution, but hoarding is very like alcoholism and he will hide, hide hide it from you and pretend any and everything that he thinks you want to see.

I would honestly suggest that you direct your energies into sorting out your own financial issues. That way you can hold you head up when people in the real world remind you of the truth that you are putting yourself before your children as has happened here. You will feel so much better when you start to have the aim of getting completely out of this sad situation.

.

She doesn't want to move out because they're co-dependent.