How do I make DH appreciate how hard it is to be a SAHM?

[oneplusone]

I know the obvious answer to this is to leave him alone with the kids for a couple of days and then he will realise just how hard it is and how much there is to do with very little to show for it at the end of the day.

Trouble is due to his work he won't be able to take any time off for quite a while and for the next few weekends we have committments that we can't avoid.

We had a row at the weekend as I had a go at him about not clearing up after himself and leaving a messy trail wherever he went. I pick up after the 2 DC all week and I don't expect to have to pick up after DH as well at the weekend. He said he couldn't clear his own mess as he had got up early and spent 3 hours with the DC's in the morning so I could have a lie in. I get up at 5.30am from Monday to Friday whilst he gets up at 6.45 so I think I deserve a lie at the weekend.

But anyway, the argument still hasn't been resolved and today he told me in a text that he thinks what I'm doing at home is not good enough. I think it stems from the fact that I don't cook from scratch every night, we have take-aways or ready meals sometimes but I do cook on the other days. He thinks I don't always cook because I can't be bothered and I just can't believe he thinks that . I'm sure he wouldn't want to cook with a crying 14mo clinging to his legs or screaming in the high chair.

I could try and list every single thing I do every day but I don't think that will give him a real idea of the reality of being at home all day with DD 3 and DS 14mo as it's not only the million and one things that need to be done each day but also the things you can't do like go to the loo alone, eating lunch in peace and quiet, having an adult conversation occasionally etc etc, I'm sure all the SAHM's will know exactly what I mean. I also have no help from family or friends so maybe I was just tense at the weekend at the thought of the next 10 weeks on my own with the 2 DC as DD doesn't start school again until end of September as it's a staggered start for the new reception class.

Anyway, apart from swapping roles which just will not be possible for a while do you have any suggestions?

I also think he sets his standards by his mum... ggrrrrrr....but really only by how his mum is now. Of course he has no idea how she managed when her kids were very young and her kids are 7 years apart and she had lots of help which I don't have.

I am just so angry at him and I've told him if I'm not good enough then he's free to go and find someone who is. Haven't had a reply to my text yet but I absolutely mean it, I'm doing the best I can and he doesn't appreciate it at all.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

hi again - i posted on your other thread. i just thought i'd offer an idea to help you feel better at this point whilst you work on the long term. when i'm peeved with the whole sahm thing i organise to leave the house for the whole day. i pack a picnic and clean the house the night before and then we're out by 9am for parks, swimming,soft play, library, picnics,if it rains we picnic in the car and go splashing,and cheap supermarket cafe for tea. it just means a day without cooking or cleaning and coming back to a still tidy house with just the bath time stuff to do is ace - we do this at weekends too - i even buy no prep food like sausage rolls if i don't want to do the picnic! my dh loves this too and yes he will make the picnic!

oneplusone thanks for pointing me here.
I just read about the text thing. Jeepers creepers is all I can say. Make sure you keep that one as evidence.

Anyway, going on strike and going away for the day is all well and good, but you still have to clear up at the end of it.

In the short term, the best thing I can suggest is to focus on getting the children out of the house one day a week - arrange for a childminder. That way you don't have to come back to the mess. You can then spend the whole day enjoying your own home.

He's an absolute swine, I'm sorry to say, but there may be light at the end of the tunnel, as meeely2 has shown. A similar thing happened to me, but it's crazy we should ever get to this stage. Big kicks up arses required here. The mother thing sounds interesting - I don't know what that's about, but it's not an excuse. Tell him you are his and he is your family now.

Alternatively try the books n balls solution!

Can you arrange a weekly/monthly night out with your mates - even if it's just the telly and a bottle of wine.

I think you need to let off some steam girl, or you will BLOW!

yes, you must film him.

then put it on youtube

Just wanted to come on and add my support to you, I'm a SAHM with only one kid and can't remember the last time i cooked from scratch for us, hubby and I will probably live to 150 given the level of artificial preservatives in us . Your hubby sounds like he's really insecure - why be so competitive, aren't you supposed to be a TEAM raising your family together, not warring over who does what, or does it better?? or for insecure, read arse. Agree with meemar, print off this thread, force him to read it and maybe in black and white it'll have some impact. Saying that by text what a lazy selfish nerd!!!! Can't believe you did all that stuff while pregnant either!!! did he wear a hole in the couch at the time?? Men. Can't live with them, can't shoot them.

Thanks for all your support, I was all set to talk last night, I felt a lot calmer and not angry anymore so it would have been a proper talk and not a slanging match.

I had even cooked from scratch (not because he was moaning about it but because like I said I do cook at least 3-4 times a week. (Delicious salmon fishcakes with a salad and a spicy chilli and coriander sauce btw ). Anyway I was MNing when he got in from work, he went upstairs to get changed or so I thought and didn't come back down. I thought he might have been working in his study as he has an important meeting at work today but I eventually went upstairs to find him asleep in the bedroom!

So, we won't be talking til tonight as I didn't really want to potentially have another row last night bearing in mind his meeting today (I know which side my bread is buttered on so I didn't really want to jeorpadise his meeting).

I'm not going to show him this whole thread but I am going to tell him about what you have all said and ask him exactly where he thinks I'm not good enough and then tell him I'm not prepared to take any of it on board until he's done my job for a month and done it to perfection ie spotless house, ALL meals cooked from scratch every day, kids clean and happy, laundry, ironing (don't know how he's gonna manage that as he can't iron so really he's failed already) and THEN i might see if i need to improve in any area.

And if he says 'my mum this that and the other' I'm going to tell him to bugger off and go and live with her if that's what he wants. I'll do things my way and there's no way I'm going to be another Hyacinth Bouquet. Kids and mess go together and that's something he's gonna have to get used to.

OneplusOne - this is not just about being right - it's about getting the result that you want isn't it? In that case you need to plan your conversation with his pesonality in mind. Telling him that he is wrong and you are right is unlikly to get you the result you want as it will make him feel crap and unloved and that you don't want to work together as a team.

I used to work in advertising - the first rule of any communication, whether it be a letter or an e-mail or an ad, is to be aware of exactly what state of mind the reader is in. Then work out how you will get that person to view your message positively. I had carefully drafted a letter once to a really pissy client which vindicated my approach. My boss suggested I pretend I was the client reading it and then tell him how it made me feel. Then he asked me if taht was what I wanted to achieve. Suffice to say I redrafted the letter - I didn't get teh same feeling of vindication but I did get the right end result and I learned one of the best lessons in my life.

So, very best of luck with your conversation - now go and plan it using your best cunning!

Is he stressed about something else? When my dh comes over all arsey about the state of the house it is usually because something is going on at work. I just ride it out.

Dh was SAHD for a bit, so he's not normally the whingeing sort.

hi, just read this thread - I'm in much the same boat as you, so good luck! Just a thought though, I know that if I said to my dh "well, the mothers on MN think blah, blah, blah" then he'd feel even more defensive about his position and would probably not back down at all. You know what these men are like (speaking as someone who has invoked MN in an argument only to be told that only neurotic women post on MN, not the calm ones!! ) Let us know how you get on. x

meandmyflyingmachine, thanks for bringing up that point, he is or was stressed about a meeting at work which he had today and it went well so he's happy.

I still do want to talk to him but I am sooooo tired tonight, was up most of last night with DS who's teething and DD who has a bad cough so am just not in the mood for a deep and lengthy conversation tonight.

I also think I do need to think about what I want to say and want to achieve by talking.

But although I don't feel angry any more I do still feel very upset by his text that in his opinion I could do better with what I'm doing at home. I am doing the best that I can and if that's not good enough for him then it's up to him to decide what he wants to do about it as I can't really do any more than I'm doing already. But if he means that he thinks I'm actually not trying hard enough that is a lot more serious to me as it means I don't care enough about our family to do the best that I can and I'm really gutted if that is what he thinks of me. My family ie him and the DC mean the absolute world to me and everything I do is with their best interests at heart.

We definately need to talk but it's just finding the time when we're both not tired or stressed and when the kids aren't around which is basically never!

And to top it all off it's our 6th wedding anniversary on Saturday and I don't want to ruin it but at the same time I want to know his true feelings about me beforehand instead of having some fake celebration on hte day but knowing he really thinks I'm uselss.

God what a mess!

wow - poor you oneplusone! yeah, i was going to suggest he read this thread.
Maybe you could take this wedding anniversary to remind him of his vows (assuming you took some) and that at some point he has probably said that he loves you unconditionally... i.e. your relationship shoudn't depend on your "performance".
And what a wimp to TEXT you with his complaints! Honestly...
you have my hugest sympathy and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job

Balls - what great advice - common sense but something that's really hard to do and something you kind of forget about when you're really angry / down / emotional.

opo must use this approach, but then also should her partner. He needs to be aware of the way he treats her and understand how it feels.

With my partner, he believed that he was working solely for us, purely for the love of his family and seemed to think that that was enough. It wasn't until I finally made him understand how easy it would be to lose me and how awful it would be for him that he changed (marginally), but his attitude genuinely shifted position.

Do make sure he understands that a happy mummy is a happy house and that you as parents need to keep each other happy. You HAVE to work as a team when you have children together.

Oneplusone, I'm sure he doesn't really think that you're not trying hard enough. He was probably at work, mulling over your unresolved argument thinking to himself 'I work hard for my family all week, get up early at the weekend to give DW a lie in, do my best with the kids and all I get is nagging. Right then, see how she likes her efforts being criticised'. Presses send.

It's not reasonable (in fact it's downright childish) but I bet we've all done similar when feeling a sense of injustice in an escalating row. I have. Pride gets in the way (and he sounds like a rather pompous man) of doing what will logically get things back on track.

It does sound like you need a bit of renegotiation of your chores though - sounds like he's an extra child for you to look after. The deal in our house used to be 'she cooks, I clean'. Now it's 'she cooks a couple of nights, I cook a couple of nights, M&S cooks a couple of nights, Takeaway!' And the dishwasher does the cleaning.