How do I make DH appreciate how hard it is to be a SAHM?

[oneplusone]

I know the obvious answer to this is to leave him alone with the kids for a couple of days and then he will realise just how hard it is and how much there is to do with very little to show for it at the end of the day.

Trouble is due to his work he won't be able to take any time off for quite a while and for the next few weekends we have committments that we can't avoid.

We had a row at the weekend as I had a go at him about not clearing up after himself and leaving a messy trail wherever he went. I pick up after the 2 DC all week and I don't expect to have to pick up after DH as well at the weekend. He said he couldn't clear his own mess as he had got up early and spent 3 hours with the DC's in the morning so I could have a lie in. I get up at 5.30am from Monday to Friday whilst he gets up at 6.45 so I think I deserve a lie at the weekend.

But anyway, the argument still hasn't been resolved and today he told me in a text that he thinks what I'm doing at home is not good enough. I think it stems from the fact that I don't cook from scratch every night, we have take-aways or ready meals sometimes but I do cook on the other days. He thinks I don't always cook because I can't be bothered and I just can't believe he thinks that . I'm sure he wouldn't want to cook with a crying 14mo clinging to his legs or screaming in the high chair.

I could try and list every single thing I do every day but I don't think that will give him a real idea of the reality of being at home all day with DD 3 and DS 14mo as it's not only the million and one things that need to be done each day but also the things you can't do like go to the loo alone, eating lunch in peace and quiet, having an adult conversation occasionally etc etc, I'm sure all the SAHM's will know exactly what I mean. I also have no help from family or friends so maybe I was just tense at the weekend at the thought of the next 10 weeks on my own with the 2 DC as DD doesn't start school again until end of September as it's a staggered start for the new reception class.

Anyway, apart from swapping roles which just will not be possible for a while do you have any suggestions?

I also think he sets his standards by his mum... ggrrrrrr....but really only by how his mum is now. Of course he has no idea how she managed when her kids were very young and her kids are 7 years apart and she had lots of help which I don't have.

I am just so angry at him and I've told him if I'm not good enough then he's free to go and find someone who is. Haven't had a reply to my text yet but I absolutely mean it, I'm doing the best I can and he doesn't appreciate it at all.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

get a job.

There are loads of things I can't do with a toddler in tow, like: have a shower, cook a meal, do ironing. I can barely load the dishwasher, although have now enlisted ds to hold the dishwasher drawer open for me (rather than constantly slam it shut as I try and throw the dishes in). I genuinely don't know how people manage these tasks. Even I can manage to tidy up though! (As long as said tidying involves moving stuff above toddler height!)

sorry couldn't resist.

he sounds like a nob. no good suggestions i'm afraid.

It is not so simple as sticking a 14mo in front of the TV and 1/2 hour later you have produced a meal. That wouldn't even happen with my 3yo - she would be dragging a chair across the kitchen to stand next to me before the end of the first scene. Or you would have it sussed.

I know this is besides the point but I quite often find it easier to get a lot of the meal prep done earlier in the day, often while DD is asleep but not necessarily these days.

I do agree with others though that he is being unreasonable. Especially the bit about clearing his own mess because he is looking after the children. So you are expected to do childcare and chores simultaneously but he isn't?

I think the most shocking thing about this is that he communicated his thoughts to you by...text

I'm not sure that going on strike really is the solution. It would probably just end in more conflict and argument. You were not happy that he didn't clear up after himself at the weekend when he was looking after the DCs. Point out that your whole day is like that. If he desperately wants a home cooked dinner in the evening can he look after the DCs while you do it. I think a bit of old fashioned face to face converssation is what you both need.

Feel really guilty for my flip comment so have left cooking to make amends:

1)Sounds like communications are down right now if he is resorting to insulting you by text
2)Sounds to me like he feels his needs are being put below those of the kids
3)Is it time for a really serious chat about agreeing together the priorities for the next few years and working out together the best ways of meeting the needs of each individual within the family

An argument is not the way forward as it puts you both on the angry defensive. Could you tell him that you were really hurt by his text, that it has got you thinking and can you both set aside some an hour or two to discuss it calmly?

Sincerely HTH

I have similar age kids to yours 1+1 and am SAHM - I sympathize as it is hard work

Trouble with going on strike is that you're going to be the one to put the house right again afterwards!! Also if my DH looks after kids he doesn't also think to do washing/cleaning/shopping etc... Even if your DH takes over for a few days in won't be like doing it full time....

I think best way to communicate this to DH is to set aside an evening and have a serious talk - calmly not an argument. Maybe agree on certain things - you'll cook from scratch if he can help out in other ways or take the kids off your hands at the weekend.

What can you do for each other to help each other get what you want etc...

You're pissed off with him cos he left a mess and jsutified himself by saying that he was looking after the kids.

He's pissed off with you and told you "that doing at home is not good enough" and you've assumed it's cos "you don't cook from scratch every night"

I'd bet that there's more to his comment than just not a freshly cooked dinner at home evry night and until you find out more nothing will improve.

Good luck

Yep, it is time for a proper talk you're all right. I think it is partly that our priorities are different. Whilst I'm at home with the kids I do as much housework and cooking etc as I can, but there are occasions when I think sod it, I'd rather take them to the park, play in the garden etc, because they're not going to be this age forever (although sometimes it feels like it) and I don't want to spend all my day tidying, cooking, cleaning etc as the housework never ends and I'll hardly spend any time with the kids where I'm completely focussed on them.

Whereas his attitude is that the kids take second priority after housework and cooking meals for him and he expects the house to be spotless pretty much as if we didn't have kdis. And he gets that attitude from his mum who is a bit like Hyacinth Bouquet, she's only interested in keeping up appearances and she's very superficial and to an extent that's what he's like. I'm quite different, I woould love the house to always look neat and tidy but I think that dream will just have to be put on hold til the kids are a bit older as will things like cooking from scratch every single night.

You need to ask him if he wants a mother or a housekeeper because he cant have both!!

I think the bottom line is he will NEVER know what it's like to be a SAHM. All you can do is talk to him, tell him what you did with the children, how you filled your day, that the children are your "job" if that makes it easier for him to understand.

I walked out when we got to this stage (I did take the kids), and went to his mums. He was furious, drank himself silly, called his mum calling her everyname under the sun, then realised he missed us. I went hom after 4 days and he was almost a new man.

I then went to spain for a week (with work) and left him with kids. He was defo a new man when i got back. we have been 50/50 ever since. Having said that he has cooked since we got together as I can't (won't), so would starve if we split!

Tell him to book into the local hotel if he doesn't like it at home

Agree, talk to him and tell him what you have been doing all day. It's possible that he genuinely doesn't appreciate or understand it. If he is out of the house all day, he will see all the money-earning stuff which goes on outside the house during the day as HIS responsibility, and all the stuff which goes on inside the house during the day as YOUR responsibility. He has no reason to think otherwise unless you tell him so.

Fill out timesheets if you must. Seems a bit extreme, but if it helps him to understand...

But in return, you should be prepared to listen to an equally long and boring description of every single little thing he has done at work in order to keep the family in the style to which it is accustomed. Only fair.

Can you arrange an evening just the two of you, no children.

Tell him how you feel. Explain that you understand that it is hard work and a lot of pressure being the one to bring home the bacon. Most importantly explain to him that you both chose to have children, it aint easy, it is messy, and really hard work.

Ask him why he has set such high standards for you.

Ask him to imagine how he would feel if he had to stay at home all day long, every day of the week, the month, the year with demanding/fighting/sometimes screaming children, having to cook, clean, tidy, raise children, support partner.

Ask him how he would feel if he had to do all this and you when you came home expected a meal made by him from scratch, he should also himself look refreshed, happy, grateful, and loving.

Ask him why he thinks you want to look worn out, tired, grumpy, fed up? Does he really think that you do not want to look your best and do all of the things that he would like you to do.

If he refuses to listen and understand then I would seriously consider leaving him with the children (apart from any birthday weekends) and a list of what is needing to be done every single weekend until he caved.

I would when I come home Sunday evening go through the list point by point, checking if he had done it then tell him that he can't expect you to do it if he can't do it himself, does not work that way.

A talk is definately in order as you've all said and I think you're right in that he will NEVER know what it's like to be a full time SAHM even if he does it for a week. However I do know what it's like to be the sole breadwinner though as I was exactly that when I was pregnant with DD, he had been made redundant and he was pretty much out of work for nearly the whole of the pregnancy. I was pregnant, working in a job which I hated but had to carry on with until I went on maternity leave, paying all the bills and cooking dinner when I got home. It was stressful being the sole breadwinner whilst being pregnant and so I fully understand him when he says he has a stressful job.

But, I want him to understand, accept and realise that I too have a sressful job, as stressful as his in it's own way. He would never be able to manage all the housework and kids if he was at home, he's a typical man ie can only concentrate on one thing at a time, and that's why I am so angry at him telling me he thinks I'm not good enough when I'm a damn sight better than he'd ever be (sorry for language).

Maybe it's not only the cooking from scratch that he's talking about but I don't care, the kids are happy and well cared for, the house is fairly tidy, I cook around 3-4 times a week, I do all the household admin and paperwork, shopping, laundry, ironing, etc etc etc.

Maismore, that's a good idea, I will try and make a check list and try and leave the kids with him for a weekend.

I had the chance a few weeks ago unfortunately before we had this argument as I could've done it then, but I went away for one night to a friend's and I was thinking to myself that it would be a good chance for him to see what it was like but before I knew he had called his parents to come over for the day whilst I was away and guess what, they ended up staying the night. So he had it easy, had none of the putting the 2 kids to bed whilst you're exhausted, trying to have a shower in the morning with 2 screaming kids banging on the door wanting to be let in, etc etc.

I if ask him why he asked his parents over he will never admit it was because he didn't want to be left alone with kids, he'll say it was because the kids like spending time with the grandparents.

He can be so stubborn and arrogant, he will NEVER admit he was wrong, but (obviously not at the moment)at the same time he can be really caring and thoughtful so it's very difficult to just make a decision to dump him as it's not black and white. But to be told by him I'm not good enough is really pushing me to the brink.

If he wants a tidy house, let him hire a cleaner. What an outrageous notion, that you should tidy the house first and spend time with your children second. Of course there are things you do need to do (like MNing!) and I think it's good for kids not to be the focus of attention all the time but understand that mummy must wash up now, etc. But really.

I know a lot of guys who have to call their parents in to help when they have sole care of their children. I think it's crap.

Btw, whilst he was off work during your pregnancy you did all the cooking and the paperwork? Did he do any cleaning, errands, anything?

I have a LOT of respect for SAHMs I think it is the hardest job in the world - I work part time 3 days at work 2 at home - and honestly I find my 2 days at home much harder and my 5 year old is in school full time - TBH am dreading my 6 months maternity leave and have haf suggested might go back at 5 months we will see At least at work I get to go to loo and have lunch in peace

Mine does this I went away for weekend his mother had her all day sat he did bedime and few hours sun am then MIL had her again all sun aft so he could go to pub WTF he goes every single week now we are seperated !!!!!!

As soon as I get the chance, I'm going to tell him that I'm not prepared to listen to any criticism he's got of me until he's spent at least a month doing my job (have no idea when or how that will happen but it might actually shut him up for a while).

And also that I am prepared to take criticism from another SAHM who is in my position (home alone, NO help whatsoever from any friends or family, 2 demanding kids aged nearly 4 and 15 months, moved to a new area so few friends at the moment and major issues with my parents and my health) and who thinks I'm not doing a good enough job.

Until then he can put up or shut up.

You'll probably find that joke about the SAHM going on strike for a day if you search 'today I didn't do it'.

He is NOT your boss and NOT giving you your annual appraisal, the cheeky sod. You are equals.

Did you ever see that TV show called "Mums on Strike"?

All the men were hopeless at dealing with anything domestic.

Suggest a job swap.

Also, what about a video diary?

You could get a friend to film you and it might be a laugh.

Seriously I think you should have a proper talk with him.

Also, do you think a part time job would help?

I will definately suggest a job swap and I want to film him so there's hard evidence of just how crap he is.

Even when he's left with the kids for an hour or two the place is like a pigsty, the kids are screaming blue murder and he has the cheek to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job.

I am just so angry I could scream .

A part time job might help, but am not sure and I don't really want to go back to work til both kids are at school.

Show him this thread