Too needy? Ill and probably need some perspective

[dragonflyflew]

So I’ve posted about this guy before, he’s lovely and fun and affectionate and very loving etc. We have only been together approx six months and don’t live in the same town.
I was poorly last week, flu/gastric type thing and managed a resurgence at the weekend (against my better judgement but didn’t want to miss out on two events on consecutive weekends so forced myself) and we had a great time away together with some of his friends even tho was still poorly having to rush to loo etc. I was ready to sleep long before him and could see this was conflicting for him although he didn’t complain...
Then I got home and by Tuesday I had crashed again and felt really crappy. He has been on early shifts all week so finished in the afternoons and is going away to a festival this weekend.
Throughout this week he’s sent loving messages, how he feels bad all his commitments are keeping him away from me when I’m poorly etc.
He had a footy match to watch on Tuesday eve then was supporting a friend weds eve which ended unexpectedly early so he went home to watch another game.
Says he’s tied up with all the prep for this weekends festival so can’t see me tonight (or indeed this arvo) as has work in the morning and doesn’t want to be tired for the weekend’s partying.

I have disabilities and any bug really takes it out of me so have been really struggling with work, kids etc.
He’s mentioned on a few occasions how demanding his ex was and how lovely that I’m refreshingly not needy.
This week I feel particularly needy and shit. The kids are at their dads now and I’m fucked and poorly. He sent a message saying he misses me and I’m thinking well you have had plenty of opportunity to see me but you have your ‘commitments’ so I haven’t really said anything other than being a bit short with him and told him I’m used to looking after myself so crack on and do your thing.
But I feel a bit sad, and not sure if it’s cos I’m at a low ebb.
I have these chronic conditions and I’m prone to catching everything going.
This week feels like a glimpse into our future , I don’t think I could ever lean or depend on him....
Is he a fair weather boyfriend or am I being too dramatic and diva-ish expecting him to drop everything to come and comfort me even if just for a couple of hours?

Also I’m struggling to return the sentiment re missing him as I’m feeling particularly churlish and resentful and mildly rejected... I don’t miss him, I’m too cross but not sure who I’m cross at or why!

The thing that would bother me is the comparison with his ex - he is basically telling you you need to behave the way he wants you to or you're out. For that alone I think he needs to fuck off.

I think everyone will have different views on whether he should have 'dropped everything' but I think, for a relationship to be really worth something, you should really expect that person to genuinely care and want to see you when you're not well. I got ill when my DH and I were going out for about 5 months and ended up in hospital. He visited every single day, at great inconvenience to himself and texted and rang all the time, not to keep me happy but because he was really worried and want to make sure I was alright. That's how I knew he really loved me - it's the actions that say it, far more than the words.

The thing that would bother me is the comparison with his ex - he is basically telling you you need to behave the way he wants you to or you're out.

That's the first thing I thought too. I've had abusive sorts in my life in the past and it's exactly the sort of thing they would say. 'Oh my ex was so crazy clingy, im glad you aren't like her' *me making mental note, do anything I can not to be clingy. Him two days later: 'you're so clingy'. Me: 'w.t.f? shit shit'.

Also smacks of managing down your expectations. Basically: 'don't expect me to be there for you when you need me'.

Not that this is what is going on for you of course, but definitely that sentence stuck out for me too.

I totally agree @TeaForTheWin, people who say 'you're not like other girls,' 'you're not like my ex' are very clearly sending the message that you are expected to stay within certain limits of acceptable behaviour. Apart from anything it's rude to compare a current partner to an ex - it's never really a compliment and it always makes the current partner feel insecure (which is usually the aim IME).

It doesn't sound like this guy is much good - I wouldn't waste time with him.

Yeah i'd certainly be on my guard after that kind of comment anyway.

Just a thought but, this might be the oprtune moment to test things. If my partner was feeling particularly low and contacted me and said 'hey I know you have work (or whatever) tomorrow but im feeling really sad right now and would love it if you could come over for a hug', I'd probably be over there like a shot.

I mean not necessarily saying that if he doesn't come he isn't nice...but if he hits you with 'you are so clingy' or 'you only think about yourself' or basically makes you out to be a baddy/inconsiderate. Or if he acts like he just doesn't give a shit...then you might have a better idea if it's just your mood right now making you feel the way you do, or if infact there is something to it.

Sorry you’re poorly OP, I hope you feel better soon 💐.

To be frank I don’t think I’d be that bothered, but then I hate people being around when I’m ill.

He’s mentioned on a few occasions how demanding his ex was and how lovely that I’m refreshingly not needy

Alarm bells.

To be fair OP, I wouldn't like the ex comment either. But I wouldn't have forced myself to go out, you were already poorly and know you're prone to catching bugs (your words). Why 'force' yourself to go? Especially when you're still running to the loo?
I'd have stayed at home and felt sorry for myself but recuperated.

Thank you everyone for your messages. Tbf I have been ill before in this relationship and he changed his plans and come to see me and brought takeaway. This was a few months ago.
This time it feels as though he has much more time to see me and it wouldn’t really be a case of cancellation or changing plans. Just more fitting me in.
I’m very self conscious about my health issues so I’m immediately convincing myself that I’m a turn off and only any use when I’m well.
He didn’t directly compare me to ex (still a good friendship they ‘salvaged’) but said she was self obsessed and it was too much and he’s not going to put himself out for selfish people anymore. And has praised me numerous times for how chilled and un-needy I am and how refreshing it is.
Tbf I have been chilled because I have had to be super independent and self sufficient from a young age and due to various issues have don’t feel safe relying on anyone else as have been let down badly many times.
Because he has seemed so switched on and kind etc I’ve let him in where I might’ve held back before. He’s very supportive of his ex wife and kind to all his friends so I judged him by that.
It feels like he’s really dug his heels in with this one without any discussion.

Apart from the fact that "You are not needy like my ex" means "Don't do anything remotely needy sounding", it also means "I'm not with my ex because I am a selfish shit".

CassettesAreCool I’m not normally that bothered but it’s been a whole week and I know he’s just been chilling and will be chilling and could make some effort.

omzlas
I know it was stupid but I didn’t go away on the Friday like we meant to as wanted to see if I was better and went later on the Saturday as was feeling better. I kind of knew that I might feel worse after but I don’t get much opportunity to go away and it’s rare to have a childfree weekend, lots of factors made me weigh it up and choose to go.
When you have a chronic condition it’s sometimes about pacing yourself and sometimes just thinking fuck it, I want to have the fun. I spend a huge amount of time just lying on the sofa or struggling to function with daily life. I just need to feel normal sometimes and throw caution to the wind. It’s a very complex balancing act and I’m not ready to completely give up. I say no to so many social events and it makes me very depressed.

people who say 'you're not like other girls,' 'you're not like my ex' are very clearly sending the message that you are expected to stay within certain limits of acceptable behaviour.

Not sure I agree. I told my chap what my ex was like and do expect him to stay within certain limits of acceptable behaviour which is actually very easy to do, compared to my ex's behaviour. I think he's being honest about what works for him. OP can take or leave it

And the ‘not like other girls’ vibe has been slightly niggling me for a while, maybe a little red flag I’ve been ignoring...

loveonthewall yes he’s been very clear from day one about this and treats me beautifully. I don’t make any demands because I don’t need to , I did in early days when setting what I felt to be a very firm boundary but other than that I’ve been working out stuff myself and trying to ascertain whether my feelings are valid or based in past hurts.
It’s very hard for me to trust my judgement and I have been prone to huge anxiety and overreacting in the past so I have been treading more carefully which is probably partially what’s elicited this ‘praise’ from him.

Funny he’s said he misses me too much and is coming over. Ha. Not sure what to make of the whole thing really....

I think you're probably overthinking it OP. Relax and enjoy his visit

loveonthewall , I’m a classic overthinker, it’s very annoying and draining, especially when I can’t always trust my own thinking.
I’m on the waiting list for therapy tho.
Fingers crossed

Takes one to know one dragon 😉. Look after yourself x

I'd be a little miffed he didn't ask if you needed anything as he really wasn't doing much other than watching tv.

Hope he isn't just coming over for a shag?

That he hasn't used any of his spare time (and I know he has plans) to try and see you is a bit off for me. A phone call? FaceTime?

pissedonatrain ! Ha! Are you in my house????
No he didn’t ask if I needed anything and yes we did shag and now he’s asleep.......
Hmmm......

loveonthewall thank you, and you.

AsleepAllDay we rarely do phone calls and never done FaceTime. Tbh I hate talking on the phone but he’s a prolific phoner. He’s very popular and gets a lot of calls and messages. His phone is constantly beeping whereas I switch all my notifications off, I can’t stand it!

Oh dear, I would be wary OP. Sounds like he came over for a shag.

Btw why were you able to shag even though you're unwell?

bookshopsally
I have a pretty high sex drive and haven’t seen him for the best part of a week. Bizarrely I’m often more horny when I have fluey thing, all my nerve endings are super sensitive. We were lying down watching Louis Theroux and one thing led to another. It wasn’t athletic sex, more a kind of reunion shag, quick and functional...
I have to be on death’s door before I lose the urge to shag. Or to eat. I’m not the type of person who sheds pounds when they’re poorly (sadly).
We do other things than shag though, it’s pretty balanced in terms of shared pursuits and things we do apart from each other.