Too needy? Ill and probably need some perspective

[dragonflyflew]

So I’ve posted about this guy before, he’s lovely and fun and affectionate and very loving etc. We have only been together approx six months and don’t live in the same town.
I was poorly last week, flu/gastric type thing and managed a resurgence at the weekend (against my better judgement but didn’t want to miss out on two events on consecutive weekends so forced myself) and we had a great time away together with some of his friends even tho was still poorly having to rush to loo etc. I was ready to sleep long before him and could see this was conflicting for him although he didn’t complain...
Then I got home and by Tuesday I had crashed again and felt really crappy. He has been on early shifts all week so finished in the afternoons and is going away to a festival this weekend.
Throughout this week he’s sent loving messages, how he feels bad all his commitments are keeping him away from me when I’m poorly etc.
He had a footy match to watch on Tuesday eve then was supporting a friend weds eve which ended unexpectedly early so he went home to watch another game.
Says he’s tied up with all the prep for this weekends festival so can’t see me tonight (or indeed this arvo) as has work in the morning and doesn’t want to be tired for the weekend’s partying.

I have disabilities and any bug really takes it out of me so have been really struggling with work, kids etc.
He’s mentioned on a few occasions how demanding his ex was and how lovely that I’m refreshingly not needy.
This week I feel particularly needy and shit. The kids are at their dads now and I’m fucked and poorly. He sent a message saying he misses me and I’m thinking well you have had plenty of opportunity to see me but you have your ‘commitments’ so I haven’t really said anything other than being a bit short with him and told him I’m used to looking after myself so crack on and do your thing.
But I feel a bit sad, and not sure if it’s cos I’m at a low ebb.
I have these chronic conditions and I’m prone to catching everything going.
This week feels like a glimpse into our future , I don’t think I could ever lean or depend on him....
Is he a fair weather boyfriend or am I being too dramatic and diva-ish expecting him to drop everything to come and comfort me even if just for a couple of hours?

The best shags are hungover ones. Orgasms are soothing so I think an ill-health shag is perfectly feasible

You say you're self dependent and not needy and he likes that about you...I don't see an issue. He probably thought you would prefer to take care of yourself whilst ill rather than be coddled. But then you both got horny and the rest is history 😁

I like Onemans take 👍🏻

how lovely that I’m refreshingly not needy.

Everyone has needs that need to be meet this is a natural function of relationships.
He is priming you to not ask him for anything or Male any demands.

Combined with the fact he doesn’t seem to have done that much “caring” and I am going to say it’s a bit of a red flag.

Don’t get too invested

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse I’m going to start asking for more things I want/need and see what happens. I’m über self sufficient so I never do, it’s something I struggled with since forever .
He does lots of nice things for me and I have asked him to help with specific jobs and he does. I partly don’t ask too much as he lives a fair bit away and we don’t see each other often so most of the focus is on fun together... but I’m definitely aware and more ‘woke’ after this week.

loveonthewall yes it is soothing and so nice to share and have all the snuggles after. He did make some quip about not being able to make me better but bringing cuddles and emotional support...
I was a bit sarky about the emotional support. I did offload a lot of the week’s stress onto him and he was a good listener but it hurts to talk too much so I asked if we could just watch something and snuggle.

onemansoapopera yes that makes sense. I would like the chance to be a bit needy tho sometimes...
I was fully disabled for a period during my marriage. Exh did everything for me and I had to submit to it as had no choice but then I started getting better and he hated me getting my independence back. Plus discovered he was lying throughout the marriage and I felt he was dependent on my being incapacitated...
Since becoming single I’ve met a lot of guys who preyed on my disabilities by trying to make themselves indispensable and doing jobs and favours for me in order to infiltrate themselves into my life and home. And then throw it back in my face if I challenged them on anything. So it’s made me very wary of do gooders.
This guy isn’t like that but has done me favours when I’ve asked (mainly practical stuff including giving the best part of a day to flatpack furniture).

This whole "needy" thing is a red flag. As a pp said, everyone has needs. You have built barriers around you in the past which is a completely natural form of self protection to protect you from feeling pain or hurt- maybe you experienced that in the distant past, I don't know- but it certainly sounds like you've experienced challenges in your life. You are strong in many ways and see yourself as independent because that's been your modus operandi. But ultimately, any real authentic relationship will have to involve you being able to be fully vulnerable with another person. That means feeling able to tell anything and not feel judged- tell them when you feel insecure, want affection etc. If the relationship is true then he will accept your feelings 100%.

The fact that you came on here to express your worries rather than tell him directly speaks volumes, and you should be aware. You are still not being vulnerable or feeling able to fully open up to this man (and it sounds like your subconscious knows it not safe to do so), so the sex is really not important, and is just another example of him having his wants and needs met.
The sex sounds nice at the time for you, fair enough, but don't read into it that it means you're "back on track".

I think your therapy you are waiting for will really help you understand your pattern of behaviour in relationships.

BookshopSally amazing. Thank you. I 100% agree with you. I find it very hard to express my needs but I’m trying. I think I find it hard with this guy because of the geographical distance too, there never seems a safe space in which to discuss things as it’s always short periods of time together. If we do get a whole weekend it’s filled with enjoyment and pleasure and going places etc. It’s pretty clear we are unlikely to ever develop into cohabitation or anything much more than we have now due to our respective very separate lives so I think I’ve also felt it’s pointless asking for too much as it’s not going to be sustainable ...
I come on here to talk things through as most of my friends are very forgiving of guys and I always seem to be the one who challenges and disagrees and expects more whereas my real life friends just tell me it’s fine and to chill etc. They put up with stuff I’d never countenance!

Well hopefully he'll get the bugs you've been willingly exposing both him and others to. Gastric bugs and flu are so sexy.

Mother of feminists? I don’t think so!
Anyway, I think he’s immune, his son has had it for the same amount of time as me as have some of his colleagues and he certainly hasn’t shown any signs yet. And he is an adult and has clearly shown that he is more than capable of choosing how and where he spends his time and what he exposes himself to.
As for willingly exposing myself? Wtf?!
Seriously, I have a compromised immune system. I’m ill a lot. What a thoughtless and stupid comment. You think we should all be in purdah when we’re ill?
Do you expect me to remain in isolation and segregate myself for the duration of this illness? What about the children I live with who are exposed to me every day? And the adults and children I might bump into at school drop off and collection and what about my colleagues on the days when I was still trying to get better and work?
What about if I was married? Would I have to be quarantined to another part of the house so I don’t ‘willingly’ infect my husband/ wife? Or is it only single mums who aren’t allowed company and support when poorly?

It's irresponsible to go out when infectious because (as you'll know if you're immuno-compromised yourself) some people can be made very ill by the selfishness of others. D&V could kill someone vulnerable. You sound very entitled and selfish.

I think I find it hard with this guy because of the geographical distance too...It’s pretty clear we are unlikely to ever develop into cohabitation or anything much more than we have now due to our respective very separate lives

You talk about this as if it's an inconvenient barrier to you being able to show vulnerability to this man. However you elected to get involved with him knowing about the distance. You chose this barrier. I think it's about you subconsciously choosing partners who may be "unobtainable" for whatever reason, as this works for your comfort zone and keeps you feeling safe that you will never have to reveal your true self to them. But this pattern is more likely to mean your relationships will always end as they cannot move into the next (vulnerable/authentic) stage.

Oh there is nothing worse when you are not well and your dh is being a dick, my sympathy op.

Mother of feminists . Odfod... seriously, entitled? How do you suggest I run a household, work, shop, bank, visit the gp, collect my meds and look after school age children if I can’t leave the house?
Am I not entitled to fresh air? Social interaction?
I’m not fortunate enough to have a brigade of supportive family, friends and partner to do it all for me when I’m ill and unfortunately I can’t always predict when I am going to catch something and I don’t always know if a simple cold is going to turn into something worse.
Suggesting I might kill someone with d&v?! Try living in the real world, I cannot down tools every time I’m ill. I need to work to keep a roof over my head and feed my children and to pay for my medication. I also can’t expect my poor kids to stay home with me every time I’m ill. I’m neither selfish nor entitled.

Thatsalovelycuppatea thank you it’s frustrating isn’t it. I have to come to terms with others’ limitations I guess and decide whether I can put up with it. When I’m poorly I just want a bit of love, comfort and sympathy. The rest of the time I’m happy getting on with my life which is full and rewarding.
bookshopsally you’re brilliant, do you do this for a job?
Funny enough I turned him down a few times specifically because of the geographical distance but he was in my town one day and we met for a coffee and for ages I just saw him asa bit of fun and that nothing serious would or could ever happen and I was quite happy with this but then something changed between us and we became a couple.
I tend to feel more vulnerable when I’m ill and that’s when my mental health issues start coming into play.
You’re absolutely spot on about my comfort zone, relationships often leave me feeling exposed and unsafe...
Bizarrely I know that were we to split up I’d be able to get on with my life with minimal upset or pain, although I love his company etc I haven’t invested that heavily in the relationship. I look forward to seeing him and miss him when we’re apart but I think deep down I know it’s unlikely to progress to anything more than what we have now.
I don’t want a man in order to care for me, I want someone who will enhance my life and who I can have fun with ,dates and great sex and he gives me all of that plus cerebrally he’s interesting and challenging and we can have some great debates, politics, gender, feminism, we talk a lot about our relationship and previous experiences, expectations etc and are mainly on the same page.
Conversely I have been with ‘needy’ guys and I really struggle with it, I like people who are self contained and confident and independent although I’d always be there for a friend or lover who needs support. He portrays himself very much as someone who’d do anything for anyone but I feel he’s created a bit of a wall around himself when it comes to women , based on his relationships I kind of understand it but I don’t know if I want to be the one who is on the receiving end of his new ‘take no shit’ persona!

doesn’t want to be tired for the weekend’s partying
Well that's you told then eh?

What he's basically saying is that he only wants you for a good time, on his terms and when he wants to.
He's using the 'needy' label to manipulate you into accepting shitty behaviour from him.
It's perfectly normal to feel more 'needy' when you're ill and still have to get on with being a single parent.

Dump him.

SavingSpaces2019 when you put it like that....
So many quandaries at play. Prior to meeting him I’d decided I don’t want a relationship anymore as too much hassle and too many demands on my time and energy etc and now here I am, in a relationship wondering whether I can make any demands on someone else! Ridiculous!

Actions speak louder than words. That expression could have been written for your post!
Did he know that you have health problems when you got together? It sounds like it's getting between you now, and he's not up to stepping up in these situations. 6 months is very early on for him to take on a nurturing role, and perhaps he wants something more casual than you.
I would focus on your recovery, as that's the most important thing here. I hope you feel better soon.

Dieu yes he knew before we got together and always listens and says nice things but I can sense he’s not that interested in my condition.
He talks about us as a long term thing and has forward planned various events for us and appears committed in all he says but yes, actions do speak louder than words. He’s been married a few times and it genuinely does appear that he was the main career/nurturer and got badly burned. I’ve met some of his exes so can see how it could be true, two exes are still pretty dependent on him for various things including practical and emotional support and it almost feels like I arrived too late to the party as his altruistic loyalties are used up elsewhere with people who’ve been around a lot longer than me.
It’s also very clear that having been the person to carry these relationships and marriages in the past has caused him to do a lot of introspection and research etc into his character and why these things keep happening to him and from everything he’s told me I can see that he has defences up and is scared of getting used or hurt again and unfortunately I’m the person on the other side of his defence.
I don’t want to try and break them down or anything. If it doesn’t come naturally I don’t want to force it or issue ultimatums as it’s not fair on him.
This past week and his being away now affords me a LOT of thinking time. I’ve achieved a lot practically this weekend without having to make time for lots of hedonism with him and I’ve also been able to get really objective about this relationship and about where I stand.
I’m going to remain quietly observant whilst also remembering he’s a bit of a fair weather friend and I will find other ways to fulfill my needs and ensure that I’m doing what I need to do for me and my kids and my health before making time for him.
There might come a point where I decide I cba with him but atm he’s a nice guy and lots of fun which is where we started: originally I had him pegged as someone purely for fun but as we got to know each other he of course became more than one dimensional and as well as the fun is cerebrally fulfilling too...

Ps Dieu, thank you for your kind wishes

So... he’s back now. We haven’t spoken, just a few messages, he’s wiped out from three solid days partying and where I’d normally be desperate to see him if we’ve had a break from each other I actually feel a bit meh
He’s been pretty good at communicating whilst away, lots of pics of him and his mates and relaying how wrecked everyone is and how much fun they’re having.
I thought it’s sweet he wanted to keep updated and stay in contact which is reassuring but at the same time it’s one of those ‘you had to be there’ type scenarios.
I have been very busy (9only just stopped working at 1130pm! So not had time to gush about his amazing time and how much I’ve missed him etc.
This weekend and last week and this thread have really given me pause for thought! Amazing what some space can do (plus a few issues around attachment, self esteem and rejection )