Anyone fancy a bit of armchair psychology?

[Moralitym1n1]

Is there a name for someone's behaviour when they regularly, apparently compulsively pick arguments with family members and 'friends'.

They usually do this by phone but can just as easily do so in person.

Their opener will usually be "you know have a bone to pick with you" or "cannot raise something with you that's been bothering me", or else some broaching of an issue of their belief that someone had something in their psyche/behaviour that needs analysed.

During the discussion they seem compelled to get a reaction from the other person, even if the reaction is anger; they cannot stop until the other person is upset/angry. These discussions usually result in fall-outs. The person has fallen out with pretty much everyone in her life/circle at one point or another. With family members, due to their desire for a relationship (of their mum's desire for them a to have a relationship) the person falls out with the others in a sort of round robin and invariably has a major fallout with at least one person at any time (usually more).

The fall outs must (?) cause them some stress but they never stop or change.

They are also much more common when the person has had some drinks, which they now have an issue with (but the behaviour was always there).

Any amateur psychologists have an idea if there is a name for this or what it might fit under, as such?

• can i

An obnoxious pain in the arse?

It's called being really argumentative and having issues.

Why are you trying to pathologise it?

I suspect the drink problem has been going on for longer than you realise and this was mostly fueled by drink - you just didn't realise they had been drinking.

Sorry, just to clarify the family members thing; it's because of the desire/pressure to maintain a relationship with the person, that they stay in contact/go back for more and therefore it becomes a round-robin of fall-outs. With non family members the people on the receiving end usually just drop out if contact.

I suspect the drink problem has been going on for longer than you realise and this was mostly fueled by drink - you just didn't realise they had been drinking.

I'm close enough to know when they became alcohol department; they were an adult for a reasonable length of time before that, and their behaviour was exactly the same. Drinking just seems to make it (even) worse.

• dependant

It’s called a twat.

Not everything needs a fancy label.

Have they had a difficult childhood, even in a quiet way? If you do, your oxytocin (love and bonding) and cortisol (stress) release patterns can get interlinked and the closer you get to others the more stress you feel and the more you start arguments or try to break the relationship down or make it chaotic. Just a thought.

There are many reasons someone might behave that way. There could be some "psychology" to it, but they could also just be unpleasant. What was their childhood like? What is their general self-esteem like? They sound self-destructive, with the relationship problems and the drinking. But if you really want to, you can find an excuse for pretty much anything using psychology. Just because something "fits" doesn't mean it's true.

Have they had a difficult childhood, even in a quiet way?

Both our parents can be quite stress inducing in different ways.
This sibling became a delinquent, for lack of a better word, as soon as they reached teenage years. Then the clashes with our parents escalated.

The rest of us find them stressful but did not go through a delinquent phase (we I had a minor, very hidden one ) and none of the rest of us do this argument/drama picking & fall-outs thing.

(Obviously that doesn't mean that couldn't be her reaction while ours is not).

(them meaning our parents).

What is their general self-esteem like?

It seems very low.
They imply that themselves sometimes.

What is their general self-esteem like?

It seems very low.
They imply that themselves sometimes.

I can only say that if you feel unworthy, or not good-enough, if you feel that the people around you are better than you, or too nice, or too good, perhaps too understanding and apologetic, sometimes, the easiest thing to do is to deliberately provoke them. To try and stir up an ugly burst of temper so they don't look so saintly in your eyes, or so that when they criticise you or say they they're done with you, you can tell yourself it's because you argued, or because you did "X,Y,Z", and not because of who you really are as a person (which is what you secretly fear). A pre-emptive strike, or a test, to see how much they really care; how much they are willing to forgive.

My mum was like this a good deal of the time. I haven't seen her for 2 years and feel so much better. My therapist at the time suggested she may possibly have BPD (borderline personality disorder, now called emotionally unstable personality disorder I think?) although that was partly based on stuff I told her about what my mum was like when I was growing up.

If you want to go deeper than just a label, you could subscribe to the 'negative attention is better than no attention' school of thought, or that some people were raised so steeped in drama and upset that they NEED it they way others need air. They are creating the surroundings and the situations that make them feel safe and that everything is normal and as it should be. It's just that, for most people that is a noxious swirling shitstorm of toxic awfulness. But maybe the person needs and wants that - subconsciously, of course. It feels like home.

They could also be on the spectrum and have little grasp of how they are coming across or the upset they cause with their 'little chats'. Or a combination of that and the above mentioned stuff. People are fucked up in all sorts of ways. All you can do is distance yourself from awful people and not take any of their shit, and be understanding with the people you genuinely love who are more good than bad.

Argumentative / aggressive / socially inept / projection / hypocritical or hypercritical / bullying / passive aggressive. Some of those?

Likes to pick fights and win them. Relationship skills sound to be lacking. Inability to change therefore must be innate. Addictive behaviours. Self-deprecating. An element of 'black sheep' in the family / not understood. Frustrated with their life. Possible jealousy issues. Perhaps other siblings adapted to stressful parents, by not causing a fuss.

In all honesty, the more I understand about mental health, the more I think it is a combination of:

a. the person with all their wiring
b. their environment
c. how much self understanding / actualisation they have

So in your brothers case perhaps he has some issues that mean he has difficulties relating socially, lacks positive strategies and has pathological behaviours, and has no insight, because he is stuck in the cycle of crises in his relationships.

Sorry but you did ask for armchair psychology!

There is a whole load of information online about personality disorders.

Would focusing on supporting family members to end the calls when he is like that, and encouraging him to seek therapy, help?

^rhubard mentioned being on the spectrum, I have a family member like this and would say they are definitely on the spectrum.

You cannae change someone, boundaries are everything.

Morality siblings can be affected differently because of underlying disposition. So for example someone who was naturally very sensitive would experience emotional neglect and stress in a more damaging way... it goes 'deeper' inside them

My ex did this. It felt sometimes like he needed the drama and he really seemed to enjoy it. It was a relentless cycle of lovey doviness, big fight over some imagined insult, silent treatment (probably to give him the chance to shag other women), then making up and it would start all over again. I’m not saying he was a narcissist as such, but he did have a lot of narc tendencies.

Attention seeking arsehole?

An antagonistic goady pain in the neck seems to fit the bill.

I have a family member that creates drama constantly. She has done this for decades and I am intrigued to know why so following.

I have a family member who does this; she has emotionally unstable personality disorder. She thinks everyone is against her and will overthink things that weren’t meant in any way to offend her but somehow do. She also likes to label other people with various disorders.

@Rabbiting0n

If it's to see how much people will take forgive; its not going well for her (may a well be more specific, it's a sister) as some family members have been pushed beyond their (considerable) tolerance and she had lost ant normal semblance of a relationship with them. Of course in her eyes this is mainly or completely their fault.

*take or forgive