Anyone fancy a bit of armchair psychology?

[Moralitym1n1]

Is there a name for someone's behaviour when they regularly, apparently compulsively pick arguments with family members and 'friends'.

They usually do this by phone but can just as easily do so in person.

Their opener will usually be "you know have a bone to pick with you" or "cannot raise something with you that's been bothering me", or else some broaching of an issue of their belief that someone had something in their psyche/behaviour that needs analysed.

During the discussion they seem compelled to get a reaction from the other person, even if the reaction is anger; they cannot stop until the other person is upset/angry. These discussions usually result in fall-outs. The person has fallen out with pretty much everyone in her life/circle at one point or another. With family members, due to their desire for a relationship (of their mum's desire for them a to have a relationship) the person falls out with the others in a sort of round robin and invariably has a major fallout with at least one person at any time (usually more).

The fall outs must (?) cause them some stress but they never stop or change.

They are also much more common when the person has had some drinks, which they now have an issue with (but the behaviour was always there).

Any amateur psychologists have an idea if there is a name for this or what it might fit under, as such?

Also there's definitely something with feeling inferior and wanting to not feel that way and 'prive' others are as bad or worse.

@RhubarbTea

It may also be the best I've attention is better than no attention aspect. When doing these .. confrontations, is the best word I can think of, she seems utterly determined to get a reaction; it almost seems like she wants anger and upset and drama from the other person. She has left my more sensitive sister in tears several times. Other times this sister's partner had cut her off (on the phone) when it became clear how things were planning out. He had heard it so many times as have the other two partners in our family. They universally detest her (and she detests them, esp one whom she overheard on the phone telling his partner to cut her off).

*bad attention

*panning

She genuinely doesn't to appear to get that he's sick of hearing his wife being harangued, wound up and upset; she thinks he's in the wrong, is extemely offended & holds a grudge against him.

Her: "can I raise something with you that's been bothering me"

Everyone else: "No."

Maybe try and stop her dead in her tracks.

some people were raised so steeped in drama and upset that they NEED it they way others need air. They are creating the surroundings and the situations that make them feel safe and that everything is normal and as it should be.

I fully get what you're saying here, but looking back - while my parents are can definitely be very stress inducing - there was little or no drama, shouting, conflict etc. until her teenage years when all the clashes started happening between her and my parents. It went on from maybe 13/14 at the earliest until shortly before her 18th birthday when she moved out/was told to move out when our house got wrecked in a house party, the neighbour's phoned the police etc she organised while us younger ones were on holiday with our parents (she'd asked to be left behind).

@StCharlotte

If that worked, we'd have been doing it years ago .

She would come at it from a different angle, 15 times if she needed to. The only way to stop he'd would be to out the phone down. If you said you didn't want to talk about she'd make the argument about the fact that you didn't want to to talk about it and the issues that you gave that cause you not to want to talk about it etc.

Isnt there a monty python sketch with John Cleese like that - guaranteed argument .

A 13/14 year old having arguments with parents is not unusual nor is breaking rules in teen years.

What do you want - to help reconcile or close the door?

*Argumentative / aggressive / socially inept / projection / hypocritical or hypercritical / bullying / passive aggressive. Some of those?

Likes to pick fights and win them. Relationship skills sound to be lacking. Inability to change therefore must be innate. Addictive behaviours. Self-deprecating. An element of 'black sheep' in the family / not understood. Frustrated with their life. Possible jealousy issues. Perhaps other siblings adapted to stressful parents, by not causing a fuss.

In all honesty, the more I understand about mental health, the more I think it is a combination of:

a. the person with all their wiring
b. their environment
c. how much self understanding / actualisation they have

So in your brothers case perhaps he has some issues that mean he has difficulties relating socially, lacks positive strategies and has pathological behaviours, and has no insight, because he is stuck in the cycle of crises in his relationships.*

It's a sister.
She's not otherwise argumentative. It's entirely around these confrontations about what someone had said/do e that had offended her or that what she thinks their issues are etc. She rarely gas strong opinions about anything else and died not argue about general things. Her communication style is fairly one way anecdotes and what she has done/is doing it can sometimes be hard getting a word in or getting a two-way conversation. She shoes some awareness of this sometimes and fires a 'what about you ..' question at you, but will go back to talking about herself quite quickly.

She is only socially inept in that way; talking about herself to excess; but that can be not very noticeable in a social; situation where people tend to talk about themselves and their experiences. She tried to be funny and charming and sometimes pulls it off. She seems to pride herself on being charming and getting favours from people; I'm sure most see through it quickly.

She is definitely hypocritical and hypercritical. She has absolutely no apparent send awareness about her own less than stellar behaviour but is extremely critical and intolerant of every little thing other people do 'wrong' or their bad points. Sometimes the hypocrisy is do severe it's actually funny, Ive had trouble not guffawing.

She is kind of the black sheep and had said in more genuine, upset moments that she feels everyone has a low opinion of her etc.
Problem is it's mainly because she keeps picking fights with people and having extended fallings out, it's a vicious circle but she can't seem to stop, it seems compulsive.

To answer one if your other points, yes she seems to have a compulsive/addictive personality. If shed ever gotten to hard drugs I think we might have lost her years ago

Personality disorder?

BPD can cause problems with depression, alcohol and interpersonal relationships.

A 13/14 year old having arguments with parents is not unusual nor is breaking rules in teen years

Of course it's not. Have I been so wordy my point was obscured? I was answering the theory of a childhood/upbringing where conflict & drama was the norm ... My answer was that it was not, during childhood; only from 13 ish onwards.

If she has a possible disorder - I want to know if and how it could helped. Whether it is ever successful.

The drinking is one thing but this - how is this solved. It causes perpetual stress in our family and it must be damaging her to some extent. She's lost 2 out of 3 relationships with her sisters now, to some extent. She can't maintain friends. She's going to lose, one way or another, her job (12 hours but still) due to a clash with her boss, now in a tribunal. She won't go back even if she wins, which I doubt she will. She's had fall-outs and issues at pretty much every workplace.

You can't help her unless she truly wants to change

This is not your responsibility

You might look into roles adopted by children in dysfunctional families

www.wiseword.org/pg/dysfunctional_family_roles

I would also say this sounds like a personality disorder. Personality disorder tends to arise from loss or rejection, not conflict. Perhaps there's something in the family history you don't know about? You say she's the black sheep, but could she be a scapegoat? Personality disorder is notoriously hard to treat, fwiw.

I must say I find some of the replies a bit harsh.

I must say I find some of the replies a bit harsh.

And this isn't even Aibu.

Some mners seem to really take advantage of this being an anonymous online forum to speak to people in a way I have my doubts they'd do irl. I've they did, they'd be told to fk off about 20 times a day 😁.

I will look into personality disorders, particularly die to rejection and the dysfunctional families/roles as well. Thanks for the input everyone.

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