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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says if no sex for 2/3 days then there must be a problem.

43 replies

FancyMango · 02/05/2019 09:11

Is this normal? Usually I'd be up for it 2/3 times a week but there has been a few problems in our relationship lately which has caused a bit of negative feeling which has impacting on our sex life. His statement on if we've not had sex for 2/3 days then there must be a problem has put me under immense pressure to keep him happy.

For context, I've got an 18 month old too who isn't sleeping great at the moment, plus a full time job and some other personal issues aside from our relationship. How do I stop feeling under this immense pressure?

OP posts:

Mistybee · 02/05/2019 09:13

What does he to do make you feel “in the mood” for sex with him?

Baloonphobia · 02/05/2019 09:13

Tell him to fuck off.

Baloonphobia · 02/05/2019 09:14

Sorry, I'm having a bad morning. Pregnancy rage.

sar302 · 02/05/2019 09:14

By getting rid of him, because he's an arsehole. Any man that is happy to pressure, guilt, or coerce their partner into sex, doesn't deserve to have a partner. I'm sorry you're going through this.

RatherBeRiding · 02/05/2019 09:14

Well there obviously IS a problem - maybe more than one - as you say yourself. How to solve it? Talk about it rather than "giving in" to coercive sex!

If he doesn't like it, tough. Why should one partner's sex drive take precedent over the other's? You both need to agree on how often etc and if there are problems affecting your sex drive then you need to resolve them together.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 02/05/2019 09:15

In his made up rules. Meanwhile, back in the real world life does effect sex and there’s nothing less sexy than pressure for sex or doing it because you have to and not because you want to.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 02/05/2019 09:15

Oh, gawd, another sex pest! And of course, there are always 'problems in our relationship' with these guys because they are inherently selfish, immature individuals who feel entitled to sex (and usually other things).

You stop feeling under pressure by telling him, 'I'm not a wank sock'.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/05/2019 09:15

Nope not normal! 2/3 times a month If your lucky in this household with a toddler and both working full time!

That being said any decrease in what is normal amounts for sex for your as a couple does often indicate something is wrong......but he should talk about it with you rather than act like a child who isn't getting his own way!

KateTTC123 · 02/05/2019 09:15

He is talking rubbish. If DH and I have sex once a week then we are doing well! At the moment I'm 38 weeks pregnant and we've DTD maybe 3 times since we conceived!
Sex is only fun and healthy if both people are up for it. If you aren't feeling it as much just now then that's fine and part of the natural ebb and flow of a long term relationship. Pressure on you to have sex is pretty much the least sexy thing he can do.
He needs to grow up, take a long shower and understand that you are human and your sex drive isn't always going to be the same at all times.

Grumpyoldblonde · 02/05/2019 09:16

Well he's kind of right there's a problem as you say yourself the relationship has been under pressure. Are the problems ongoing? You don't have sex to keep someone happy, or appease them.

newtlover · 02/05/2019 09:18

OP It's not your job to keep him happy
He's a grown man, he has to keep himself happy
You shouldn't be feeling this immense pressure

Kedgeree · 02/05/2019 09:19

He's right, there is a problem - it's him. Try saying to him that he's a crap lover and that's why you don't want to have sex with him. Tell him he needs to upskill himself then try again. Sex isn't just "in out shake it all about", he needs to be a loving seducer who woos you. As things stand he's just a sex pest and that's a bit yuck.

BogglesGoggles · 02/05/2019 09:19

Well there is a problem. You’re tired.

Yummymummycupcake · 02/05/2019 09:21

You've said yourself that there are problems. There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex and he has to respect that, but he's allowed to wonder what the reasons may be of this is out of the ordinary for the both of you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/05/2019 09:23

All these sex pest men! Urghhh!

Original poster

FancyMango · 02/05/2019 09:26

I find it hard to be in the mood. He is miserable a lot. He's suffering with anxiety and paranoid thoughts. He's not the happy person I met so I find it hard to be in the mood around someone who just isn't happy with life.

I'm generally a happy person and I feel he is bringing my mood down. We have talked about it a lot and nothing seems to change. He potentially is a bit happier with me if he thinks he's in with a chance and then straight after he's back to being miserable. I have told him I've just gone along with it before because I thought it would keep him happy and cause less problems than saying I'm not in the mood and being accused of all the reasons why I don't feel like it.

He then said he doesn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to but I've told him for months I feel under pressure for how much he wants it. He constantly thinks im up to no good and I've never given him a reason not to trust me. I've told him that it's the build up for me, that we need to be good, normal, have a laugh and just enjoy life. That's the way I get in the mood.

He is getting CBT but he's not really followed their advise. I've asked him to speak to a doctor in case there is something else going on.

OP posts:

EmptyOrchestra · 02/05/2019 09:48

How can you live like this? We have toddlers - we literally hadn’t had sex in a year until last week, and we’ve had sex 2-3 times a day for the last week because I’m finally in the mood for it. I wouldn’t be in the mood ever if he was a sulky twat about it, or if I’d been forcing myself to have sex I didn’t want to make him happy - that’s a great shortcut to feeling repulsed by your partner at the best of times

He needs to grow the fuck up. Stop allowing him to dictate when you’re supposed to want sex - tell him that his sulking is only turning you off more, and if he wants you to be into the idea of sex he needs to actually get you in the mood, not guilt or coerce you into it.

2-3 days?! What a prick.

ReganSomerset · 02/05/2019 09:55

Agree with @emptyorchestra. I haven't been in the mood since I got pregnant last summer! Sex isn't a chore to be done even if you don't feel like it, like washing the pots. You don't have to filll a sex quota FFS.

Original poster

FancyMango · 02/05/2019 10:00

Don't get me wrong I would love to have regular sex which I am actually in the mood for I just wish he wouldn't keep behaving this way which is putting me off. I know I'm going to have to put my foot down on this. Thanks for the comments.

OP posts:

SignedUpJust4This · 02/05/2019 10:04

If he went on a first date with someone and treated them the way he treats you would they want to have sex with them? Would he behave like that? Why does he just expect it from you? You have no obligation to have sex with someone who doesn't make an effort for you. Even if married.

Original poster

FancyMango · 02/05/2019 10:11

I don't know but I feel he doesn't see it the same as I do. It always goes back to "well if you don't want me, don't be with me". I do want to be with him, I just am incredibly stressed about my life.

We go out for meals, go away for weekends, he buys me flowers and that's when things are good. But the rest of the time he's in such a low mood or thinking negatively it causes arguments. I'm completely sleep deprived trying to work on broken sleep. I'm feeling very fragile at the moment. The constant having to reassurance is not a turn on for me.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 02/05/2019 10:13

What a dick. Why do you stay?

Original poster

FancyMango · 02/05/2019 10:18

I guess I'm in love with the him that he was when we first met. I want that back more than anything.

If we went to a relationship counselling would they explain to him that factors can influence sex drive? That his behaviour needs to be looked at? I'm just at my wits end.

OP posts:

Original poster

FancyMango · 02/05/2019 11:20

This whole situation is making me feel so sick.

OP posts:

PlinkPlink · 02/05/2019 11:39

You poor thing. I have been where you are. Its fucking awful.

Coercive sex is fucking awful.

The fact is your OH is doing this because he's a fucking prick. Ugh, your post gave me shivers - brought back some awful memories.

My ex used to sulk. He'd say there was something wrong if I didnt want to have sex as much as him, that it wasnt fair on him, that he was so frustrated, that he'd made an effort me so I should for him.
Then he started asking me to dress up, that he found sex without me in it boring from time to time.

I was suffering from depression. He didnt give a shit. He eventually strayed. Kissed another woman at a party. Then tried to meet more on online dating websites. I caught him out, the fucker.

I stayed with him for another 6 years 🙈🙈 fuck knows why. I was scared to be on my own, I think.

But this is how it went down.

I started enjoying my life and ignoring his sulking. I started spending more time doing the things I loved. I sorted out my head and I could see clearly that actually I was fucking miserable with him.

After I left, I looked back with even more clarity. He never really had my best interests at heart. People who love and respect each other dont coerce each other into sex. They just dont. They dont put pressure on. They dont make you feel guilty.

I dont think he is good for you. He certainly doesn't respect how you feel. And apparently his needs come before yours?

It's sickening and I hope you can see that this will not get better. It will get worse. Eventually you will become repulsed by him.

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