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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn't want contact with son if we split up

50 replies

Mum2one2019 · 01/05/2019 23:12

Hi, I'll give you some background to our relationship, we've been together for 12 years, almost 3 years ago I fell pregnant. Partner was not supportive throughout the pregnancy, he kept changing his mind whether he wanted to be involved or not, it was very stressful for me! Anyway since the day of our sons birth he has been a good dad, always playing with him, buying him stuff and just generally being the caring doting dad. The other day we had a big argument and I said I've had enough of the arguments and him belittling me so we should end it. His response was that he wouldn't see his son if we split up as he doesn't want to be a part time dad or part of a "broken" family. Apparently it would be my fault that he wouldn't see his son because I'm the one ending it. This left me heartbroken for my son. I went to see him today and he has calmed down but I just can't get over his morals or lack of. How can you raise and love your child for 2 years then turn your back on them? He says I have bad ethics and am selfish?? May I add we don't live together so he is effectively only a part time dad anyway. I'm just baffled, I know it will be hard to co parent, but surely that's better than having two parents together that argue. And surely leaving your son fatherless is worse than being a part time dad. I'm left with all the guilt as if it's all my fault.

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 01/05/2019 23:15

It sounds like an empty threat to me

caringdenise009 · 01/05/2019 23:26

He is trying to get you to back down by making you feel guilty. His next tactic will probably be to threaten to take custody. Do you have contact with his side of the family? Does he have other children already?

Inniu · 01/05/2019 23:31

If he could go that to his child you and your DS are much better off without him.
He will use that threat against you and against your DS when he is old enough.

Stick with your decision and leavr

C0untDucku1a · 01/05/2019 23:33

He is a dickhead.

FuriousVexation · 01/05/2019 23:33

I'm left with all the guilt as if it's all my fault.

Why would you feel guilty on his behalf? If he chooses to be a deadbeat dad, that's his lookout. He still has to pay maintenance whether he has contact or not.

Singlenotsingle · 01/05/2019 23:34

So what do his paternal dgps have to say about that? Shock

CanuckBC · 02/05/2019 02:36

I am sorry, but you don’t live together and he’s saying he doesn’t want to be a part time dad? How often does he see his son as it is?!? What an ass. It would be completely of his own making not yours. If you are regularly arguing and not getting along then it’s time to call it. It’s not worth being in a miserable existence.

Nothing he does is anyone else responsibility but that persons. Don’t feel guilty! Make what is the right decision for you!

BlackPrism · 02/05/2019 02:53

Any man who could cut contact with his son because we broke up is no father I would want in my child's life or boyfriend in mine.

DP and I have discussed and I know he would prefer an abortion if I fell pregnant. But he would sure as hell step up if he met a son or daughter of his. He is a good man, yours sadly appears not to be.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/05/2019 02:55

Definitely the next one will be that he threatens to go for custody.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

He just wants you to fall back into line so he continues with the best of all worlds. A part time father, a part time partner and looking like a fucking hero every time he buys his kid a toy.

Bin the cunt off.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 02/05/2019 06:44

Thank you for all your responses. Even though we don't live together, we work together so he sees him probably 4 days a week atm. I don't think he would file for custody and even if he did he wouldn't get it. I haven't spoken to his family about it, they live far away but I know his mum would be on my side and my family are very supportive and said he was very childish and selfish during my pregnancy. I agree with you all, I just needed another perspective. I know I shouldn't stay with him just for the sake or our son, I'm not happy with our relationship. Your right inniu, even 5 or 10 years down the line he will still use the same threat and I can't have a 10 year who is attached to his dad suddenly loss him at that age. He owes my parents money and myself, and he reckons he can't continue to work without me so the money will take longer to pay off. That pisses me off as I worked my ass off while pregnant so I could support myself and my son and he doesn't seem to acknowledge he has any responsibility to pay me back. Now I'm stuck into thinking I have to continue to work with him so I can get some money back for my parents and myself. Unfortunately I'm just too nice and get walken all over.

OP posts:
MyCatHogsTheBed · 02/05/2019 06:48

I think you're already being walked over. :(

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2019 06:53

He is feeding on your reactions. Try and distance yourself emotionally, so when he says things like that just calmly reply ' your choice', 'that's a shame', 'if that's what you want to do' etc.

He's trying to manipulate the situation so you carry all the responsibility. You have to push back and make clear he is the one making this happen.

Please don't stay with him- he won't change and you'll be wrestling with his antics forever.

allgoodinthehood · 02/05/2019 06:56

Its all a control thing. He is controlling you. Look at the freedom programme and you will see VERY clearly what he is doing.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 02/05/2019 06:58

Point out to him that it is HIS choice if he sees his son or not. HIS choice if he wants to be a shit dad or a good one. You are not standing in the way of that.

CKWattisthemanager · 02/05/2019 07:00

He just gets worse and worse OP. He is never going to become the person you want him to be (or should be for that matter). Get him gone now. The sooner you start, the sooner it can all get sorted for your son. Someone has to be the adult and it's not going to be him. You sound like a good Mum.
PyongYang has it right.

Thatnovembernight · 02/05/2019 07:03

I don’t think you’ve got anything to lose apart from the money you’re owed. I’d be tempted to mentally write that off. Can’t find the words to describe a father who doesn’t contribute to the upkeep of his child, doesn’t even live with him but doesn’t want to be a part time Dad?!?! He already is!
He sounds really horrible. The great news is, you aren’t married and you don’t even live together so no big changes to make there. Is there any chance you can change jobs to break free from him? If you’re working together it will be easy for him to wear you down.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/05/2019 07:21

He's already a part time Dad! And a shit one at that. Good men live with their children if they're in a relationship with the child's Mother!

What an arsehole he sounds. Fuck him! Do you want that kind of man showing your son how to be a man?

I wouldn't.

Mrsjayy · 02/05/2019 07:38

He really isn't the best dad as it is he is threatening you to control you how is that decent behaviour ?

If that is how he feels about his child do you really want a man like that around your son chuck him if you are not happy what he decides to do after that is on him not you.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 02/05/2019 09:57

I feel so horrible right now. My son spent this morning crying and having a huge tantrum and I don't really know why, maybe he's picking up on my feelings. He said he wants daddy. He didn't even want to go to preschool but had to take him as need some time to think. Honestly if that's his attitude I really can't stand for it, how can I be a loving and caring gf if I know he can drop us like that with no contact. I've had a quick look at the freedom programme and some of the characteristics of someone like that match up, however he can also be kind and caring and bend over backwards to help me and others so it's very confusing. He does blame me for his happiness or lack of and he has been hiding away in a depressive state since I said I wanted to end it. I'm made to feel guilty that he is depressed because I put so much pressure on him to be a dad. I know it takes two to make a baby, but apparently it's all on me?! Sorry I'm just venting now. I really don't know what I would do without your advice and help with this, I don't really want to tell me family and friends yet as I'm embarrassed and don't want them to hate him quite yet.

OP posts:
Prequelle · 02/05/2019 09:58

I wouldn't stay with someone who cares so little about his son that he wouldn't want him if you weren't there

What if you died, god forbid

llangennith · 02/05/2019 10:05

Your family would probably be pleased if you split up with this man. He's got the best of all worlds hasn't he? Part time boyfriend and father who doesn't take fully responsibility for anything. Your DS deserves better, even if you're prepared to be a doormat.

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2019 11:17

He's managing to spin this so he is the good guy, while actually being pretty much footloose and fancy free.
I bet he can go wherever he wants whenever, and know you have your son. I bet you have to plan and ask and he'll tell you whether he can or not.

It's easy to be nice and caring and fun when you are getting whatever you want. When he doesn't, then he sulks and pouts and throws his weight around.

I can't remember what you told us about money, does he contribute?

Honestly, if he bows out of your son's life it's no loss.

Mrsjayy · 02/05/2019 11:20

He is an overdramatic arsehole your energy would be best concentrating on you and your son he is either a fulltime dad or not

Cheekyfeckery · 02/05/2019 11:21

He’s an adult. You are not responsible for his happiness.

You meet the emotional needs of your child. He should do the same. If he chooses not to, that’s on him.

It isn’t ok for him to use his son to emotionally manipulate you.

ParkingIInPlainSight · 02/05/2019 11:23

Cut your losses, don't stay with him or him working with you so he'll pay your parents back. How would they feel about that. Move on.