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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want contact with son if we split up

50 replies

Mum2one2019 · 01/05/2019 23:12

Hi, I'll give you some background to our relationship, we've been together for 12 years, almost 3 years ago I fell pregnant. Partner was not supportive throughout the pregnancy, he kept changing his mind whether he wanted to be involved or not, it was very stressful for me! Anyway since the day of our sons birth he has been a good dad, always playing with him, buying him stuff and just generally being the caring doting dad. The other day we had a big argument and I said I've had enough of the arguments and him belittling me so we should end it. His response was that he wouldn't see his son if we split up as he doesn't want to be a part time dad or part of a "broken" family. Apparently it would be my fault that he wouldn't see his son because I'm the one ending it. This left me heartbroken for my son. I went to see him today and he has calmed down but I just can't get over his morals or lack of. How can you raise and love your child for 2 years then turn your back on them? He says I have bad ethics and am selfish?? May I add we don't live together so he is effectively only a part time dad anyway. I'm just baffled, I know it will be hard to co parent, but surely that's better than having two parents together that argue. And surely leaving your son fatherless is worse than being a part time dad. I'm left with all the guilt as if it's all my fault.

OP posts:

octonoughtcake3 · 02/05/2019 11:29

Seeing a child 4 days a week is different to parenting. I’m guessing he’s not there at 3 o’clock in the morning when your son is ill.

Does he pay any maintenance or money towards his child?

Your child will learn about how partners treat each other by watching you - what do you want him to grow up thinking is normal?

octonoughtcake3 · 02/05/2019 11:32

Your two year old is tantruming because he is two and that’s what they do.

From what you have described I would bet money that your friends and family will be overjoyed when you work out that your better off without him.

billybagpuss · 02/05/2019 11:44

Your response to him is quite simply 'its not my fault if you choose not to see your son, I have no intention of preventing access so what you choose to do is your own business' and 'My ethics are not in question here, you are the one choosing to not see your child'

Is he contributing?

You don't need him

Dvg · 02/05/2019 11:44

:S how can someone so obviously abandon there child like that? me and my husband could never turn our back on our son and have always said that if we break up then we MUST remain amicable for his sake and allow visitation whenever.

This is not your fault! relationships break up, it happens.. but he is using your child as a weapon to try and put blame on you when really it just shows him up to be ... a disgusting man.

Hearhere · 02/05/2019 11:50

He is deliberately heaping his guilt onto you
He is a manipulative piece of shit

Aprillygirl · 02/05/2019 12:00

Have you not pointed out to the idiot that a part time dad is exactly what he is right now?
And playing with your child and buying him things makes him sound more like a good uncle than a great dad. Does he contribute to the child's necessities-his clothes,food,the roof over his head. Did he take his turn with the night feeds when he was a baby? He is the selfish,unethical one if he would so easily walk out on his son's life.You can't stay with someone because they are blackmailing you. It will eat away at you and make you angry,resentful and depressed which would be awful for your son. Call his bluff and tell him to fuck right off,the manipulative cunt.

Original poster

Mum2one2019 · 02/05/2019 13:46

Grrr.. Just had an hour long conversation with him. Saying its my fault for breaking the family unit up and that we should stay together even if we are unhappy. He said he didn't see it coming and will always stay by me however I can't trust him now. What if he decides to leave later down the line? I would like to say OK we'll stay together but know he won't stick by his son if we split up is something I can't ignore. Anyway it's all my fault apparently and I'm walking away from the business and not being committed.

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2019 14:03

Don't get caught up in the long conversations- he's still trying to manipulate you. Don't give him the opportunity, just stick to a straightforward exchange of necessary information. You no longer have to listen to how he feels, what he wants, what he thinks.

BlackPrism · 02/05/2019 14:06

Stop listening to him, every word is a lie and a manipulation. He knows exactly how to play you.

PandorasWhiskers · 02/05/2019 14:18

What a manipulative dickweasel!

Original poster

Mum2one2019 · 02/05/2019 14:44

I know you're are right, and I can hear that when I'm talking to him especially when he says it's me stopping him from seeing his son. Honestly I don't feel upset for ending it, I don't feel the same love I once did, I still care for him though. I'm only really upset that he doesn't want to see his son. And it brings me to tears even thinking about it. But I can't stay in a relationship just so he will see his son, surely that's bonkers. The answer to whether he pays support, not really, he'll buy him clothes and some toys every now and again. I pay for most things, and the groceries. I live in social housing and my rent gets paid by the council, I can support myself financially so not worried too much about that although I'll have to find another job. He's messaged me asking if he should tell my parents that I have walked out on the business and family and if they would sell the truck they bought him to pay back the money he borrowed.

OP posts:

Dingowashisname0 · 02/05/2019 14:46

Why don’t you live together??

Branleuse · 02/05/2019 14:48

Hes told you quite clearly what sort of man he is. Id get your kid out while hes still young enough to forget

SignedUpJust4This · 02/05/2019 14:49

This is emotional blackmail. If he really does want to cut contact you are better doing it sooner rather than later. Don't let him guilt you into staying. He's the one being a selfish prick.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/05/2019 14:57

Am I missing something here You've been together 12 years but don't live together? Why is that?
I don't think it will ultimately be anymore confusing for you child than it already is

RomanyQueen1 · 02/05/2019 15:04

Tell him you'll never stop him seeing his son, that will be him. It's a shame that your ds will grow up without his father, but if that's the way he wants it.

cestlavielife · 02/05/2019 15:04

It s all talk.
Just say " ok your choice. "
End of.

Cheekyfeckery · 02/05/2019 15:06

He’s clutching at straws bringing his family into it.

He will chuck everything at you, and is taking no responsibility for it.

Is he setting a good example of how men threat women in relationships? I don’t think so.

MummyParanoia101 · 02/05/2019 15:13

You might not think this is a helpful thing to say, but I feel it's important to point out that this kind of thing does happen, tragically. My ex was a doting dad for 12 months then when we split - gone. Hasn't seen her since. 3.4 years later. So as f'ed up as it is, he may be serious.
I think you have choices to make now. I think your son deserves better

timeisnotaline · 02/05/2019 15:17

Reply I can tell my own parents, yes selling the truck is a good idea. (He wants you to feel terrible about him losing his truck and say oh no you don’t have to do that)

picklemepopcorn · 02/05/2019 15:23

Agree with Time.

Think of everything he says as lines in a play. He is currently playing the tragic, hard done by hero forced to give up everything by his heartless partner. Bollox. He's made all these choices himself.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/05/2019 22:53

OP it's so good that you've decided to get shut of him personally. You're basically a single parent anyway....just that you're sleeping with the Father of your child. That's not a relationship!

He's basically blackmailing you to sleep with him or he won't be your son's father.

GOOD RIDDANCE!

Original poster

Mum2one2019 · 03/05/2019 07:28

We used to live together then we went travelling for a couple of years so were living together then, then I fell pregnant and moved back in with my parents. I've had my own place for the last year and have been hesitant to let him move in or stay over. Honestly we don't actually sleep together, which I guess is another factor which has drifted us apart as there's no closeness. I do consider myself a single parent, I'm the one who makes up in the night with my son and gets up early, does bath and bed every single night. Doesn't really make a huge difference to me if we're not together and I think he knows that, it's just my son I'm worried about.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 03/05/2019 08:15

From what you've just said, you're not in a relationship anyway!

You don't live or sleep together and have separate finances despite sharing a child.

That's not a relationship. Did you know this anyway?

Bruisetooeasily · 03/05/2019 09:52

Similar situation here OP ex said same that he wanted nothing to do with dc if I were to spilt up with him.
He tried every manipulative tactic to force me to stay in a relationship that I knew wasn't even a relationship as like you we were not living together ,he was not providing any financial support whatsoever and it had got to the stage he 'd only see dc if I delivered them to his parents home where they could take charge.

He was telling the truth though as he really didn't want to parent his dc fullstop. I ended it and the manipulation continued including accusations that he didn't believe dc was even his /having dc gets in way of his social life. He even tried to stop gps from remaining in contact. The worst was him wanting dc put up for adoption.
He eventually moved away, dc were unaware for almost a year gps kept it a secret.

Two decades later dc have seen him handful of times by accident in gps home and still don't have a clue were he lives abroad. He played the ultimate victim by pinning his no contact on me
So be prepared Op for all sorts of shit but do not let your now exes reluctance to step up and parent stop you from getting on with your life.

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