I'm 33 and I don't share a bed with my DH

[patchisagoodpup]

DC are 8 and 4. DH and I do not share a bed. DC sleep with me. We've only got 2 bedrooms.

It's mainly my persuasion. I just don't fancy him. He works out, he's super fit, not bad looking. It mostly makes me feel worse about myself because I just don't get the time to do that. I'm fat and average. No idea whether he's seeing anyone else (though I suspect not as I've recently gone back to work and he's accommodated it to the point it being around more for DC) but to be honest I don't really care if he is either.

But I did sacrifice my career for the sake of his, and to look after the DC.

I suppose I feel like we should just stick together so I get a decent pay off. My pension is worth shit. It wouldn't be if I hadn't supported his career, spent the last few years raising his children.

It's just such a miserable, lifeless marriage.

Sometimes being a dm is so consuming there is no head space for a dp /dh.
But don't use your dc as a prop to keep him away. That is unfair on every one.
Maybe your dc in their own beds would help?
Worth a try surely if you intend to stay anyway?

That all sounds really depressing. Can you talk to him? Would you prefer to live separately?

At some point your children won't want to sleep with you and you'll have to do something to sort things out. Might that be better sooner rather than later?

It sounds as though you resent him for your giving up your job/career. Is it possible to get back into that?

You sound depressed I would go and have a chat with your GP your outlook on life is so grey for want of a better word

You are only 33 - you have decades of working life left to go, and also decades of your life to live without feeling resentful and chained to this man... you owe it to him as well as you if it really is that bad.

But you first may want to consider if there is something worth saving, if with work and therapy maybe you can rekindle things - it doesn't sound like there has been some schism, so that's really up to you. Does he have any idea how you are feeling?

Do you like your husband?

Don't be resigned to a half-hearted marriage, make an effort. Is hard for all couples, nobody falls in love and stays with that buzz for the next 50 years. You'll both be happier if you make more of an effort. You just need a step at a time. Watch a program together, agree to hold his hand if he offers, start saying please and thank you. Little things to bring you closer without it being so fast that you feel uncomfortable.

That sounds awful. What do you like about him? What do you like about your life? What do you like about YOU?

And from the point of view of 47 - mate, you have an awful lot of life left in you. You are nowhere near check out time. Your youngest is 4 - they will be in school soon. (If not already).

Does your DH have any idea of how you're feeling?

Thank you so much for replying. I realise it's probably not fair for anyone the whole DCs sleeping in our bed thing. I am so anxious I worry what will happen to them in the bloody bunk beds. I know it's not quite normal to feel like that. I have anxiety and I try to quell it. I've been on/off medication for years.

We separated the year before last and spent the best part of a year living separately. I felt much happier and freeer - more time to spend actually focussing on myself and not being MUUUUUM 24/7. I lost weight, went out with friends and felt like a person again.

Since we got "back together" and moved back in it's been a downwards spiral. However I cannot afford to not stay with him. I am working again now, but earning nowhere near enough. We have financial complications that are my fault. I've apologised and tried to make good but it will take 5-6 years until he can be rid.

No idea if I'm doing dripfeeding. I feel like I can't leave with all of the complex issues surrounding the marriage - the finances, the children, my financial future, his family, everything really. I don't mind him as a person at at all. He's very lovely. He deserves better than me. He IS better than me. I just wish I'd realised all of this before the children. I loved him so very much before them.

You don't sound like you want to stay but you've convinced yourself you have to which is really worrying. Is there anyone you can talk to? What's your support like away from him?

I suppose I feel like we should just stick together so I get a decent pay off

And what happens if DH decides he wants to walk away and have the chance of living a happy life and you get NO pay off?
Or is this some weird reverse?

Sorry X post

I don't really have anyone. I moved away from the city we met where my family are to another city for his work when our eldest was a baby. I made some friends and when we separated I felt empowered to build on these friendships and be sociable etc but I'm just a bit crap now. They've all got their own stuff going on and I don't want to be a burden. Also I don't want to be the weirdo who can't make her marriage work

It's not a reverse. I'm entirely aware he could leave me at any point. He should, to be fair! The life we could have, that we did have, before the kids - and perhaps after them- seems very far away. And maybe after all that has happened it doesn't exist anymore, there would never be a chance to go back to being just us. I'm feeling like it is just me, from the replies. What I feel isn't normal, is it? And I sound vaguely psychopathic from some of my answers

You sound confused and resentful, but you don't seem to have any specific complaints about your DH. You gave up your career to bring up his children (but they're yours as well!)
If the dc are 8 and 4, it's maybe about time you started to pick up the threads of your career again. You obviously don't want to be a SAHM forever.

I am resentful. I can recognise that. I gave up a lot for him. If we'd stayed in the city we met I'd have gone back to my job after Mat leave. He cheated two years into our marriage during a time we were struggling to conceive. He thinks he's justified in what he did. I said I accepted it but I suppose deep down I haven't. I am definitely confused. I'm not really sure what I thought I might gain from posting. I think I probably need a heap of therapy! Thank you regardless, everyone who has replied.

Bunk beds are fun! Put the older one in the top and the little one in the bottom and they'll have a great time

You were happier when you were separated. Doesn't that tell you what you need to know?

You're only 33, you can build up your own pension.

He's not that lovely if he thinks he was justified cheating on you.

Hi OP,
You sound like you are struggling with very low self esteem as you talk about your partner being too good for you and being a burden to friends. I agree you may be depressed.

I don’t think you should give up on your husband. You describe him as good looking and a lovely person and say you were mad about him in the past. When you broke up before you ended up getting back together.

What was it that you liked about being single - is it possible to recreate any of that. You might have got weekends to yourself regularly and while that might not be possible now perhaps you could try for a day or even half day to yourself if you offer your hubby the same. If you loved getting dressed up and going out with friends can you still do that once in a while? If you lack motivation for this at the moment then own this feeling rather than blame hubby. Perhaps your hubby pulled his weight more when you were separate and you miss that. Tell him and see if he can agree to do tea and chief childcarer some evening like he did then.

If you are anxious about bunk beds and two single beds won’t fit perhaps you can get a bed with a pull out trundle underneath. (Look on Facebook selling and eBay to keep costs down. Getting back in the same room would help to give you at least a chance to reconnect - which I guess is why you are avoiding it.

If your children are in school and nursery see if you and your partner could take a days annual leave together, go for a walk, visit a cafe with no kids and see how you get on.

Hope things improve for you.

Out of interest, why does he feel justified in having cheated on you when you were struggling with fertility?

The fact he cheated on you and now you resent him, the fact you were happier separated, that you are miserable now, all suggest to me that you may be better of separating/divorcing and moving on. If you're back at work, why not build up your hours a bit, start putting money into a pension, pay off debts, become more independent. Then you can leave more easily if that's what would be best for you. Good luck.

I know it was the pressure of TTC that made him cheat. He said it wasn't fun anymore. It wasn't for me either, tbf. I wanted a sibling for my DC and the more it went wrong (miscarriages, secondary infertility), the more stressful and pressurising it got.

I just don't think there is anyone better than him for me? I want to be able to be close with him, and intimate. We are good friends. I just feel so disgusting - I've ballooned since we got back together - I have very low self esteem anyway and a very negative image of myself physically, historically. He doesn't seem to care when I try and talk about that sort it personal stuff with him and maybe he shouldn't have to endure it? Maybe it is best saved for a therapist?

Regarding the sleeping arrangements- I think I'd actually rather sleep on my own not with DCs (they wake me up at dick o clock), not with him, not with anyone. I am a restless sleeper.

I don't particularly enjoy penetrative sex because of above and also previous abuse issues. I know I'm a bit of a nightmare I guess I kind of avoid it. Aaaaargh. Sorry. This whole thread is a dripfeed isn't it.

You say you don’t fancy him - do you fancy anyone?
Do you think about sex, get aroused ever, have the urge to masturbate etc?

I lost my sex drive after children (and due to hormone treatments) so I didn’t feel sexually attracted to my DH but I didn’t feel sexual at all ever.

Personally I could never be attracted to a man who cheated on me because I was struggling to conceive (or for any reason really!) so it may not be that, but worth asking yourself the question

You need professional help OP. Please speak to your GP.

Nothing excuses an affair. You were under those same pressures too. He's made u believe it is your fault.

The only way anyone can possibly start to forgive an affair is if the cheater acknowledges the pain they caused & is genuinely remorseful.

You've sacrificed so much for this man & he's let you down again & again. You've made your whole life about your children because they are a safer bet than your husband.

You sound so sad. I understand feeling fat/ crappy after children. Also have past abuse issues.

I'm all for making things work, but it's very telling you felt free and happy without him. I'd be lost without DH.

Really hope you can find your way back to who you are and what you want x