I'm 33 and I don't share a bed with my DH

[patchisagoodpup]

DC are 8 and 4. DH and I do not share a bed. DC sleep with me. We've only got 2 bedrooms.

It's mainly my persuasion. I just don't fancy him. He works out, he's super fit, not bad looking. It mostly makes me feel worse about myself because I just don't get the time to do that. I'm fat and average. No idea whether he's seeing anyone else (though I suspect not as I've recently gone back to work and he's accommodated it to the point it being around more for DC) but to be honest I don't really care if he is either.

But I did sacrifice my career for the sake of his, and to look after the DC.

I suppose I feel like we should just stick together so I get a decent pay off. My pension is worth shit. It wouldn't be if I hadn't supported his career, spent the last few years raising his children.

It's just such a miserable, lifeless marriage.

Op, it's bloody awful that he cheated and justified it like he did. How can you ever rebuild self esteem when he's sat there acting like it is okay to shove a knife through the heart of the relationship when you were going through so much?

There's a reason you were happier when you separated.

You shouldn't be with him, you sound miserable.
You only get one life so don't waste it being so unhappy

Thank you for all your comments.

I agree I probably should not be with him. I can't afford to leave. The last time was so damaging financially. I was gifted some money by my DGrandmother which helped immensely, to get him out and set up somewhere else. I don't have that option now as she's since died.

I do have depression and I've been on and off medication for years but I wanted to come off as it makes me complacent. I've been off meds a few months now and in that time I've trained for and started a new job which I really do need to be "on the ball" for (life/death stuff) so I can't go back on the meds as they mess with my head too much.

I suppose I posted thinking there would be others in a similar situation but it seems it's quite uncommon to be in this position.

To the poster who asked about sexual urges, yes I occasionally do but I'm busy and it's not something I get much time to focus on we occasionally have a shag after a few drinks when I'm not in a position to say no so I suppose that's a good thing in terms of the marriage. But I do agree I have low self esteem in all aspects of myself and I really do loathe myself physically so I am just embarrassed. Especially since he started working out and getting fit. I'd love to lose weight but I find it so hard and I just don't feel attractive which makes it very hard to feel sexual.

we occasionally have a shag after a few drinks when I'm not in a position to say no so I suppose that's a good thing in terms of the marriage

Why are you not in a position to say no when drunk - because you want to, or because you feel you have to?

It's not your responsibility to set him up somewhere else.

we occasionally have a shag after a few drinks when I'm not in a position to say no What? OP, that's rape.

Drunken coercion is not a good thing in a marriage! I know you can't leave OP but start living your life as if you have. Pretend he doesn't even exist. Don't go out of your way to do anything for him and insist he has kids on his own more so you can start to build your own life. And do not let him minimise your feelings about the cheating or try to blame his shitty selfish behaviour on you.

I don't think he actually wants to be having sex with me as I really am disgusting to look at. As I mentioned I really don't enjoy penetrative sex (as above with the abuse and probably the extended TTC didn't help matters) so I suppose I allow it if I'm a bit drunk because I feel like I should, as his wife, and I can kind of block out any feelings? I realise this is getting really complex so it's probably best if I stop posting and try to figure stuff out myself. I really appreciate everyone trying to help

OP, consider speaking to Women's Aid.

You are not disgusting. This man has destroyed your confidence. Please get out before he destroys the rest of you.

Please please get some urgent therapy
NHS Do talking therapy- over the phone.
CBT is excellent for anxiety.
Me and dh slept in separate beds for a while but were back in the same bed now and we just feel closer (nothing to do with sex either )..

@patchisagoodpup Are you in London? St Barts has a psychosexual clinic which sounds like it could be useful for you

parents sleeping in the same bed have been normalised over the years regardless if it's what the parents want or don't want deep inside

It's natural to want to sleep in the same bed as your children

Husband and I have separate bedrooms, not because we've split but because I like having a bed and room all to myself

Maybe the cause of your depression is him. You sound so low.

I only was able to leave my previous abusive relationship because I applied for tax credits. With my job and top ups, it meant I could leave.

You're not disgusting

Were you depressed and on meds when you separated?

Can you get him to look after the kids so you can go to gym classes or get out of the house for exercise?

I am not saying this to be goody but cardio can really improve mood and may short term help things feel a bit more tolerable...

OP I feel for you. Please don't be so hard on yourself, being cheated on when TTC is up there for one of the shittiest things a man could do to his partner.

Youth is on your side. You are so young, you have time to build up your pension and get yourself straight financially. Focus on doing this as much as you can. Give yourself a couple of years to lose weight and get healthier. This is a blip and you will look back on it in a few years. Focus on yourself and your children and don't worry what your partner thinks.

Good luck.

Bless you OP. Hav you heard of sunk cost fallacy? You're saying he's great and can do better than you but are literally explaining that he's a cheat, who thinks that is justified when it isn't- cheating on your spouse at a time of stress is not a sign of a decent person. Of course this will have affected your self esteem and tbh, it doesn't seem like he cares about that either if he won't 'indulge' you trying to open up about it.

I suspect you felt more free when you were apart for a reason and I'm not sure it's you. Financial complications are difficult bit can be sorted surely. You aren't even halfway through your working life! Pensions can be built up again, he will have to contribute to the care of the DC financially.

You are not a 'nightmare' because you have very valid unresolved issues OP and that mindset seems to be making you feel you should be grateful he'll have you and stay put so you don't have to challenge any of these issues.

If you don't like penetrative sex, do not have it, if you are emotionally struggling with it, don't have it either. Men are not the be all and end all and over inflating his value so you can reduce yours isn't healthy.

I would absolutely seek out a counsellor though, it may really help. Your DH should be supporting of that though, not wanting to shove you off to one so he doesn't have to listen. Have you told him plainly that you ate struggling and are having issues? If so what has he said or done in reply? Does he wish to rekindle the marriage?

This really shows how traumatic intimate betrayal is. So interesting that on about your third post you mention his cheating at a really vulnerable time " being cheated on when TTC is up there for one of the shittiest things a man could do to his partner."

Behind depression is anger and grief. Behind anxiety is hyper vigilance from abuse.

I think you need to talk about all this to a professional, OP. It might not be you, it might be trauma.