Its just getting so unbearable

[quadrophenia]

well thats it really, my dp of 8 years is making me so unhappy i don't think i can take much more. Really worried that I'm close to breaking point, his behaviour and attitude towards me is so negative and despite reassurances from friends it is really dragging me down. I have four wonderful kids, a tidy and clean home, i work part time, yet its never enough. I spend my whole life trying to justify myself to a man who believes he has it harder than anyone else as he works twelve hour nights. He won't talk to me about our relationship, declares he pretty muuch hates me and that he feels stuck with me, tells me I'm not a proper woman even though I know i am, because apparently I do nothing for him. I feel so tired, so dragged down, and quite honestly depressed.
Stupid thing is as a family unit we are great, always off doing things, picnics, walks, camping, festivals, football etc, i can't bear the thought of losing all that really i can't, it can be so wonderful, but am really beginning to think its at my sanity's expense

Just needed to vent really, not sure what anyone can say.

It's sounds like classic spouse bullying to me. You need to get some outside support of somekind, anykind, but not a relative. You need to be sane for your family.

Thankyou for all your responses.
he has gradually been getting worse in his behaviour for a year or so, at first i didn't notice, but my mum kept picking me up on things i'd said he'd said and made me realise that I was just accepting his word as truth. I do believe he is suffering from depression, he has had some terrible experiences in the past, one being the death of a close friend, which he has never got over. I think the hours he works make the depression worse, but he won't listen, he agrees he is depressed, he says life is shit but he still thinks he is justified in the way he treats me.

He calls me lazy as an insult, he knows it gets to me as i work so hard.

i have given him an ulitmatum regarding our relationship, but because we do struggle to get by financially he knows it would be difficult to seperate. He can't go to his mums as she is unreasonable and would be very unsympathetic, his friends know what his like, call him a misery and quite frankly don't bother much with him. I feel for him i really do, but he won't get help, we have discussed it before.

Have to say I agree with the others - short sharp shock. He is taking you for granted because he thinks you will always be there, you need to let him know that if he carries on you won't

Do you think he really believe you are having an affair? That could be another symptom of his depression. Have you tried counselling for just you? It does sound as though there is a lot going on and it could really help to speak to someone in RL who doesn't know either of you personally. Good luck

I think my dad is also suffering depression at the moment and is taking it out on mum - she is refusing to stand for it and making him do something about it - it will cause arguements between them but she is doing the right thing for him, her and them

Charliecat am sorry you have been through similar, your situation sounds as if you are talking about mine it really does. He thinks this is just how it is, I know that if we seperated he would eb devestated, he loves the children so much, and like i said as a family we have a great life, but I'm so close to breaking.

He sounds like a pathetic, borderline abusive arsehole. Sorry - blunt but honest answer. He doesn't make you happy, he puts your down, he's a narky sod ...you can do without him. Give a short sharp shockn(as suggested) and show him that unless he makes big changes, he can stop counting on you to be his emotional punchbag.

would you be prepared to make an ultimatum:

"Get to a doctor, get yourself sorted or I am going?"

I don't think he really thinks I'm having an affair, its a great way of turning the tables to me, as atm all the focus is on him. I'd like to think he knows me well enough to know i would and could never do that to him or myself.

He just rang me apologising, then my phone cut off, he is having a tough time at work atm. I think he senses something different in me, i think he knows how close I am to calling it a day. I just hope we can discuss it without mud slinging, I'm tired of arguing.

heres how i was feeling I hope youve caught it before its too late...{{{hugs}}} Fucking Bastards excuse my language but theres no need for this

LoveAngel don't worry your honesty is fine, thats how i feel about him pretty much atm anyway.
Tigerfeet i certainly will give him an ultimatum, its just having the stength to follow it through isn't it. Wierdly i do feel strong, as much as i'm a blubbering wreck i do feel quite determined.

His mum not standing for his behavior is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

How dare he make you responsible for him! How dare he?!

He needs a protracted dose of "Don't you fucking dare speak to me like that again, I am your wife, and I do not have to put up with it! You keep a civil tongue in your head or I will start proceedings aginst you for domestic verbal abuse, because I would rather be a single mother on the dole than listen to another minute of your gobshite!"

Get some fight back. I can see how he has ground you down, but really, never mind how tired and depressed he is, that doesn't make you deserving of his abuse, so don't accept it. Pull him up on it, not wearily, but with utter outrage.

It's all very well being a great family but you are being used as the glue holding it together!

lazy? working with 4 kids? Bloody super mum if you ask me!

well said escapefrom

Practice EscapeFrom's phrase over & over again.

I like that.

He sounds like he needs a good talking to.

EscapeFrom has got it spot on. xx

At the risk of sounding insensitive...

How come the threads describing depressed men have them being verbally abusive and blaming their dws for everything. But the threads about depressed women have them feeling useless and alone.

I'm starting to think that depression is being used as an excuse to cover many shitty behaviour patterns.

Yes HD but I believe that depression and low self esteem are the major attributory factors to most negative behaviour patterns, aren't they?

hd your right men use their " depression" as an excuse to have affairs. And i think when women are depressed its because their ratbag h's have made them feel so ugly and useless.

Have just spoken to him, I have been asked to go out tonight, he has told me to go. Really though i want to sit down, talk about things and sort this shit out one way or another. I asked him if he felt depressed he said he had no idea but that he was prepared to go to the doctors and talk about stuff.
Your responses, however harsh are all most welcome, I have felt nearly every emotion that has been outlined and seen things from all these perspectives. I don't want to give up just yet, but also feel very resolute thaat if things don't chnage drastically within a given time frame then I am prepared to end it.
My dad rang, and just being honest and telling him things were crappy really helped, your support on here is really appreciated, its certainly helping me collect my thoughts more constructively.

charliecat am going to have a proper read through your thread in a bit, have skimmed it, but want to read it properly when my four year old isn't hanging from my dress thankyou for sharing with me.

Are you gonna go out or stay in quad?
That thread what the very end. I had this voice in my head saying This isnt working, this isnt working.
Nothing was changing, we had split up in January with promises to improve and it didnt stop. He was sneering and insulting and a complete MISERY in my company. Just me...only me.
Now, hes slipping into a depressive state, not sure if that was it before, possibly...but still, the insults were only ever aimed at me.
The pathetic picking at everything, and NOTHING, was only aimied at me.
Couldnt take any more.
He would even moan at me, because my petrol lasted longer than his????!!!!!!!
And I must be lying....senseless, blood pressure rising nothingness.
You dont seem to have gone as far down the line as I had.............see if you can get him to see sense.
Good Luck.
They dont realise what they have till its not there anymore.
Ask him if he really wants to be waking up in a bedsit alone. Because thats where it will end up.

TBh Charliecat i don't feel up to going out, don't think I would be great company and feel so emotionally drained.

Reading your thread there is alot that rings true, alot, its amazing to see how much of a transition there is in the way you feel throughout the thread though. i often wonder if i didn't have that cloud hanging over me how different would I be. I'm not sure how things are going to pan out for us yet, tonight will be the first step, if we manage to have a rational discussion then I guess that will be the first step. Sadly though i don't hold out too much hope, I'm feeling very wobbly atm, I think I'm just zapped and want to sleep. but we have to talk, we really do. I need to know how he feels.
Thanks for giving a damn, posting here has really helped.

I really hope tonight goes well. Just be strong and let him know how his behaviour makes you feel and that you won't put up with it any longer.

Good luck