My mum doesn't like me

[Scoutingaround]

I've thought this for a long time, probably since my early twenties. My mother never compliments me, ever, and whenever anybody else compliments me she always pours cold water over it. e.g. somebody might say 'oh Scouting did a good job with that gardening', mum jumps in with 'well it wasn't very difficult gardening' etc. I don't think she knows she's doing it. Also always putting me down, always. Silly things like I was talking to her the other day about exercise and referred back to when I ran a half marathon. She said 'oh yes well we were waiting for you for ages, you were right at the back of the pile weren't you?'. My ex (abusive) boyfriend often comes up in conversation and she says 'well you really should have broken up with him far sooner' - forgetting the fact that she told me I should stick with him. (At the time I told her that I kept on crying all the time - she told me to stop as he would go off me if I cried all the time).
She really wanted me to study medicine at university, but I hated Chemistry A-level and never enjoyed Biology either. I am now a teacher at a private school and I don't think she approves of that, always says how unfair private education is etc etc.
The thing is, I am desperate for her approval. It would mean the world to me if she would pay me a compliment. My dh tells me I am always looking for her to be somebody she isn't. I recently had a baby and she has always wanted a grandchild, has been dropping hints for ages. I know she will be a great grandmother but I thought it might change her attitude towards me, but it hasn't.
My mother had a very difficult childhood herself. Her parents were bullies and treated her terribly. She ran away from home twice before she turned sixteen. I feel terribly sad and I think she probably would benefit from counselling but there is no way she would ever countenance that - she is definitely from the 'just get on with it' school of thought.
Anyway, it's really getting me down. We get on - we never argue because I always appease her - but I just can't shake the feeling that she doesn't really like me and my self esteem is so low. It would mean so much if she would just pay me a compliment every now and then. I ring her all the time in the hope that we'll have the kind of conversation in which I walk away feeling buoyed up, but it never happens, just the opposite.

She is a narcissist (full blown disorder) the clincher in your post - is when they tell you that other nasty people are actually good for you. That's a huge indicator. And of course they deny doing so afterwords :/

Counciling does not help with cluster b personality disorders unfortunately. Please do not make excuses for her about childhood ect, because there are plenty of people who have rubbish childhoods and still know how to love their own children. Narcissists and the like, do not.

You might benefit from councilling, to give you closure. Often when we have these sorts in our upbringing, we go on to date them/have them as friends ect...in our adult lives. Counciling may help with this. But please realise your mum...isn't going to change. And put some distance between you, for your own mental health and wellbeing.

My mother is a bit the same and throughout my life I've found others who've filled that gap. I'm really sorry but she's not going to be the sort of mother that you deserve. She doesn't seem very empathetic. The good news is that you're likely to be a much better Mum to your kids because you can see how not to do it x

Why haven't you just had that conversation then? Tell her how you feel and that you'd appreciate some kind words occasionally. Maybe she just doesn't realise.

Have a look for the Stately Homes thread on the Relationship forum, lots of experience and support from people with mothers exactly like this.

Get yourself the book 'Will I ever be good enough'.

Please stop looking for her approval, she isn't going to give it to you. How long have you waited? She has power over you by making you feel not good enough for her.

I'd suggest counselling for yourself.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/2133999.Will_I_Ever_Be_Good_Enough_Healing_the_Daughters_of_Narcissistic_Mothers

My mum doesn’t like me either.

I think you will get to the point where you realise that you will never get that approval but that it is ok because she is so defective that you could be the next queen of England, and she still won’t approve. It is her, not you. Even if you had become a doctor, you would be doing it wrong regardless.

I came to that realisation reading the stately homes thread, so I would give that a read.

I would also start pulling back on the information you give her. Means she has less ammunition to beat you with and will help your own self esteem.

The space between reality and fantasy leads to depression. You have a fantasy about this fab warm mother who would encourage and praise you. The reality is it's not going to happy. Probably due to her own repressive upbringing so nothing deliberate.
The secret is to accept her as she is. She wont change but you can. Sounds like you have a good husband and now a baby so let it go.
My dm was brought up in a similar environment and accepting that totally freed me. Actually l could actually laugh at her mad ways of dodging a compliment and we ended up getting on brilliantly.

Both my parents are the same. In fact they egg each other on and love to wind each other up about me. There's this weird dynamic where my Mum catalogues my latest crimes to my Dad, my Dad is rude, aggressive and shows his dislike for me, she storms in to stick up for me which makes him ever angrier. Then all quiet for a bit, she slags me off, my Dad shows his anger...and round and round it goes. Bored to tears with it and then my Dad started displaying his anger towards my children so I cut them off then. Pair of boring fuckers with a weird marriage dynamic that has to have a villain at the centre of it ie me. Best thing I ever did was go NC. I am sure we are all happier for not being in contact, including them.

Wow I could have written this post! I had exactly the same issue with my mum. Still do a little bit but she's definitely mellowed with age or I've just become a bit more confident to ignore her / challenge her.

Dear ScountingAround, I have 3 teens and my two eldest are girls ages 18 and 15. I am crazy about them and their emotional health is my number one priority in terms of their upbringing. My own mother died when I was 13 and my dad at 19 so I have struggled with raising myself but it has never stopped me loving my children and encouraging and complimenting my girls all the time. They are both thriving and we have a close, loving relationship.

It is very sad but as others have already said, your mother cannot change. Her own upbringing probably combined with her personality prevents her from showing you the love that is normal in a mother-daughter relationship. The only way forward for you, as painful as it may be, is to accept this and start finding ways to build your own self-esteem. Be careful regarding your mother around your child, she may use a relationship with your child to hurt you. On the other hand she may be just as abusive to your child as she has been to you. Don't give your mum whatever she wants in a misguided attempt to please her, remember NOTHING you do will change how she treats you.

Instead learn to put your needs and those of your partner and child first. I would recommend the following book:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Ph.d

I think it's in Foward's book that she talks about how abused people can be in the FOG which is a state of pain and confusion resulting from Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Even though your mum doesn't give you the emotional support you need and deserve, she is able to manipulate you with guilt trips and feelings of needing to always try and please her out of fear of her.

Find an experienced counselor who can help you make the transition out of the FOG and into freedom.

Your mother may have had a rubbish childhood herself but she has basically repeated with you what she herself saw. She took the low road and never sought or even wanted to seek the necessary help. She made you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

Would you have tolerated what your mother has done to you here from a friend, I would hope not. Your mother is no different.

What the other respondents have written particularly with regards to fear, obligation and guilt. You seem mired in this still. There is no point in speaking to your mother about her treatment because she won't ever understand and does not want to understand. It is NOT your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Even now you are still wanting her approval, approval infact she will never give you. Appeasing her as you have does not work either, this is really a red rag to a bull for a narcissistic type like your mother. Kindness is seen as weakness to such types. It is not all that surprising either that your boundaries are too low here, she never really encouraged you to have any. You can raise these boundaries here with regards to your mother and not phoning her so often now would be a step in the right direction.

BTW you do not mention your dad here in your post, where is he?.

Its probably down to your mother's overall rubbish attitude towards you that you had an abusive boyfriend too when younger. Its no coincidence to my mind.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she is frankly a rubbish example of a grandparent to your child. Do keep your child well away from her going forward, she is not a nice and kind example of a grandmother to be at all around.

Your mother will not change; she is not built that way. You can only change how you react to her. Ultimately you are going to have to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Many adult children of narcissists often fall into the trap that they think their abusive parent will somehow become nice and or great as a grandparent despite their own experiences to the contrary. She will indeed do similar harm to your child if given the opportunity, you all as a family unit need to keep well clear of her going forward. She could well use your child to get back at you.

Do indeed find yourself a good therapist to work with and importantly someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Thank you so much for all the kind advice
My mum isn't a horrible person but I think she's terribly damaged by her childhood. She does a lot of voluntary charity work for animal charities. She once told me she prefers animals to people.
I feel that some of her comments have really hurt me - for example I used to like playing the piano. When I was a teenager a friend came over and looked at a book of classical music I had on the piano. My friend said something about it looking impressive and mum said 'well she can't actually play any of them'. My friend looked really embarrassed, and I wanted the ground to open up. I've never really played the piano much since.
I just wish she would be a bit more open emotionally. I had a really difficult birth with my son (nothing terrible, but just long and lots of intervention) and I've tried to talk to her about it but she just makes me feel as though I should get over it and be grateful that it all turned out ok.
@whichwayforward I've just looked at that book on Amazon and it looks really helpful - I'll get it thank you for the recommendation.
@Aussiebean - I had not thought about the doctor thing like that, that even if I had become a doctor she would have found something to criticise me for. I still beat myself up about not doing medicine, even though I have no interest in chemistry or biology. I think in my fantasy of being a doctor I imagine my mum being proud of me.

scouting my mum has never told me that she loves me and she doesn't hug either. I know she does love me but she doesn't really connect with anyone. I don't think it's her fault, it's just the way she is.

You should begin by mothering yourself and seek some counselling. X

Op, I think you're wrong that she'll be a great grandmother. She'll use your dc against you and replay this dynamic with them.

My father is very much like this, down to the terrible childhood he suffered. Once I got so fed up with him and cut him out of my life and made it clear I did not need him and made no emotional demands on him he was much better behaved. My brother still seeks his approval, and can't see that he is incapable of giving it-until you don't ask for it. My dad approves of me now that I don't need it! Weird.

You need to stop looking for her approval but also you need to start sticking up for yourself. It takes two to be in this dynamic and as she won’t change you have to.
She is battering your self esteem every time you speak to her and you either need to stand up for yourself or reduce contact.
You will be seeking her approval for ever unless something changes. Your post is quite heartbreaking to read.

I think your mother behaves shockingly, and gets something out of it to keep doing it for so long. The wounds she must have inflicted!!!

The key is, you have to accept that.

And in accepting it, treat her with kid gloves. She is harmful to you and hurts you. You have to manage your exposure. If she asks you why you aren't in contact much, you can be honest but don't expect her to get it or admit it.

It's a shame. It could be so different but she is spoiling it. And I agree, it's what she knows. But you know it's wrong and you don't want it for your family going forward. If she won't change, you will have to xxxxx

"My mum isn't a horrible person but I think she's terribly damaged by her childhood. She does a lot of voluntary charity work for animal charities. She once told me she prefers animals to people".

Abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world/pillars of the community but her charity work does not at all absolve her any of her responsibility her for her repeated abuse against you as her daughter. She took the low road when it came to you and repeated with you what she herself saw, she did not have to do that.

You have also been emotionally harmed by your own rotten childhood at the hands of this woman but I daresay you would not treat any children you have like you were yourself treated. Toxic people like your mother go onto being toxic as grandparent figures too and I would keep any children well away from her.

You need to stay away from her too. It is NOT your fault your mother is like this nor did you make her that way. Drop your part too in this overall toxic dynamic, drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you.

My dh tells me I am always looking for her to be somebody she isn't.

Your DH is a wise man. You will only find inner peace when you stop chasing the impossible dream. Your mother was not a good mother and she won't be a good grandmother either. You need to distance yourself from her - for the sake of your own mental health - and you absolutely need to keep your child away from her or she will chip away at their development and confidence and self-esteem in exactly the same way that she did to you. You deserved better. And your child most certainly deserves better.

I'm sorry. It's hard to hear this about your own mother, the one person in your life who is meant to love you unconditionally. But please take it from someone who still bears the deep invisible scars of exactly the same kind of emotional abuse from her own mother. It's limited my life and caused me mental and physical harm because I spent a lifetime trying to earn the tiniest crumb of approval.

You say you know she would make a good grandmother (?!?!)

My grandmother...was like your mother. My mother was her golden child (at least, treated better than the others) but even now she desperately seeks approval from EVERYONE. Maybe because gran is gone now and she never truly felt it from her. She is forever running after people, 'helping' those who really don't deserve her. That is how having a narcissistic mother affected her.

My mother and I stayed with my gran every summer holiday and she would also come stay with us several other months out of the year. Once she stayed a whole year (hell xD). I became the scapegoat. My gran could be nice enough when it was just me and her...sometimes. But she would put me down to my mother. That really hurt. I also remember such lovely choice comments as 'you are a horrible unfilial child, your mother must be ashamed'. Think I must have been about 7. I had been too slow fetching her the water she had wanted. She passed when I was eleven. I grew up feeling not good enough and dated and had several friends over the years who were...of her kind...over the years until I realised what was going on and did extensive work on myself. That's how a grandmother like your mum affected me.

Provided your child is capable of feeling like you - shame, failure, unloved - your mother should be kept as far away from it as possible. Because given enough contact she will hurt that child as she did you. She may also ruin the relationship you have with your child. And could even, turn your child into the same bad person she is. Because don't kid yourself, people of her kind are as bad as it gets. Keep your child safe.

sighned

granddaughter of a narcissist.

I my mum was like that. I used to think she wasn't a horrible person. It took years to realise she really was.

Like you, I thought she'd be a good grandmother. She wasn't. She said some very cruel lies about me to my DD when she was only 10 and it damaged our relationship for years.

The best thing I ever did was cut her out of my life and wish I had done it years earlier. There's a very powerful need to be loved and accepted by our parents and I kept trying. She lived to her 90s and he was nasty to the very end.

Another one with a mother similar to yours. I had to cut her off because I couldn't risk her doing the same to my children. It's only now I have children I can realise the damage she did to me. I came to the realisation (yesterday!) that I actually need to have therapy to minimise the risks of me passing any of this behaviour on...
Definitely recommend reading the stately homes thread.

My DF had a mother like that. He knocked himself out trying to impress her. He was the best husband, father, GP.... Anything to please. But he never got the love and acceptance he so much longed for.

Then she died. He'd always wanted to hear her say she loved him - and now she never would. It broke him. He had a massive breakdown and had to be sectioned. He was ill for several years on and off.

He made sure that my DBs and I were lavished with love. He learned from his DM's bad example how not to parent. I imagine you're doing the same.

Your DH is right. You will never get what you long for from your DM. And I would be very cautious about her as a grandmother.

Though my dad's mother just seemed weird to me as a child. I don't remember her saying anything unkind, she was just distant. But then I had another set of grandparents who were absolutely lovely so she didn't have much of an effect on me - and the same would probably be true in your case.

I think you are going to have to work on accepting that she is who she is. Because until you accept that you will always be disappointed and sad. If it helps to see less of her then do so.