My mum doesn't like me

[Scoutingaround]

I've thought this for a long time, probably since my early twenties. My mother never compliments me, ever, and whenever anybody else compliments me she always pours cold water over it. e.g. somebody might say 'oh Scouting did a good job with that gardening', mum jumps in with 'well it wasn't very difficult gardening' etc. I don't think she knows she's doing it. Also always putting me down, always. Silly things like I was talking to her the other day about exercise and referred back to when I ran a half marathon. She said 'oh yes well we were waiting for you for ages, you were right at the back of the pile weren't you?'. My ex (abusive) boyfriend often comes up in conversation and she says 'well you really should have broken up with him far sooner' - forgetting the fact that she told me I should stick with him. (At the time I told her that I kept on crying all the time - she told me to stop as he would go off me if I cried all the time).
She really wanted me to study medicine at university, but I hated Chemistry A-level and never enjoyed Biology either. I am now a teacher at a private school and I don't think she approves of that, always says how unfair private education is etc etc.
The thing is, I am desperate for her approval. It would mean the world to me if she would pay me a compliment. My dh tells me I am always looking for her to be somebody she isn't. I recently had a baby and she has always wanted a grandchild, has been dropping hints for ages. I know she will be a great grandmother but I thought it might change her attitude towards me, but it hasn't.
My mother had a very difficult childhood herself. Her parents were bullies and treated her terribly. She ran away from home twice before she turned sixteen. I feel terribly sad and I think she probably would benefit from counselling but there is no way she would ever countenance that - she is definitely from the 'just get on with it' school of thought.
Anyway, it's really getting me down. We get on - we never argue because I always appease her - but I just can't shake the feeling that she doesn't really like me and my self esteem is so low. It would mean so much if she would just pay me a compliment every now and then. I ring her all the time in the hope that we'll have the kind of conversation in which I walk away feeling buoyed up, but it never happens, just the opposite.

Your mother sounds like mine was. And whilst I didn't understand just how toxic she was until I was recovering from a relationship with a sociopath, I always knew I would parent my own child completely differently to how she parented. I vowed it to myself in my teens, and I kept that vow.

The thing is, she may turn into a doting grandmother, but your child will see how she treats you - and most likely won't like it. My son once said as we were driving home from my mother's, " I don't like nanny'. 'Why is that, sweetheart?' I asked. 'I don't like the way she treats you.'

They don't realise it, but their actions speak volumes about them, and say nothing about us. People who have been brought up with love see it and judge them, just like your DH does, just like your friend did and just like my son did.

She never will give you her approval - her own feelings of superiority and even acceptableness depend upon her being better than other people, especially her daughter. Because she probably feels extremely threatened by you and your happy life. Other people aren't judging you by her twisted standards, so please don't think her standards are worth anything.

My mother had a horrible childhood too, and so did her grandparents (who brought her up), and probably so on and so on ad infinitum. Personally I don't see the point in casting blame, because where does it get anyone? But our gift is that the genetic line of abuse ends here, with us.

You are a better person than her, because you keep a nasty woman in your life in spite of her actions. She can't even find a kind word for her own daughter, who deserves to be loved and cherished just like you cherish your own DD. Instead, she sucks the life out of you, because you are looking for validation from someone who gets their kicks out of invalidating you.

Your DH is right. She is not worth a moment of your worry. The book suggestions from PPs are really good ones, and I would add 'How to Survive in Spite of Your Parents' by Margaret Reinhold.

But always remember - it's her, not you.

Sorry you've got this OP. She sounds just like my mother. You'll never appease her because she really just doesn't care about you, or anyone else for that matter. She only cares about herself and how to make herself feel good by bringing other people down.

I cut her off about 8 years ago now and it was the best decision I've ever made. She didn't give two shits until she found out I had a DD and suddenly expected to have contact with her. Not a fucking chance!

Please don't waste years of your life trying to please someone or gain approval when it will never happen. Block move on and find people who truly add value to your life.

Oh yes and mine also blames her behaviour on a terrible childhood. It's funny, I also had a terrible childhood but I don't behave the way she does. It's no excuse for shit behaviour

i understand what you are talking about. Both my parents were much like this. They both had very dysfunctional childhoods themselves. If all you hear when you're growing up is what you are not doing right or could be doing better, this is what you repeat to your own children. I was never praised or encouraged, and shown very little love. I love my children to pieces, but they all say I am over critical and constantly 'nagging'. To me it isn't nagging it is anxiety about their wellbeing. I realise I am repeating the same patterns.
If you can be self aware and change the way you relate to your children, you will break the chain.
I don't think that pinning a label on her will really help. She is damaged. She has probably done the best she can in her own way. It sounds as though she is deeply distrustful of people and has been given very little praise or encouragement herself.

I would try and talk to her about how her behaviour makes you feel, giving examples. Ask her to try and change. The likelihood is that she won't though. Hurtful as that is, try to be a much better mother to your own children and break the mould. That is all you can do, along with working on your own self esteem .