Y8 daughter told she's out of her friendship group

[Whoknew2014]

My daughter received a text msg from one girl this evening telling her that she's out of her friendship group. The texting girls has joined the group fairly recently but knows my daughter from primary school.

Texting girl says it's a "group decision" but it doesn't seem to be as my daughter was with half the group when she was supposed to meet the texting girl and one other by the library to be told her fate (as she didn't show, it happened by text instead).

So far I've been in touch with one of the other mums (who knows nothing about it), screenshot the texts, we've blocked the girl on my daughter's phone and bought oven chips & ice cream.

I was thinking of emailing the house well-being lead at school (it's a pretty touchy feels comp who are good on pastoral care).

Any advice very gratefully received, thank you!

Contact everybody including this girls mother. I’d be ashamed if my daughter acted like that. What a little cow

I would let the school know and let them deal with it. I wouldn’t contact any more parents yourself.
Hope your DD is ok.

I would text all the other girls in the group to say it seems texting girls phone has been stolen and the theif is sending abusive texts. If they get one just ignore it like you are

Thief not theif!

Oh that is awful. Some girls can be vile. At least your daughter has shared this with you

Bless her heart, she must be feeling rotten! Girls can be so nasty. Keep your eye very firmly on your DD, and inform the school first and foremost.

Your daughter is at such a vulnerable age, please reassure her that she is better than that!

Thank you all! I do feel lucky that she told me, such s tricky age, I'll reassure her. Very much appreciated x

Hi OP,
Thank you for your post. My dd is going through something similar at the moment - her friends have cold-shouldered her for the past month or so and she is hurt and confused by it.

I've told the pastoral lead at school, who will speak to dd and keep an eye on her. In the meantime I have spent a lot of time talking with dd and trying to boost her self-esteem - I want her to know she deserves to be treated better!

to your dd, it's horrible watching them going through this.

This happened to me in the third year of high school and I still remember if vividly. Bullying by being ostracised. Because it wasn't overt bullying (as it was known then, stealing lunch money, calling names and scrapping) I spent a long time thinking it was my fault. I spent months alone at breaks etc, still tried to meet up with them and one time remember seeing them spot me and run away. Eventually after months alone I got talking to a shy girl from another class, we became firm friends for a couple of years and I realised how awful they were and I didn't want that friendship.

Maybe you could suggest her looking out for others who are alone, not because misery loves company, but in a positive "buddy" type way, offering an ear, checking if they're ok, spending time with them? Sort of a positive to come out of a negative. It might sound a bit cheesy but trying to think of a way she can productively use time in breaks so she's not left like I was, wandering feeling sad alone.

Though I hope the rest of the friendship group stand by her and ditch this horrible creature.

I've been there and truly feel for you. It does pass. Not much comfort at the moment, but it does.

Speak to the school and parents you trust.

I took my daughter out for long drives in the evening to talk, distract, and keep away from social media. She still talks fondly of those drives and how secure they made her feel. Just a thought.

This happened to me too, the difference being that I didn't tell anyone at home, and I faced the rejection alone. The fact that your dd has told you speaks volumes about your relationship with her, and I'm glad that she feels ok to talk to you about it. Life can be crap at times, but so much better if you can tell someone about it rather than deal with it alone.

I would contact the school and ask them to keep an eye on your daughter. I wouldn't contact the other parents. Talk to her about her feelings and encourage friendships outside of this particular group. Year 8 seems to be peak time for this type of nasty behaviour, by year 11 they mostly seem over it.

Another one who had Y8 bullying. They weren’t very nice to me anyway, and would often drop me and pick me up again, would run away from me in school, call me names etc but they were the popular girls and I was desperate to be part of them (plus my primary school friends were half of this clique). The worst of it was sort of caused by my dad (he very much disliked them and was VERY angry and horrible when I was a kid, I was having a sleepover with them and we obviously weren’t sleeping and made a load of noise so he kicked them out the house at 7am! Awful Awful man) I was mortified, their parents rightly so kicked off but he was (is still to some extent) a narcissistic arsehole so obviously thought he was right. So not only did it ruin friendships it ruined my relationship with my parents too. All I can say is I’m so glad for your daughter she has supportive parents who have her back and are there for comfort and support. What have the friends who were with her said? Does she have one in the group who she is closest to to speak to? I made friends outside of this group fairly quickly luckily, is there anyone else your daughter has at school? I think at this age, hormones flying etc, it’s a horrible time for them.

I would check the school anti bullying policy. It's very likely to include this kind of bullying. I would report it to the school and say you are doing so under the policy.

Definitely contact tutor or HoY and not any more mothers, atm.

School will be able to sort this out, give them all the facts you know. How awful, hope your DD is ok today, she's lucky to have you fighting her corner.

I'd be absolutely mortified if I heard my DD was involved in something like this!

(*Mortified if my DD was a bully like this I meant) you should've very proud of your DD and well done for being an approachable mum!

I think this is called Wendying when a new person joins the group and pushes another member out. If the other girls are worth bothering with they won't go along with it. If they do go along with it i hope your dd finds a nicer group of friends

Thank you so much for those wonderful replies. To those of you who went through it, my heart goes out to you. Wish I could fly back in time. The mum I messaged is also a governor and my daughter's closest friend's mum in the group so that was helpful. My daughter knew at least one girl would be on her side this morning. But yes, no more mothers involved.

Apparently texting girl apologised to my daughter at break saying she was "on a rage" and then told other unrelated girls about it so that others were asking my daughter if she was ok #sigh. Texting girl has now written a song about it too, apparently.

My daughter wants to forgive and forget but I did contact the school who responded well, if nothing else they'll know the background if texting girl does something similar to someone else.

"Wendying" - who knew! - that is exactly what happened.

Thank you all so much. I am so far out of my comfort zone with Y8 group dynamics.

Good to hear. It's such a relief when it resolves. It may happen again, and you will weather it if it does. Not ideal but it builds resilience and helps them negotiate relationships. Oh to skip these years.

My DD is thriving and happy age 14 after a tricky time age 12 where I felt demented with worry. So much more confident in knowing what she wants and expects from friendships. She's got a core tight group around her now so all good.

Well done again for stepping in. Your daughter will feel secure from that alone.

Some of you lovely dms have reminded me of this.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=l4_6eQm7RTQ

Oh that's lovely Feel, fingers crossed our daughters feel like that about us one day. Especially as a divorced mum I often wonder what I'm doing!

April, that's lovely about your daughter, I hope mine comes through this too. She had some rough times in primary so fingers crossed.

I'm so grateful for the good advice and empathy. Thank you all Xx

The problem with contacting the parents is....they might be a bit cliqu-ey and not terribly nice either...and may just say unhelpful things to the girls (basically minimising the situation) and make things worse. Deffo speak to her school who will care...they are horribly overstretched these days but will be aware of how this nasty behaviour can hurt a girl. Sounds like she has a great mum. Ughh. Bitchy behaviour...it's so unnecessary and so common throughout life...your daughter will be prepared for school run mums at least 🤣🤣

This is bullying - girls exclude, call names whereas boys are more inclined (not exclusively) to be physical bully's (girls can be also and exclusionary bulllying can escalate to physical)

Get in touch with the school and nip it in the bud

My daughter is going through similar situation and she is in Year 8 too! Seems to be a common occurrence at this age.

With dd it is one of her so called best friends who is being difficult and trying to control dd, blowing hot and cold on their friendship- all through text. She doesn’t seem to want to be friends with dd but as soon as dd moves away, sits with somebody else at lunch it unleashes a torrent of trouble.

One example was when dd was ill yesterday afternoon whilst at school. I was on a training course and dh is working away all week. Obviously we couldn’t collect her straight away, however my course finished early so I drove straight to school and collected her before end of school day. Her friend rang her as we were driving home shouting at her for lying about me being on a course as I obviously wasn’t as I collected her! No sympathy at all for being ill.

I think we need to keep reassuring our dc, listening to them and teaching them how to let it wash over them and hooefully it will pass....