Y8 daughter told she's out of her friendship group

[Whoknew2014]

My daughter received a text msg from one girl this evening telling her that she's out of her friendship group. The texting girls has joined the group fairly recently but knows my daughter from primary school.

Texting girl says it's a "group decision" but it doesn't seem to be as my daughter was with half the group when she was supposed to meet the texting girl and one other by the library to be told her fate (as she didn't show, it happened by text instead).

So far I've been in touch with one of the other mums (who knows nothing about it), screenshot the texts, we've blocked the girl on my daughter's phone and bought oven chips & ice cream.

I was thinking of emailing the house well-being lead at school (it's a pretty touchy feels comp who are good on pastoral care).

Any advice very gratefully received, thank you!

I remember when my DD was in Yr8 one of the teachers said to me it was the worst year for this sort of thing with girls.
They become very tribal and excluding someone is a way of making their group seem more desirable.
DD had a pretty rubbish Yr8-just had't much experience with this sort of behaviour and only when she moved schools ) not because of this but it was a helpful impetus) and found some lovely friends could she see those girls for what they were.
Help her keep her confidence up so she knows she is not worthy of being treated like this and support her in finding some new friends
Horrible to watch your DD hurting but it will pass...

So glad to hear it will pass, roll on year 9!

Something similar happened to me in year 10. It was utterly miserable, as I'd just started a new school and my parents had split up completely unexpectedly that August. Not a great time. I came through it (and the other girl has a very boring life now, based on social media ).

Horrible for your poor dd, bless her. This girl sounds like a bit of a drama queen so I wouldn't be at all surprised if she doesn't manufacture a bit more drama at some point - not sure if you can put your dd onto her guard as I suppose she has to learn how to navigate this crap herself, but I'd be ready for it yourself, at least.

I have two DDs, now adult. This type of thing was a common issue at that age, and horrible for them. She can rest assured that she'll be getting a sincere apology from at least one of them at some stage in the future, be it next week or next decade.

Oh I just came online to seek advice. The same!! My daughter woke me up at 11:30pm last night. She’s yr 8 too. She has a lovely friendship group but has also been ‘friends’ with a stand alone girl. This girl seems to have bullied people in the past. My dd would stand up for the other children. The other girl also slagged off children with Tourette’s. Again my daughter told her it’s a disability and they can’t help it etc. Because of this, unfortunately this girl has turned on my dd now. She’s sending messages to her in the evenings. Also in class..no matter what my dd says, this girl has a negative comment to put dd down. Dd is loosing confidence with regards to school. She’s been flying high and doing so so very well.
I’m currently sat by the phone waiting for a call from the head of lower school. I’m worried for dd. Year 8 is such a vulnerable year for girls.
Sending to both you and dd

Sorry....should’ve said dd woke me up at 11:30pm last night in foods of tears. Her phone kept pinging from the girl with invasive comments and put downs. Not nice. Took til 1:30am to pacify her.

Oh Flossie & Kahlua, I'm sorry your daughters are going through this too. And Spudlet, it must have been so tough.

It seems to have quietened down a bit today, texting girl is still apologising and my daughter wishes no one would talk about it any more. The Wellbeing lead had a quiet word with my daughter and is keeping an eye. As ever, am impressed by the lead.

The worst thing was watching her hunched in pain over her (old, second hand) phone. It had been such a joy when she got it two years ago at the end of primary school. I did say to her that she was now prepared if ever a man dumped her (I presumed she was straight for the purpose of the conversation, probably should have been more neutral) and she was full of confidence saying that then it was obvious she wouldn't text him back or see it again. Hope she means it!

And I loved the comment about the school gate, wow was that hard to navigate in primary school. At least that's over!

God - this is so common, it’s depressing. Why are some girls so horrible to others? My dd (also year 8) has just gone through this too. She became really good friends with a couple of girls, it seems like a lovely friendship, I got to know one of the mums, etc. Then a new girl arrives, joins the group, and it’s very clear she has something against dd. Within a couple of months my dd has been completely excluded....

So sad that this seems to be common for their age. I think it may have been the same when I was at school too although not for me as my closest friends went a different school so we didn’t fall out as not spending all day together at school.

My dd got a text, well several, this evening complaining to dd for lots of trivial things like not asking her if she was walking home although she wasn’t. Dd should have asked apparently so that she could tell her no!

A friends dd told me today that it was the same in her class when she was in Year 8. She is now in Year 11 and says there are no problems at all. They all learn to relax a bit about others and also toughen up so words and behaviour doesn’t affect them.

Don’t not doesn’t!

This very thing happened to my DD. Absolutely 100% get a meeting with the school and contact each parent. On a group thing like this you need to tackle it head on and on mass - lifting the lid and exposing bad behaviour is the only way to deal with it. It is such an impressionable age and with mental health so prevalent now, it is extremely important that all involved are taken to task on it. Some of the friendships will last believe it or not - after a period of reflection- and some won't. And that's fine. Your DD will move on from this stronger and wiser.

I used to work with teen girls. Year 8 was the worst age for image issues, self harm, bullying etc. It seems to be the worst age for identity issues. I really can’t remember it being this bad when I was that age!

I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. My dd is Year 7 and having seen her spend the past month or so dealing with hurt and confusion - questioning what is wrong with her, or what she has done wrong to make her friends suddenly dislike her - has been so difficult.

She is determined to move past this now, and has decided she is ready to walk away from her former friends, so that she can no longer be hurt by them. We spent this evening discussing how to handle break times.

Mind you, I can't wait for half term.

Flossie, why did your Year 8 dd have her phone so late at night? I take our dc’s phones and they charge downstairs overnight. Reduces potential for bonkers behaviour.

She’s always had a sleep problem. Only sleeps a few hours a night. (Since a baby!!). She reads and watches YouTube. I check her phone daily. That’s the agreement. Check the usage etc. Not ideal I know but stupidly something we’ve done for the last two years and has become a habit. Started when I was spending a lot of time in hosp with my other daughter....dd felt close to me with her phone.

Having her phone all night will not be helping her sleep issues!

I'd take it away. She needs to learn to get to sleep without it, adn she also needs a break from all the online crap.

Now I’m feeling responsible and crap!!

Don't feel crap Flossie - just talk to her now and say becAuse of this you think it's important she gets a break from her phone

Don't feel crap! But talk to your dd. Hope things improve for her soon.

Flossie, I think that we are all doing the best that we can. I don't allow dd to have a phone yet, and it has been suggested to me that this might be the reason she is being ostracised!

I got frustrated with dd this evening - we had spent the whole night before coming up with strategies for her to pull away from this group and she was optimistic going into school today. She'll get there but didn't quite manage it, and came back deflated and rejected (again). Hard not to get frustrated - it seems so obvious to us as adults what the best thing to do it, but I need to remember that she's only 12 and can't see things as clearly).