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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling to maintain friendships

36 replies

PookieDo · 29/04/2019 19:50

I have a lot going on in my life recently

I am finding it overwhelming.
When my friends suggest doing something or contact me I am avoiding them because I know i have nothing positive to say - I feel like I am draining and negative and embarrassed about probably droning on. I used to be more fun but I feel like I have so much responsibly on my shoulders as I get older
But this makes me lonely - I have no one to talk to, no support
I have no partner and my D.C. wouldn’t want to hear I hear it either

I’m becoming isolated - the times I want to talk to someone the most are obviously when things aren’t going very well but that is draining for friendship so I just keep quiet. Then if I do start talking about it it is like an avlanache of shit I am unloading

I’m also quite happy by myself when I feel less stressed

I don’t really know what the answer is - I just want someone to talk to! But I feel like it’s not quite right I feel like I need people/lonely when things are shit?
Does this make sense?

OP posts:

Itsallpointless · 29/04/2019 21:19

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. You can always post here for support. You don’t need to get involved and nobody will take offence if you’re not around for a bit

clairemcnam · 29/04/2019 21:27

OP do you want friends to spend time with when you are happier as well?

Home77 · 29/04/2019 21:50

I'm like this sometimes, I talk on another site Elefriends too, when I feel it is too much for friends.

legohouse · 29/04/2019 21:52

I could have written this word for word but you put it so much better. Just know you are not alone x

Home77 · 29/04/2019 21:58

Also when you start sharing stuff maybe like me you get people trying to fix it and tell you what to do, to 'help' which can be wearing , or giving their opinions and then that can be tricky also...argh.

clairemcnam · 29/04/2019 22:02

I asked if you want friends to be with when you are happier too, because if you do, then we can give you advice about making and keeping friends.
If you only want friends to talk to about things that go wrong for you, then you need a counsellor.

Original poster

PookieDo · 29/04/2019 22:29

This has become an issue that I no longer enjoy my friends as much because I have started to spend so much time by myself. With myself there is less pressure and worry.

When you see your friends they naturally want to catch up and my ‘catching up’ is depressing! I feel like I want to go to things I’m invited to then talk myself out of it and end up spending the time alone.

I’ve been avoiding one friend in particular because I’ve generally felt really physically crap (not all mentally) and want to just stay indoors with no make up on and potter about. I’ve had very heavy bleeding and I sometimes don’t want to have to say to people ‘I don’t want to come round your house or go out because I need to be near a toilet’ and I know they want to drink a lot of alcohol and chat shit and listen to music... but I could be in bed watching a good box set instead

I really would like for there to be a lot more positive things to say about my life:
My mother is very draining and soulless fun and a burden
My DC are at difficult ages (teens)
My whole house needs decorating
My job is truely awful at the moment
I’m physically not really doing very well over the past couple of years

OP posts:

Original poster

PookieDo · 29/04/2019 22:43

I will put some nice things I think too

-I’m good at my jobs even though Work is horrific at the moment it’s not forever
-I have good connections and rapport with colleagues so I know I am not completely useless at social interaction 😂
-I have a nice home - it can just feel overwhelming to be soley responsible for it!
-My D.C. are nice good kids (most of the time) - they aren’t out causing trouble and go to school, do homework etc. I have more fun with them than my friends I think nowadays but I can still feel lonely as teenagers want more independence etc
-I have a lovely sister and lovely DN unfortunately we do not live close to each other as she moved and I do miss them a lot

I’m not afraid to give things a go even if they go wrong

I just feel like I don’t know where I fit socially. I will admit that I feel let down by some ‘friends’ who seem to want me to give up my time but for instance never visit me, don’t remember my birthday or really bother with my DC. Perhaps I have a friend problem

OP posts:

Original poster

PookieDo · 29/04/2019 22:46

To who asked about wanting friends in good times - yes sometimes but maybe I will go to phone someone and then stop myself because I’m not sure who to call...
Or sometimes think I wish I had someone to phone up once in a while and also don’t know who I would call

OP posts:

Blessthekids · 29/04/2019 23:04

for you. I think you sound like quite a strong person, someone who is definitely capable of maintaining friendships but its sounds like you either have outgrown your friends or are underestimating them. If it is the former then its time to seek new bonds elsewhere but if its the latter then try reaching out to one of your friends and explain why you have been unavailable lately and give them the opportunity to support you. When you are feeling negative and unhappy, remember 'this too shall pass'. It might be worth seeing if you can access a counsellor though work or your GP too.

Original poster

PookieDo · 29/04/2019 23:54

Thanks for listening it’s nice of you

Shall we have a friendship thread? I think I need to spend time working on the listening side too as once you become isolated you forget the importance of that?

@legohouse and @Home77 good to know I am not alone in it! Has it become more this way as you get older?

OP posts:

EmeraldRubyShark · 30/04/2019 06:22

Bless you OP, you sound lovely and so thoughtful.

Why not try ringing samaritans to vent and offload when you’re feeling rubbish? Then you can get in touch with a friend afterwards and hopefully because you’ll have got all of the difficult things talked over and worn out you can try and focus on seeing friends more for fun and uplifting times for a bit?

Original poster

PookieDo · 30/04/2019 08:54

I have thought about doing that before but never actually have called them.
I had a panic attack last night and was awake for hours I feel dreadful this morning

OP posts:

TheyCallMeBell · 30/04/2019 09:01

OP, how have you been keeping your friendships alive up until now? Have you done the things you feel let down by your friends for not doing - remembered birthdays, wanted to spend time with them and their children, etc? You've got to put in what you want to get out. Have you told your friends you feel let down by them?

I find a good way to keep in touch with people that I may not have the time or energy to see often is in WhatsApp groups. I've got one that has two friends who live within walking distance, but we rarely get a chance to meet up. We don't necessarily keep each other up to date on everything that's going on, but it's a place to just connect with each other. We keep it quite light and save the big stuff for when we do meet up. Would something like that work for you, just to keep the contact alive?

Original poster

PookieDo · 30/04/2019 09:09

One friend lives nearby and we have been friends since we were children. We sometimes go with gaps in contact and neither gets upset about it. I’m not worrying too much about her as I think she gets it more than anyone else. She took me and 1 DC to the cinema recently so I need to remember to do something nice in return but I often am not sure what....

Second friend is the main issue. Friend wants to do a lot of social activities like shopping, lunches, drinking alcohol till late at night etc. I am actively avoiding this friend a little and now I know they are upset with me but I’ve got to the point where I am always apologising and it is embarrassing because my ‘excuses’ sound ridiculous and like moaning

I have 2 more groups of friends, one I used to work with and one who do not live locally. I use WhatsApp to stay in touch but I am not very active

My friendships used to usually involve going out on the town and coming home drunk. I now have 1 DC at home all the time so I use that as an excuse not to go!

OP posts:

Original poster

PookieDo · 30/04/2019 09:10

My 2 main friends do not have children!

OP posts:

Home77 · 30/04/2019 09:26

I know a couple of people like this, and also started finding them hard recently - hey seem to find me 'boring' if I'm doing stuff like shopping for the children, saying I should 'get a life, making me feel rubbish and older...i just avoid them now. Sounds like you need better friends OP. Maybe try elefriends as well, it is good for offloading.

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 09:30

OP what are you hoping to get out of this thread? You seem to be saying that you only want to talk to your friends when you are having a bad time because when you are feeling ok you are happy to be on your own. Have you thought how that probably looks to your friends? Do you ask your friends how they are and try to support them? It doesn't sound like it from what you're saying. From their point of view is sounds like you might come across as not bothered about the friendships unless you are unloading an avalanche of shit (your words) on them. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives. Maybe they think you don't care about theirs seen as you only want to talk to them when you're feeling bad and need support? People end up feeling used especially if they don't know you are feeling overwhelmed. Could you tell them how you are feeling but in a way that doesn't include the shit avalanche?

TheyCallMeBell · 30/04/2019 09:53

It sounds like you and your friends are in different places. If you want to stay in and your friend wants to go out getting pissed, that's not a friendship for support. Actively avoiding them isn't the way to go about fixing it, though. That's only going to piss them off. It might be time to admit that this friendship has run its course.

You reap what you sow. Avoiding people and only talking to them when you need something will not give you a good circle of support and fun friends.

Original poster

PookieDo · 30/04/2019 13:23

I think I just wanted to talk as I was not sure what’s causing a disconnect

I think I have put a lot in in terms of friendship overall, and I’m currently in a dip but I feel under pressure that really the only way to make things better is to go and do things I don’t really feel like doing to keep a friendship alive. They have a lot more money than I do so this doesn’t help

If I spoke to my friend I think they would be upset and I am not sure it would really help.

OP posts:

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 13:52

I had a friend who only seem to want to talk to me when things are bad in their life. I stopped spending time with her. Because tbh I was really just an unpaid counsellor for her, not a friend. Friendship is a two-way thing.

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 16:05

It sounds like you and Friend 2 just don't have very much in common anymore, seen as you don't want to do what they like to do and they would be upset if you tried to talk to them. Maybe the friendship has run its course?

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 16:21

What do you want from your friendships? From what you've said it sounds like you just want people to moan at when you're unhappy. That's never going to work in the long run because that's not a friendship for the other person.

Original poster

PookieDo · 30/04/2019 17:08

I’m well aware that is not acceptable and I have not been bothering my friends with it for this reason hence being quite disconnected. It wouldn’t be fair

but then it is bottled up - I feel like crap, haven’t offloaded, don’t feel like having fun so am not really enjoying friendships

I’m going to look at other ways to manage my feelings so I don’t feel the urge to offload onto other people. I think this is sometimes a side effect of being a single parent as you never have anyone to share things with - friendships in my life seem to work in the way that they are just about fun times. So if you are not feeling fun due to a long week at work and heavy blood loss from my period i feel a bit alone until I feel up to participating!

Im not sure it’s coming across right
I think it’s hard to find a thick and thin friend it seems to be more likely I will have a fun fairweather type!

OP posts:

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/04/2019 18:03

With good friends - and in healthy friendships- you can share the good and bad things happening in your life.

I've been where you are.
For me, the not wanting to share bad news and feeling like i was 'draining' them was a symptom of my own depression and anxiety.
It's a vicious cycle because you end up holding everything in and causing yourself even more angst, plus you then end up feeling frustrated and resentful that you always help/listen to their problems but yours are 'ignored'.

I've found that some people are best suited to being my 'fair weather' friends because they made me feel like i was a nuisance/drain if i ever talked about anything 'bad/negative'.
Some were only interested in what they could get out of me, i,e time, attention, advice, an ear to listen. They were just using me and draining my energy.

With my real friends, i can talk about both good and bad, they have a genuine interest in my life too and don't ignore parts of it just because we have different lifestyles.

I feel comfortable enough with them to let them know how my anxiety/depression affects me, and i trust them to be honest with me and let me know if i start acting like a Moaning Myrtle.

I found it helpful to list one positive for each negative thing so i didn't end up only talking about negative things.
My list was never balanced so don't worry about that.

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