Struggling to maintain friendships

[PookieDo]

I have a lot going on in my life recently

I am finding it overwhelming.
When my friends suggest doing something or contact me I am avoiding them because I know i have nothing positive to say - I feel like I am draining and negative and embarrassed about probably droning on. I used to be more fun but I feel like I have so much responsibly on my shoulders as I get older
But this makes me lonely - I have no one to talk to, no support
I have no partner and my D.C. wouldn’t want to hear I hear it either

I’m becoming isolated - the times I want to talk to someone the most are obviously when things aren’t going very well but that is draining for friendship so I just keep quiet. Then if I do start talking about it it is like an avlanache of shit I am unloading

I’m also quite happy by myself when I feel less stressed

I don’t really know what the answer is - I just want someone to talk to! But I feel like it’s not quite right I feel like I need people/lonely when things are shit?
Does this make sense?

There's a difference between a thick and thin friend and someone you dump on all the time though. I have some lovely friends who are supportive but it is give and take. They wouldn't be thick and thin friends if they just gave and I just took all the time. They are thick and thin friends because they are there for me in bad times but I am also there for them when they need me. No-one with good self-esteem would view what you are describing as a friendship (from the other side, I mean.)

It sounds like you are stuck in a rut with two friends who want to have fun but you're having a horrible time and are not in the same frame of mind as them. But you have mentioned other friends too. What about them? It's understandable that you want support but maybe it would help to flip it around and think about how you can nurture your friendships by giving as well as taking.

Another one here suggesting counselling. I have some lovely friends but if I'm not careful we end up being an unpaid counsellors to each other. I don't mind it being like that because that's all part of being there for each other, however there have been times in my life when, like you, I've realised how MUCH I need to offload/say and it's at times like that when I've gone for a course of counselling to take the burden off my friends. And also because it makes me the sort of friend I want to be - more chilled and easy going instead of intense and down. It means I'm more open to listening and being there or just enjoying being in the moment of whatever we're doing.

Do you have a counselling service where you are? Or can you afford some private sessions?

Are you there for there in bad times as well? If you can't even think of a small way to repay your friend being generous it doesn't really sound like it.

@SavingSpaces2019
Yes yes you put it so well!

I will repay my friend who I went to the cinema with and suggest something for us to do, I am just not sure what to suggest! I might ask her out for lunch over the weekend or something. With friend 1 we have been through a lot together some really bad times and some really good. she’s got a lot on her plate right now and no way do I want to burden her but she is different to friend 2, completely. She is also better including my D.C. than friend 2. We never resent each other if we don’t speak for a while. She would listen but I love her too much to make her my counsellor.

Friend 2 is an issue. I really like them but they can be Hard Work. Yes I’ve been there through heartbreak and house moves, lent them things, gone lots of places with them. When I moved I did not get the same help in return but I’m not resentful of it. I had a really hard couple of weeks so was distant and didn’t respond to all the texts - I had nothing positive going on to talk about! I had been invited to something with F2 this weekend that is awkward timing and I am not sure I can go. Friend 2 is upset and flouncy about it. I know it is because I have become flaky but they would never clock on that maybe I am struggling and ask if I was ok they just feel annoyed for themselves

Other friends: I let a few slide as again we drifted apart. Small group left and we chit chat but it’s not very heavy

Work friends: I know I am negative about stuff because it is that kind of culture - women in the NHS who all bond over our dreary frustrating lives. I’ve also been invited out to an event with them and I feel I should force myself to go (and don’t really want to)

Yeah I can access support services through work and I will look online tomorrow. I think it’s probably some kind of phone counselling?

You know what also I don’t need someone to help me fix anything. I am not looking for lots of answers. It’s just all inside of me swirling around with nowhere to go

If I really take it all back to where I think i have some issues I was pretty much dumped by every single friend I had when I fell pregnant when I was only 21. Even friend 1.

I was very very lonely for about 7 years with abusive ex then I made some new friends finally when I left him.

Three of of the closest friendships I had ever experienced ended very very badly about 5 years ago. All 3 were single women when we met - so our common ground - and 2 friendships ended when they met men

One of them were because they made some very awful life choices and essentially chose a man over their D.C. and I couldn’t watch it happen it was awful

The second met a man and started behaving like a complete cow to me, very defensive through her own insecurities and it just got weird. She would ask me for advice then bitch at me for whatever I said. At the same time our DD’s drifted apart anyway

Third friend was the worst ending. She had never treated me very nicely (according to my sister!) and had a lot of complex sexual relationships - she drained me through all the drama. She never once turned up to any of my birthday celebrations but was really mean to me if I didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted. When I stood up to her she told everyone I was a secret lesbian in love with her!

I can empathise with some of the situations you mention OP. I was diagnosed with a serious (physical, if indeed it matters) illness at 20, though it is congenital and often feel properly stuck with the 'catching up' issue. My reality doesn't involve holidays anymore or trips out and is more likely to involve complex medical chat or yet another week I didn't leave the house so I get the 'dread' of having to be in situations where someone wants to know 'what I've been up to'. Successful social interactions ultimately boil down to positive exchanges for the most part.

It's easy to dwell on the various ways people have technically 'let me down' or not reciprocated but I find it easier to accept that ultimately my life is 'different' now I am I'll and I am not functioning socially in ways a 30 year old would and instead looking for the positives in the interactions I do have is more beneficial than not. Not all friends need to be deep and meaningful and not all meetups need the other person to exhibit perfect understanding of my situation for us to enjoy each others company in some way, nor are they only a 'success' if they are maintained long term. A successful relationship is one that both parties enjoy, are fulfilled by and are happy to have, not how long it has been going on. Like any relationship peoples lives,likes, opinions and circumstances move on over the years and will no longer match what they or you were like originally. Move on at that point, it served its purpose and doesn't need to have blame assigned as to why, if I authentically liked a person I wouldn't be likely to think they were a dick, so if I start to I merely distance myself.

I also agree it is easy to hold on to hurt and resentment but again, what is the benefit to you of still thinking years on about some people that don't sound that pleasant or it was not a great friendship fit. To be honest I only find myself thinking about all my old friends who pretty much 'ghosted' me when I am mentally very low, because it's easy to dwell. Also it's easy to forget that even though it's not my fault, I'm not a great friend in some ways as a result and they suffer too. I can't travel to them or make large occasions, eat out etc. So ultimately I'm grateful that they see past that as best they can and maintain contact. People often send gifts that aren't suitable due to illness (after I've spent an afternoon telling them exactly how I can't eat or use it) but I am so much happier if I choose to think 'so and so thought of me and took the time, I am cared for' rather than 'so and so doesn't really care or they'd have known not to send that'

Am waffling and I have no idea why but you're not alone OP. If you want to stay home and watch something do it, there is and should be a time and aplace for both activities and you just need to get the balance right. Socialising is always hard after a break and definitely something you have to get back into the swing of!

I'd try to focus on having positive interactions in ways that work for you and accepting them for what they are. Expecting people to understand something they have no experience of is a hiding to nowhere but it by no means means you can't have a fun meet up or an enjoyable day out with them or a phone chat about unrelated topics. Professional counselling is a great outlet to let out negative thoughts and vitally find out where they originate.

Thank you so much for sharing. You sound very insightful and balanced and that is how I need to aspire to be! You are right - when you get low you are more likely to dwell on things

I had some bloods back today which may account for very my low mood as I am anaemic and have very low vitamin D levels

Am hoping that treatment for this will help my low mood and I can start taking some more positive steps suggested here!

Counselling is great as they are paid to listen to you - even the boring stuff, even the same old stuff in gory detail for weeks on end if you need it - and they can actually give you some useful feedback, which friends often can't.

Maybe you also simply need some new friends. Are you in an area where there are more sedate activities available, such as quilting, board games or book clubs? Even if you just go along for a bit of lightweight chat it can improve your mood, and you might even find a new friend or two after a while. Plus you would have something to report to others if they want to know your news.

The arts are especially good, in my experience, if you want to do something that feels a bit deeper and more genuine. I've recently started a singing course, for instance, and it's a lovely warm, friendly atmosphere as you have to open up when you sing. Previously I found the same thing in a theatre group. The arts seem to attract a certain type of people.

And even if you're alone at home, you can find a pastime such as keeping up with the news, or painting pictures, that gives you something to talk about.

Re heavy periods and anaemia - hysterectomy was bloody brilliant if that's an option! And once I started on the iron tablets I realised quite how much of my tiredness had been down to that. Felt twice as lively after a few days.

I am very scared of having surgery as I will have NO help. I can only hope that my recovery is fast and uncomplicated because if it isn’t I don’t really know what to do except pay someone to help me (and I don’t really have much spare income)