Help! Alcoholic boyfriend!

[brock123]

I'm writing this as I feel I have no where else to turn.
Its took me a while to come to terms with this but I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. I love him but I dont think i can carry on like this anymore as it's starting to mentally drain me.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have lived together for 3. He is in the army so mainly home at weekends. We have had some good times in the 4 years but the bad is now starting to out weigh the good.
My boyfriend doesn't drink all the time but when he does he changes into a different person. Call me stupid for staying with him as I know I am but as they say love is blind.
During the time we have been together and he has been drunk he has messaged other girls, slept with another girl (he wont admit this but I know as I found the messages on his phone), cancelled plans with me and turned into a complete crazy person. I wont go into every single detail as he has done so much when hes drunk. I have forgiven him time after time but I have now lost all self worth.
Most of the time when he comes home we have his daughter from a previous relationship stay over so he is quite sensible, however, as soon as she goes, hes off to the pub. I feel like I have to beg him to spend time with me.
This Saturday night he decided to go out and I got very upset, he then said it was my fault he wanted to go out as he was sick of me nagging. He went to the pub and returned home at 4am. He was getting picked up at 6am to return to work. When he got home, he pushed me out the bed, kicked me, and just kept shouting as he was so drunk. I decided to sleep on the sofa. He then got up to get ready for his lift and trashed my bedroom. Tipped all the drawers out and spat his toothpaste out on the bedding and carpet. He then came and grabbed me off the sofa and demanded I make him something to eat. I said no, so he threw the contents of the fridge on the floor. I then had to let him out the house as he was going mad because he couldn't find his keys and that was my fault apparently. Once he was gone I received a text saying we were over, that's nothing new as he always tells me we are over when hes drunk. I am still waiting for an apology but I have little hope as he went out drinking with his army mates on Sunday night. I know he will start saying sorry once he feels normal but I'm so sick of it and yes I know I sound so pathetic staying with him. It's coming to the point though where I cant continue anymore, I dread it when he says hes going out and I do start arguing as I know what state he will return in.
I'm also tied into a rental lease with him, I cant afford the rent on my own and I also do not want to leave as I'm scared he will get me into debt.
I know it sounds stupid but when he doesn't drink hes a good guy. I've tried talking to him about his drinking and sometimes he is very remorseful and says he knows hes an idiot when he drinks. Alot of the time, he cant never remember any of it as he gets so drunk though so he thinks I'm exaggerating when I tell him what hes done.
I'm so sorry to rant on, I just feel so lost. I've no self confidence anymore, I run around after him like a lap dog and I'm embarrassed about that. I feel I've turned into a weak person.

You can’t change him. He needs to be an ex. Sharpish.

Get rid of this loser. Now.

Go online and look up an organisation called Al-Anon. Then go to their meetings. You will meet people like you, people whose partners are addicts. They will give you the strength to set boundaries and to detach. You may need time to plan your exit - put money away, contact the landlord to discuss being released from the lease. Get practical advice that will help you move safely on.

Because you can't save him. He loves alcohol more than he loves anyone, even his child.

This post broke my heart. You are in a very abusive relationship. If someone loves you they wouldn't treat you like this. If it was me I would pack my bags and leave while he's gone and never look back. You will find someone who will treat you right. You deserve it. If you stay and children get involved it's going to get messy. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

LTB and once you’re safely living apart tell the mother of his DC about his alcohol problem, if she’s not already aware.

Get help to work out why you have put up with such poor treatment, before dating again.

My husband was in the army and the culture was drinking 30 yrs of promises of giving up and cutting down never happens. He's going to drug aid tomorrow for his first meeting as he has to go if he doesn't follow through he also has untreated p t s d that he's been referred for at the same meeting. Do yourself a great deed and cut him off he's got abusive and violent with you and will probably end up killing you. Contact women's aid or the police and ask for help in dealing with this dangerous man this is hate not love.

Also, he’s not a nice guy. Nice guys don’t treat their gfs like that after drinking: and if they behaved THAT badly after drinking would stop drinking. Not do it repeatedly.

Similarly, drink doesn’t make people cheat.

His primary relationship could wellbe with alcohol. Sad for him, you, his DC and his ex. But you and others can’t control or cure it.

By staying with him you are enabling him to keep up the veneer of being a father with regular contact.

You need to leave him now. There's absolutely nothing redeeming about this guy, he's a monster. The fact that you're having to ask strangers on a web forum whether to leave or not shows what a number he's done on your self-esteem.

Not judging you as I've been in a similar position but you can't judge this objectively. He's a drunk, as you can clearly see, but he's also highly abusive and you are probably putting your own life at risk if you stay with him.

Go and talk to Al-Anon by all means. But before you do anything else leave him.

Nice guys never ever kick you. He is not a nice guy, not at all. Leave him asap. You don't love him, you love an idea of what he is, but he isn't that. You have one life and you don't need to spend it like this.

I know, it's pretty sad that I've got to come and ask strangers for advice but I literally needed to talk to someone. I dont want to worry my mum as she is very ill at the moment and has enough on her plate. I have spoken to a few friends about this but I feel pathetic that I keep allowing this to happen. I was never like this before this relationship.
The main thing that worries me is the lease on the house, I dont trust him to pay everything and I really don't want to get into debt. I also couldn't afford to stay here on my own.
I've let him get away with so much and now I am realising this cant go on. I do everything round the house and he will come home and if hes not out, he will just happily sit watching TV with his daughter whilst I cook and run around after them both. His daughter gets bored here so I'm constantly trying to find things to do to keep her occupied.
I know deep down that I'm a good person and I do alot for him but he makes me feel like I dont and he does everything. When he buys me something or does something for me he goes on for ages about how good he is to me. I feel like an idiot!

My brother used to treat his gf like this. I supported his gf and said that she was worth more that how he was treating her.
They are now apart and she is so much happier. Run for the hills, this is completely unacceptable behaviour.

He is not a good guy. That's like saying an abuser is only an abuser when they're abusing. They are still an abuser.

Please get out of this relationship - I know that feeling of flitting between dread and desperation, desperately wanting them to come home to you but also dreading the state they'll be in / what they'll do.

Life is short, don't waste any more of it on this utter twat.

I'm a long time sober alcoholic and I can tell you that only your DP can stop drinking. Nothing you do will change him.

Like PP I would recommend Al Anon, a support group for the family and friends of drinking alcoholics. There you will gain insight into what's going on and tools to help you disengage. You can't change him but you can change yourself - and how you react to his drinking.

This Saturday night he decided to go out and I got very upset, he then said it was my fault he wanted to go out as he was sick of me nagging.

Saying "I wouldn't need to drink if you weren't nagging" or suchlike isn't true. It's just an attempt to deflect criticism and nasty with it.

I can have a tongue like a razor blade and back in the day I would attack viciously if my drinking was challenged.

To a drinking alcoholic any suggestion that they are drinking too much is an existential threat. All we want to do is to drink in peace. Bugger anyone else. It's a totally selfish illness.

Get rid of the bugger.

Look at how to get out of the rental lease and find somewhere to live without him.

You're putting up with his shit because his behaviour makes you feel that it's all you're worth. A clean break, although daunting now, will let your self confidence return. You are worth so much more than this poisonous relationship. Good luck.

Thank you for all your comments, believe me they are really helping me at the moment and make so much sense to me.
I've never had another boyfriend that would happily go to pubs on their own before and at first I just put that down to him having a lot of confidence, but prawnofthepatriachys comment has felt quite close to home. If I text or ring him when hes at the pub, he will always say go away and leave me in alone, which I always thought odd as he was at the pub on his own. I guess the comment that an alcoholic wants to drink in peace is true and it's getting clearer and clearer that he is an alcoholic.

You said he's ended it, that's that then. When he texts to say sorry etc you just reply saying I think you ending things the other day was the right thing for both of us, now we can both move on

Just get out.
Bullies / drunk /abusers..they are all nice sometimes. To reel you in.
It isn't worth it

Get out hun same position as you but now stuck as child involved etc (not forever though)he will never change will only get worse. He’s a monster just like my H. I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone . Your friends must be bored by now like others have suggested ring AA and start attending these meetings.

Hi OP, how long do you have left on the lease? Could you kick him out and manage to pay for a few months? If this isn't an option, please contact your landlord and explain your situation and ask if he would allow you to terminate early. Just explain that he's abusive and you need to get out and that you don't think he would pay the rent. The prospect of no rent might encourage your landlord to be sympathetic.
If the landlord agrees, give your month notice and get the f*ck out of there.
His drinking will only get worse.

Alcohol is more important than you will ever be. Alcoholics will say very cruel things to you if you ever criticise drinking or even get close to suggesting there’s a problem. They are nasty, hopeless people who don’t feel afraid to hurt those around them.

Don’t feel any loyalty- believe me their only is to the bottle.

How long is on your lease?

The lease runs out next February.
I stupidly signed up for an extra year as we were getting on ok at the time.
Theres no way I can afford the rent and Bill's on my own. It's also through an agency and I've looked at the terms and conditions and it says if we want to end the lease early we have to pay the rent that we are contracted for.

Hi OP - ask them anyway and explain the situation. They have to put that wording in the contract to stop people just changing their mind.
The agency will probably tell you its up to the landlord because its at their discretion at the end of the day. Please contact them!

By February you will be very emotional damaged unless you start attending AA meetings at least you will be talking to people who are exactly in the same position as you